of Twitter @queen_uk - Still Reigning: [of Twitter @queen uk]

First published in the US and the UK in 2014 by

Overlook Duckworth

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2014 by @Queen_UK

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ISBN: 978-1-4683-1194-5

For those about to rock, one salutes you.

Queen of sixteen sovereign nations, Head of the Commonwealth of 54 independent states, Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Defender of the Faith, wife to the DoE, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. Yes, one is kept rather busy.

One was up a tree in Kenya when one ascended the Throne. Its often said that one went up a Princess and came down a Queen and since then its been all go. Reigning nine to five, what a way to make a living.

Of course, most of ones time is taken up by the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand and Australia. Ones Caribbean territories seem to cope quite well without any discernable sign of a Government and one only has to check in occasionally to make sure they havent been taken by the French.

But it hasnt all been plain sailing, one doesnt mind telling you. Ones father, King George VI, always used to say, Lillibet, when you become Queen, always remember: politicians are mental. Oh, how right he was. There have been a few over the years that one quite liked (well, one actually: Winston Churchill), but its mainly been a bit of a struggle.

Elected representatives are a bit like teenagers: all of a sudden theyre all grown up and know the answer to everything and think theyre invincible and one cant tell them anything without them bursting into tears, screaming Its so unfair, you dont know anything, and running out of the room.

Its not easy having a Cabinet of school children here in the UK. If its not Tom and Jerry (Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg) falling out with one another its Count Duckula (Mr Osborne) sodding up a budget. Still, his counting skills are coming on wonderfully (he can get to ten now if he uses both hands and both feet).

One has to cope with the odd bit of drama at Downing Street, like when Mr Clegg dropped his Etch-a-Sketch into the paddling pool, thus practically bringing the Liberal Democrats to a complete standstill. He hadnt been that upset since his knob fell off (of his Etch-a-Sketch). Not that Mr Bean (Ed Miliband) is much better. Poor chap has never really recovered from his trip to Afghanistan when the troops all thought he was a stand-up comedian doing an impression of his brother. Awkward.

Of course, ones elected representatives arent the only things one has had to contend with. Shortly after one ascended the Throne, it became apparent that empire was becoming something of an unfashionable national pastime. And so began many years of pretending not to be in charge.

Its stressful, one can assure you. No sooner are representatives of the people across the world elected than one has to gently break the news to them that the British Empire is alive and well; that weve just been playing it down a little. Theres disappointment, understandably, but usually followed by relief.

President Obama was overjoyed, actually. Got straight on the phone the second he was elected and practically begged one to take the reins. Poor chap talked without taking a breath for about fifteen minutes before one could get a word in edgeways and reassure him that democracy, much like Coronation Street, was a fictional concept designed to entertain the masses, and that the British Monarch was still very much in the driving seat.

And the media. The sodding media. One doesnt know whats worse: the relentless press intrusion or the generation of celebrities theyve created. There was a time when concerts at the Palace were organised by world-renowned composers. These days we get Gary Barlow (who, incidentally, spends more time drinking tea than he does on the job. Hes like a bloody builder. Oooo thats going to cost more than wed estimated, yer maj. And he owes a palace load of tax).

And then theres the family. The Royal Family. The Firm. A beacon of righteousness and decorum in our society. When theyre not naked in Las Vegas, sunbathing topless in France, or abseiling down buildings, that is.

Weve got a new member of the family now though. Someone who has come into our lives as a result of William and Catherines love: Mrs Queen-Mother-in-Waiting Middleton. Oh, and theres Prince George. Weve already started preparing the little chap for Kingdom. As the DoE says to Prince William, He may be all shit and nappies now, but that boy will be Emperor of India one day.

Yes, it is a funny old world, being a Queen. But despite it all, ones still here. Still in charge; still iconic; still on the gin; still ruling the world. Still reigning.

God Save One.

His Royal Highness The Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Duke of Hazard, Earl of Merioneth, Baron Greenwich, Baron Greenback, Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Auric Goldfinger, Extra Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Protector of the Daffodil, Grand Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Pussy Galore, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight Rider, Companion of the Order of Australia, Additional Member of the Order of New Zealand, Extra Companion of the Queens Service Order, Royal Chief of the Order of Logohu, Extraordinary Companion of the Order of Canada, Colonel Hannibal Smith, Extraordinary Commander of the Order of Military Merit, Canadian Forces Decoration, Lord of Her Majestys Most Honourable Privy Council, Privy Councillor of the Queens Privy Council for Canada, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty, Lord High Admiral of the United Kingdom.

Or, as one calls him, the DoE.

It was 1939 that one met the DoE. Of course, he wasnt the DoE then, but he was a Prince (of Greece, admittedly, but nobodys perfect). Ones father, King George VI, and ones mother, Queen Elizabeth, had popped down to the Royal Naval College at Dartmouth to pick up a consignment of Champagne that the Navy had picked up (acquired/pillaged) from France. During the visit, they asked Philip to keep an eye on oneself and Margaret. Well, to cut a long story short, he fell in love with ones majesty, amongst other things, and one felt it would be wrong to leave him in Greece.

Eventually, in the summer of 1946, Philip asked the King for ones hand in marriage and the King said he could have all of one as hed asked so nicely. We did have to strip him of his Greek and Danish royal titles though, mainly for reasons of a they-sounded-ridiculous nature, and have him adopt the surname Mountbatten so he sounded a bit more British.