Juan Pablo Villalobos - Down the Rabbit Hole

Some people say Im precocious. They say it mainly because they think I know difficult words for a little boy. Some of the difficult words I know are: sordid, disastrous, immaculate, pathetic, and devastating. There arent really that many people who say Im precocious. The problem is I dont know that many people. I know maybe thirteen or fourteen people, and four of them say Im precocious. They say I look older. Or the other way around: that Im too little to know words like that. Or back-to-front and the other way around, sometimes people think Im a dwarf. But I dont think Im precocious. What happens is I have a trick, like magicians who pull rabbits out of hats, except I pull words out of the dictionary. Every night before I go to sleep I read the dictionary. My memory, which is really good, practically devastating, does the rest. Yolcaut doesnt think Im precocious either. He says Im a genius, he tells me:

Tochtli, youre a genius, you little bastard.

And he strokes my head with his fingers covered in gold-and-diamond rings.

Anyway, more people say Im odd: seven. And just because I really like hats and always wear one. Wearing a hat is a good habit immaculate people have. In the sky there are pigeons doing their business. If you dont wear a hat you end up with a dirty head. Pigeons have no shame. They do their dirty business in front of everyone, while theyre flying. They could easily do it hidden in the branches of a tree. Then we wouldnt have to spend the whole time looking at the sky and worrying about our heads. But hats, if theyre good hats, can also be used to make you look distinguished. That is, hats are like the crowns of kings. If youre not a king you can wear a hat to be distinguished. And if youre not a king and you dont wear a hat you end up being a nobody.

I dont think Im odd for wearing a hat. And oddness is related to ugliness, like Cinteotl says. What I definitely am is macho. For example: I dont cry all the time because I dont have a mum. If you dont have a mum youre supposed to cry a lot, gallons of tears, two or three gallons a day. But I dont cry, because people who cry are faggots. When Im sad Yolcaut tells me not to cry, he says:

Chin up, Tochtli, take it like a man.

Yolcaut is my daddy, but he doesnt like it when I call him Daddy. He says were the best and most macho gang for at least eight kilometers. Yolcaut is a realist and thats why he doesnt say were the best gang in the universe or the best gang for 8,000 kilometers. Realists are people who think reality isnt how you think it is. Yolcaut told me that. Reality is like this and thats it. Tough luck. The realists favorite saying is you have to be realistic.

I think we really are a very good gang. I have proof. Gangs are all about solidarity. So solidarity means that, because I like hats, Yolcaut buys me hats, lots of hats, so many that I have a collection of hats from all over the world and from all the different periods of the world. Although now more than new hats what I want is a Liberian pygmy hippopotamus. Ive already written it down on the list of things I want and given it to Miztli. Thats how we always do it, because I dont go out much, so Miztli buys me all the things I want on orders from Yolcaut. And since Miztli has a really bad memory I have to write lists for him. But you cant buy a Liberian pygmy hippopotamus that easily, in a pet shop. The biggest thing they sell in a pet shop is a dog. But who wants a dog? No one wants a dog. Its so hard to get a Liberian pygmy hippopotamus that it might be the only way to do it is by going to catch one in Liberia. Thats why my tummy is hurting so much. Actually my tummy always hurts, but recently Ive been getting cramps more often.

I think at the moment my life is a little bit sordid. Or pathetic.

* * *

I nearly always get on well with Mazatzin. He only annoys me when hes strict and makes me stick to our study plan rigidly. Mazatzin, by the way, doesnt call me Tochtli. He calls me Usagi, which is my name in Japanese, because he loves everything from the empire of Japan. What I really like about the empire of Japan are the samurai films. Ive seen some of them so many times I know them off by heart. When I watch them I go on ahead and say the samurais conversations out loud before they do. And I never get it wrong. Thats because of my memory, which really is almost devastating. One of the films is called Twilight of the Samurai and its about an old samurai who teaches the way of the samurai to a little boy. Theres one bit where he makes the boy stay still and mute for days and days. He says to him: The guardian is stealthy and knows how to wait. Patience is his best weapon, like the crane who does not know despair. The weak are known by their movement. The strong by their stillness. Look at the devastating sword that knows not fear. Look at the wind. Look at your eyelashes. Close your eyes and look at your eyelashes. Its not just this film I know off by heart, I know lots more, four.

One day, instead of teaching a lesson, Mazatzin told me his life story and its really sordid and pathetic. What happened is that he used to do really good business in TV advertising. He earned millions of pesos by making up adverts for shampoo and fizzy drinks. But Mazatzin was always sad, because hed actually studied to be a writer. This is where it gets sordid: someone earning millions of pesos being sad because theyre not a writer. Thats sordid. And so in the end, because he was so sad Mazatzin went to live very far away, in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, on top of a mountain I think. He wanted to sit down and think and write a book about life. He even took a computer with him. Thats not sordid, but it is pathetic. The problem was that Mazatzin didnt feel inspired and meanwhile his business partner, who was also his best friend, scammed him out of his millions of pesos. He wasnt a best friend at all but a traitor.

Thats when Mazatzin came to work for us, because Mazatzin is educated. Yolcaut says that educated people are the ones who think theyre great because they know lots of things. They know things about science, like the fact that pigeons transmit disgusting diseases. They also know things about history, such as how the French love cutting the heads off kings. Thats why educated people like being teachers. Sometimes the things they know are wrong, like if you want to write a book you have to go and live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere on top of a mountain. Thats what Yolcaut says, that educated people know lots of things about books, but nothing at all about life. We live in the middle of nowhere too, but we dont do it for inspiration. We do it for protection.

Anyway, since I cant go to school, Mazatzin teaches me things from books. At the moment were studying the conquest of Mexico. Its a fun topic, with war and blood and dead people. The story goes like this: On one side there were the kings and queens of the Spanish empire and on the other side there were the Indians who lived in Mexico. Then the kings and queens of Spain wanted to be the kings and queens of Mexico, too. So they came and they started killing all the Indians, but only to scare them and make them accept their new kings. Well, the truth is they didnt even kill some of the Indians, they just burned their feet. This whole story makes Mazatzin furious, because he wears calico shirts and leather sandals as if he was an Indian. And he starts with one of his lectures. He says:

They stole our money, Usagi, they plundered our country!

Its almost as if the dead Indians were his cousins or his uncles. Pathetic. By the way, the Spanish dont like cutting the heads off kings. They still have living kings and queens with their heads stuck on their shoulders. Mazatzin showed me a photo in a magazine. Thats really pathetic, too.