Gerda Hartwich Robinson - The Inner War: A German WWII Survivor?s Journey from Pain to Peace

Gerdas life story speaks to the suffering of countless Germans whose lives were tragically traumatized during the Nazi regime. Her unique story also echoes a universal longing for inner peace, a yearning shared by so many in a broken and fearful world. I am deeply moved by Gerdas spiritually and psychologically illuminating journey. Im sure The Inner War will bring hope and inspiration to you as it did to me.

Christopher J. Romig, Senior Pastor,
Venice Presbyterian Church, Venice, Florida

This is a heart-wrenching tale about Gerda and how she survived Nazi Germany. As one of many innocent German children, Gerdas childhood was destroyed, but she wanted to capture her journey to inner peace on paper. Then her story will be complete, and her voice will speak for the children who couldnt.

Louise Reiter, former editor of
the Palm Beach Post and short-story writer

Copyright 2013 Gerda Hartwich Robinson

First Skyhorse Publishing edition 2016

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Robinson, Gerda Hartwich, 1938

Title: The inner war : my journey from pain to peace / Gerda Hartwich Robinson.

Description: First Skyhorse Publishing edition. | New York, NY : Skyhorse Publishing, 2016.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015042257 (print) | LCCN 2015045672 (ebook) | ISBN 9781634504195 (paperback : alkaline paper) | ISBN 9781510701366 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Robinson, Gerda Hartwich, 1938- | Robinson, Gerda Hartwich, 1938---Health. | German Americans--Biography. | Immigrants--United States--Biography. | Germany--History--1933-1945--Biography. | Germany--History--1945-1955--Biography. | Civilians in war--Germany--Biography. | World War, 1939-1945--Social aspects--Germany. | Chronic pain--Patients--Minnesota--Biography. | Pain clinics--Minnesota--Minneapolis. | BISAC: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Women. | HISTORY / Military / World War II. | HISTORY / Europe / Germany.

Classification: LCC E184.G3 R59 2016 (print) | LCC E184.G3 (ebook) | DDC 973/.0431--dc23

LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015042257

Cover design by Rain Saukas

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Id like to dedicate this book to my siblings, as well as the other
children who survived the war. My hope is that this story will bring
peace to their souls.

Introduction

T his is my story. I am a survivor of World War II, not as a persecuted Jew, but as an innocent German child. Why tell my story now? There are two reasons.

The time is approaching when my generation will be gone from this earth. I want to be a voice for all the blameless German children who were denied a childhood. The stories are innumerable and simply heartbreaking, and the tragedies of war do not end when the last bomb is dropped or the last prisoner freed; they continue, sometimes in subtle but devastating ways. I do not at all minimize the atrocities or the persecution and killing of millions of Jews and others caused by the ruthless power of Nazi Germany. I simply want the reader to understand how the German children suffered.

I also hope that my story can be of help to those who suffer in the aftermath of any kind of trauma. My lifes journey has included hunger, fear, and neglect, as well as physical and emotional abuse. I carried these injustices in my mind and body for many years. At various times, I experienced debilitating back pain, headaches, panic attacks, depression, and feelings of inadequacyall brought on by unexpressed emotions related to my past. One of the important messages of this book is that strong emotions cannot be suppressed forever, and when theyre finally released, the process can be as violent and ravaging as an erupting volcano. But after every firestorm, there is a relative calm. Even as my life seemed to lie in shambles, with every raw nerve exposed, I knew that the full expression of my emotions was the single most important thing I could have done for my health and well-being. Only after the release could I begin to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life.

I put the story together bit by bit. Some are my own memories gleaned from the little girl I once was, and some were gathered from the minds of my relatives who lived through it too. I used historical records, including a few photographs that have endured, to capture certain moments for the reader and to help my family members expand on my lifes memories. Although the dialogue is fictional, I believe that Ive created a fair representation of what each person would probably have said based on his or her personality and character traits. The names of some persons, in response to their request, have been replaced with pseudonyms.

Chapter 1

First, There Was Pain

T he morning of March 15, 1978, was hectic. I plopped scrambled eggs on plates, buttered toast, and poured glasses of orange juice like a veteran short-order cook. I was trying to get my children ready for school, and their plodding pace through the morning ritual was driving me crazy.

Breakfast is on the table! I shouted down the hallway, hoping they would hear me as they were getting dressed. Now!

Why couldnt they move a little faster? Anxiety knotted my stomach as I thought about what lay in front of me today. I would be checking myself into the Metropolitan Medical Centers pain rehabilitation program. So much was unknown, and I dreaded that.

I turned the tap on at the sink and placed the hot frying pan underneath it. The water sizzled, as if to empathize with my jangling nerves. Glancing through the kitchen window, I saw an abundance of Minnesota snow. Well probably get some more , I thought. After six years there, the cold and snow didnt seem to bother me too much anymore, but I recalled that our first winter was rough. If my husband Dallas had not accepted a transfer with IBM, Minnesota would have remained just a name on a map.

These eggs are getting cold! I shouted a second reminder.

Mom, Im right here, Kim said, her brother Carl trailing behind.

The photo below, taken during that year, pictures our son Carl at age nine and our daughter Kim at age eleven. I felt guilty for yelling at them, and even guiltier for leaving them. For the next four weeks, my new home would be the chronic pain rehab center.

As they bundled up against the cold to leave for school, I remember how sad they looked. Kim stood quietly by the door, staring at the floor. Carl was silent too. He never asked any questionshe was such an easygoing childand he never complained about anything.