Bernhard Schlink - Self's Punishment

The first book in the Gerhard Self series, 2004

Translated from the German by Rebecca Morrison

At the beginning I envied him. That was at high school. The Friedrich Wilhelm in Berlin. I was getting the last bit of wear out of my fathers old suits, had no friends, and couldnt pull myself up on the horizontal bar. He was top of the class, in P.E. too, was invited to every birthday party, and when the teachers called him Mr Korten in class, they meant it. Sometimes his fathers chauffeur collected him in the Mercedes. My father worked for the state railway and in 1934 had just been transferred from Karlsruhe to Berlin.

Korten cant stand inefficiency. In gym, he taught me how to do the upward circle forwards and the full-turn circle. I admired him. He also showed me what makes girls tick. I trotted along dumbly at the side of the little girl who lived on the floor below and attended the Luisen, just opposite the Friedrich Wilhelm, and gazed adoringly at her. Korten kissed her in the cinema.

We became friends studied together, national economy for him, law for me and I was in and out of the villa at Wannsee. When his sister Klara and I got married, he was our witness, and presented me with the desk that is still in my office today, heavy oak, with carved detail and brass knobs.

I hardly work there these days. My profession keeps me on the move, and when I drop in to the office briefly in the evenings, my desk isnt piled high with files. Only the answering machine awaits, its small window letting me know how many messages I have. Then I sit in front of the empty surface and, fiddling with a pencil, listen to what I should take on and what I should avoid, what I should sink my teeth into and what I shouldnt lay a finger on. I dont like getting my fingers burnt. But they can just as easily get jammed in the drawer of a desk you havent looked in for a long time.

The war was over in five weeks for me. A wound that got me home. Three months later theyd patched me together again, and I completed my legal clerkship. In 1942, when Korten started at the Rhineland Chemical Works in Ludwigshafen and I began at the public prosecutors office in Heidelberg, we shared a hotel room for a few weeks before we found our own apartments. The year 1945 saw the end of my career as a prosecutor in Heidelberg, and he was the one who got me the first cases in the financial world. Then he began his rise, and he didnt have much time, and Klaras death heralded an end to the Christmas and birthday visits. We move in different circles and I read about him more often than I see him. Sometimes we bump into each other at a concert or a play and we get on. Well, were old friends.

Then I remember the morning clearly. The world was at my feet. My rheumatism was at bay, I had a clear head, and I looked young in my new blue suit I thought so anyway. The wind wasnt carrying the familiar chemical odour in the direction of Mannheim, but towards the Pfalz. The baker at the corner had chocolate croissants and I was having breakfast on the pavement in the sun. A young woman was walking along Mollstrasse, drew closer and grew prettier, and I put my disposable container on the window sill and followed her. A few steps later, I was in front of my office in the Augusta-Anlage.

I am proud of my office. Ive had smoked glass put in the door and windows of this former tobacco shop, and on the door in elegant golden letters:

Gerhard Self Private Investigations.

There were two messages on the machine. The company chairman of Goedecke needed a report. Id proved his brand manager guilty of fraud, but the manager had contested his dismissal before the labour court. The other message was Frau Schlemihl from the Rhineland Chemical Works requesting her call be returned.

Good morning, Frau Schlemihl. Self here. You wanted to talk to me?

Hello, Doctor Self. General Director Korten would like to see you. No one apart from Frau Schlemihl addresses me as Doctor. Since I stopped being a public prosecutor, Ive not used my title. A private detective with a Ph.D. is ridiculous. But being the good personal assistant Frau Schlemihl is, shes never forgotten Kortens introduction when we first met at the beginning of the 1950s.

What about?

He would like to tell you over lunch at the executive restaurant. Is twelve-thirty convenient?

In Mannheim and Ludwigshafen we live beneath the gaze of the Rhineland Chemical Works. It was founded in 1872, seven years after the Baden Aniline and Soda Factory, by Professor Demel and Entzen, His Excellency, both chemists. The Works have grown since then, and grown and grown. Today they encompass a third of the developed land of Ludwigshafen and boast around a hundred thousand employees. In collaboration with the wind, the rhythm of RCW production determines whether the region, and which part, will reek of chlorine, sulphur, or ammonia.

The executive restaurant is situated outside the grounds of the plant and enjoys its own fine reputation. Besides the large restaurant for middle management, there is a separate area for directors with several salons still decorated in the colours that Demel and Entzen synthesized in their early successes. And a bar.

I was still standing there at one. Id been informed at reception that the general director would unfortunately be somewhat delayed. I ordered my second Aviateur.

Campari, grapefruit juice, champagne, a third of each. The red-haired, freckled girl helping out behind the bar today was happy to learn something new.

Youre doing a great job, I said.

She looked at me sympathetically. The general directors keeping you waiting?

Id waited in worse places, in cars, doorways, corridors, hotel lobbies, and railway stations. Here I stood beneath gilded stucco and a gallery of oil portraits where Kortens face would hang one day.

My dear Self, he said, approaching. Small and wiry, with alert blue eyes, grey crew-cut, and the leathery brown skin you get from too much sport in the sun. In a band with Richard von Weizscker, Yul Brynner, and Herbert von Karajan he could take the Badenweiler, Hitlers favourite march, play it in swing, and hed have a worldwide hit.

Sorry to be so late. Youre still at it, the smoking and the drinking? He frowned at my pack of Sweet Aftons. Bring me an Apollinaris! How are you?

Fine. Im taking it a little slower these days, not surprising at sixty-eight. I dont take every job any more and in a couple of weeks Ill be sailing the Aegean. And youre not relinquishing the helm yet?

Id like to. But itll take another year or two before anyone can replace me. Were going through a sticky patch.

Should I sell? I was thinking of my ten RCW shares deposited at the Baden Civil Servants Bank.

No, my dear Self, he laughed. In the end these difficult phases always turn out to be a blessing for us. But still there are things that worry us, long term and short term. Its a short-term problem I wanted to see you about today and then put you together with Firner. You remember him?

I remembered him well. A couple of years ago Firner had been made director, but for me hed always remain Kortens bright-eyed assistant. Is he still wearing Harvard Business School ties?

Korten didnt respond. He looked reflective, as though considering whether to introduce a company tie. He took my arm. Lets go to the Blue Salon. Its ready.

The Blue Salon is the best the RCW has to offer its guests. An art-deco room, with table and chairs by van de Velde, a Mackintosh lamp, and on the wall an industrial landscape by Kokoschka. Two places were set. When we were seated a waiter brought a fresh salad.