Poppy Alexander - 25 Days ’Til Christmas

He looked at the calendar as he shrugged on his coat. Nearly December. He still found it strange how time kept passing, the earth kept turning on its axis, each day taking him further away from that awful moment ten months ago. The moment she left him.

People say death is a shock, even when its expected, and they are right. He had been astonished. And that was the easy part, the disbelief. The hard graft was the bit that followed, the grief that came in waves, each first anniversary painfully borne... her birthday, his birthday, and now the big one. Christmas.

He wondered if the Christmas Tree Girl would be in her usual spot. This would have been the fourth year, long enough to call it a tradition, him walking past her twice a day, smiling sometimes and catching her eye. Most days she had been preoccupied, busy with other customers, so he would end up passing unacknowledged, creating an odd sense of disappointment which hung over his entire day. Thenon a Saturday in early Decemberthere would be the ceremonial making the visit to buy the tree. Zoe would always argue for the first Saturday in December and Daniel would want the second, worried the tree would be dead and bare by Christmas Day. The good-natured discussions would start at the end of November and Zoe would generally win. Last year, he had had to bring her in her wheelchair, wrapped up against the cold because her circulation was so very poor. Her lips had been permanently blue, as if she had been eating blackberries, her cheeks flushed in a parody of good health; but by then her movements were slow and her voice weak.

The Christmas Tree Girl had still greeted Zoe as if nothing had changed, teasing her about her hat, ignoring the wheelchair but unselfconsciously hunkering down on her haunches to be on the same level, straining to hear her whispered words and making a joke of her own stupidity when she had to ask her to repeat herself. The Christmas Tree Girl never pretended to understand when she didnt. Not like other people, people who were embarrassed and dismissed her with an exaggerated smile and a nod. Zoe thought they were idiots and Daniel agreed. No, the Christmas Tree Girl had been different.

As always, last year, the intensely difficult question of which tree to choose had been fully engaged in. An unlimited number of trees had been examined and their form, height, bushiness, and general appearance thoroughly explored. A short list would be drawn up and judging would be repeated untilat lasta selection could be made, and Daniel could lift the tree onto his shoulder and heft it back to the car. Last year, the Christmas Tree Girl had quickly packed up her money tin, slipped on her backpack, and taken the handles of the wheelchair. By the time Daniel had the tree properly balanced on his shoulder she had been ready to go.

Wheres the car? she asked.

You cant... what about the trees?

Theyll be fine. You cant manage on your own.

They walked the short distance back to his parked car talking about nothing in particular. He wished it were further. There was that awkward moment when she turned to leave.

Merry Christmas, she said, giving Zoe a wave through the window as the girl settled herself inside the car.

Merry Christmas, he replied, wanting desperately to kiss her on the cheek. Stopping himself, he held out his hand instead. Merry Christmas, he said again, feeling like a complete tool. She shook it, grinning that grin where her mouth went up further on the right than the leftbut her eyes still looked sad.

He blinked hard, dismissing the memory. He didnt need to make the Saturday visit this year. He wouldnt need a tree... but he desperately wanted to tell the Christmas Tree Girl why. He wanted to tell herthis woman whose name he didnt even knowthat he had lost Zoe, that she was gone forever and he couldnt bear it. He wanted to tell her because he had looked into her eyes and he had seen something he now saw in his own reflection.

The Christmas Tree Girl knew about loss.