Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 - My Name’s Yours, What’s Alaska?: A Memoir

To my mom, and Lady Gaga, and the Lord almighty. In that order.

Copyright 2021 by Justin Andrew Honard.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Names and identifying details of some of the people, events, and places portrayed in this book have been changed.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-7972-0843-5 (epub, mobi)
ISBN 978-1-7972-0322-5 (hardcover)

Cover photo by Magnus Hastings.
Design by Michael Morris.

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, CA 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com

And Im actually friends with Alaska, so thats saying a lot. Do I want to read about Lady Bunny? Hell, no! Unless of course, its her obituary.

All joking aside, I just adore Alaska! She has that very special cant take your eyes off her thing that so few stars today seem to possess. Sure, they may have the catch phrase, the signature style, the killer publicist, but how many of them really have It? Alaska is probably reading this and thinking, I dont want Jackie to put other queens down to express her appreciation for me. Thats not only harsh, but downright lazy! Bitch, are you new? Harsh and lazy are the only two special skills listed on my acting resume. They are also what I named my eyebrows, but Im saving that for my book.

Listen, Im not putting anyone down. Im just saying that while there are many iconic, popular, and talented Drag artists to come out of RuPauls Drag Race, Alaska is a rare motherfucking magical unicorn, so please, for the love of Ru, shut the fuck up and let me do this.

The moment I first saw Alaska on television I thought, I like that person! She just oozed something that I was immediately attracted to. And if youre waiting for a cheap, crude bodily fluid joke, I hate to disappoint you. What Alaska so effortlessly and generously oozed was, in fact, Star Power. Now Im not sure if Star Power is one word, two words, or hyphenated. All I know is that Alaska has it in spades! But the TV camera can be deceiving. For instance, they say it adds ten pounds, so just imagine how truly, annoyingly thin Alaska is in real life. But Im not here to body-shame one of my best friends. Im here to say that when I finally met her in real life, she was just as luminous and adorable and naturally entertaining and hilarious as she was on TV. And skinny. Did I mention shes real skinny?

Yes, from the moment we met, it was on. I was thrilled to discover that Alaska had that perfect balance of cattiness and kindness, wickedness and warmth. She was stunningly sexy but also fiercely funny. Honestly, it was like looking in a mirror. Okay, a fun house mirror after dropping acid. But seriously, I felt an instant connection. It probably didnt hurt that she was a huge fan of me and my work. Im not kidding when I say she knows my material better than I do. But as flattering as that was, it cant sustain a real friendship.

So let me share some of that real friendship with you. Let me give you something you didnt see on Drag Race, or hear on Race Chaser, or witness at one of her shows. Let me give you a glimpse of the person beneath the ratted wigs, black contacts, and gravity-defying hip pads; the sweet person who is sometimes my daughter, sometimes my sister, and always my friend.

As you no doubt already know, Alaska is a huge Golden Girls fan. I am also unnaturally obsessed with the 1980s sitcom about four older women living together in Miami, but Alaskas knowledge of the show puts me to shame. If I attempt to quote an iconic line, I quickly learn that I have merely paraphrased it when Alaska corrects me by properly reciting the line, complete with a dead-on impersonation of the character who originally uttered it. The only time I ever saw her get genuinely pissed off at me was the time my incorrect answer made us lose a Golden Girls trivia contest at a Drag-themed hamburger restaurant in West Hollywoodby one point! She will deny it, but she was furious. Remember that less-than-charming person who briefly reared her ugly head during All Stars? Well, I met her that night and gurl, it was not cute.

Although we have traveled all over the world together, my favorite, most-treasured memories of spending quality time with Alaska are simple things, like shopping at L.A.s famed Santee Alley (Jackie, you cannot wear that... Its cultural appropriation!) or lunching at our favorite diner in Silver Lake where Alaska always orders at least three beverages. Ill have a cup of Earl Grey tea, a glass of champagne, and some water, please. I think its to quench the thirst of her three Golden Girlsadjacent personalities: hot tea for her inner Dorothy; sparkling champagne for her inner Blanche; and a simple glass of tap water for her inner Rose. Wheres her inner Sophia, you ask? That vindictive, bitter old Sicilian comes out only when Alaska fucks up a challenge or I get a trivia question wrong.

Despite all my snarky shade, I really do love Alaska. When we get together, we talk and laugh and give each other advice, and she often gives me ideas for song parodies. The one thing we dont do is gossip or talk shit about other queens. Oh, trust me, I have tried. But Alaska simply isnt into it. She just listens to me say something bitchy about someone and either ignores it, refusing to take the bait, or, more often than not, chimes in with something positive about the person Im attempting to read. And that, my friends, is Alaska in a nutshell. Im not saying shes a total push-over or doesnt have an edge, but she always seems to make a conscious choice to focus on the positive and find the best in a person or situation and celebrate that.

I honestly dont know how she manages to do it... because there are some really stupid cunts out there.

Enjoy the book!

JACKIE BEAT

My sister Brooke used to have a life-size Raggedy Ann doll, hand-made by my grandmother. It was a horrendous thing with big, bottomless black eyes and farmhouse-red yarn hair. The earliest human memory I possessI must have been three or fouris going into Brookes room, taking the dolls pinafore dress off her cotton cloth body, and draping it on myself.

Mom remembers this moment, too. She says she was sitting in the kitchen with her best friend, Kim, when I came prancing in, showing off my clever new costume. They both burst into laughter, which is the part of this story I remember most.

Do you think Justins gay? Kim asked my mother.