Richard Ford - Let Me Be Frank With You

STRANGE FRAGRANCES RIDE THE TWITCHY, wintry air at The Shore this morning, two weeks before Christmas. Flowery wreaths on an ominous sea stir expectancy in the unwary.

It is, of course, the bouquet of large-scale home repair and re-hab. Fresh-cut lumber, clean, white PVC, the lye-sniff of Sakrete, stinging sealants, sweet tar paper, and denatured spirits. The starchy zest of Tyvek mingled with the oceans sulfurous weft and Barnegat Bays landward stink. It is the air of full-on disaster. To my nose once practiced in these things nothing smells of ruin as fragrantly as the first attempts at rescue.

I notice it first at the red light at Hooper Ave., and then again when I gas up my Sonata at the Hess, before heading to the bridge, Toms River to Sea-Clift. Here in the rich gas-station scents, a wintry breeze flitters my hair while my dollars spool along like a slot machine in the gathering December clouds. Breeze has set the silver whirly-gigs to spinning at the Grandly Re-Opened Bed Bath & Beyond at the Ocean County Mall (Only new bedding can keep us down). Across its acres of parking, a tenth full at ten A.M., the Home Depot Kremlin-like, but enigmatically-still-your-friend-in-spite-of-all has thrown its doors open wide and early. Customers trail out, balancing boxes of new toilet works, new motherboards, new wiring harnesses, shrink-wrapped hinge assemblies, hollow-core doors, an entire front stoop teetering on a giant shopping cart. All is on its way to some still-standing domicile blottod by the hurricane six weeks past, but not lost from memory. Everyones still stunned here quarrelsome, funked, put-upon-but-resolute. All are committed to coming back.

Out here, under the Hess awning, someones piped in loud, sports-talk radio for us customers the Pat n Mike Show from Magic 107 in Trenton. I was once among their faithful. Theyre old now. A booming voice its Mike declares, Wowee, Patrick. Coach Benziwicki cut loose quite a hurricane of F-BOMBS, Im telling you. A real thirty-seconds-over-Tokyo.

Lets listen to it again, Pat says, through a speaker built deep inside the gas pump. Total disbelief. To-tal. This was on ESPN!

Another gravelly, exhausted, recorded voice Coach Bs takes up, in a fury: Okay. Let me just tell you so-called F-BOMB sportswriters one F-BOMB thing. Okay, you F-BOMBS? When you can F-BOMB coach a team of nine-year-old F-BOMB grammar school girls, then I might, might give you one shred of F-BOMB respect. Until then, you F-BOMBS, you can DOUBLE F-BOMB yourselves from here to F-BOMB Sunday dinner. You heard it here first.

The vacant-eyed, white-suited young Hess attendant whos pumping my gas hears nothing. He looks at me as if I wasnt here.

That about says it all, I guess, Mike concedes.

And then some, Pat concurs. Just drop your keys on the desk, Coach. Youre done. Take the F-BOMB bus back to F-BOMB Chillicothe.

Un-F-BOMB-believable.

Lets pause for a break, you F-BOMB.

Me? Youre the F-BOMB. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

IN RECENT WEEKS, IVE BEGUN COMPILING A PERSONAL inventory of words that, in my view, should no longer be usable in speech or any form. This, in the belief that lifes a matter of gradual subtraction, aimed at a solider, more-nearly-perfect essence, after which all mentation goes and we head off to our own virtual Chillicothes. A reserve of fewer, better words could help, I think, by setting an example for clearer thinking. Its not so different from moving to Prague and not learning the language, so that the English you end up speaking to make yourself understood bears a special responsibility to be clear, simple, and value-bearing. When you grow old, as I am, you pretty much live in the accumulations of life anyway. Not that much is happening, except on the medical front. Better to strip things down. And where better to start stripping than the words we choose to express our increasingly rare, increasingly vagrant thoughts. It would be challenging, for instance, for a native Czech speaker to fully appreciate the words poop or friggin, or the phrase Were pregnant, or Whats the takeaway? Or, for that matter, awesome when it only means tolerable. Or preemie or mentee or legacy. Or no problem when you really mean Youre welcome. Likewise, soft landing, sibs, bond, hydrate (when it just means drink), make art, share, reach out, noise used as a verb, and apropos of Magic One-Oh-Seven: F-Bomb. Fuck, to me, is still pretty serviceable as a noun, verb, or adjective, with clear and distinct colorations to its already rich history. Language imitates the public riot, the poet said. And whats todays life like, if not a riot?

YESTERDAY, JUST PAST EIGHT, AN UNEXPECTED PHONE call disrupted my morning. My wife, Sally, answered but got me out of bed to talk. Id been lying awake in the early sunlight and shadows, daydreaming about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, some good thing was going on that would soon affect me and make me happy, only I didnt know it yet. Since I took leave of the real-estate business (after decades), anticipation of this kind is the thing I keenly miss. Though its the only thing, given how realty matters have gone and all thats happened to me. I am content here in Haddam, aged sixty-eight, enjoying the Next Level of life conceivably the last: a member of the clean-desk demographic, freed to do unalloyed good in the world, should I choose to. In that spirit, I travel once a week up to Newark Liberty with a veterans group, to greet the weary, puzzled, returning troopers home-cycling-in from Afghanistan and Iraq. I dont truly credit this as a commitment or a true giving back, since its hardly inconvenient to stand smiling, hand outstretched, loudly declaring, Welcome home, soldier (or sailor or airman)! Thank you for your service! Its more grandstanding than serious, and mostly meant to demonstrate that were still relevant, and thus is guaranteed to prove were not. In any case, my personal sensors are on alert for more I can do thats positive with my end-of-days time known otherwise as retirement.

Frank? Its Arnie Urquhart, a gruff, male, too-loud telephone voice crackled through distant girdering, automotive-traffic noises. Somewhere in the background was music Peter, Paul & Mary singing Lemon Tree from faraway 65. Le-mun tree, ve-ry pritty / and the lemun flower is sweet Where I was standing in my pajamas, staring out the front window as the Elizabethtown Water meter-reader strode up the front walk to check on our consumption, my mind fled back to the face of ultra-sensual Marycruel-mouthed, earthy, blond hair slashing, her alto-voiced promise of no-nonsense coitus youd renounce all dignity for, while knowing full well you wouldnt make the grade. A far cry from how she ended life years on muu-muud and unrecognizable. (Which one of the other two was the weenie-waver? One moved to Maine.) but the fruit of the poor lemun is im-poss-i-bul to eat

Turn something down, Arnie, I said through the noise-clutter to wherever Arnie was on the planet. I cant hear you.

Oh yeah. Okay. A slurping wind-noise of glass being powered closed. Poor Mary went silent as the stone shes buried under.

The connection was clearer, then went vacant a long moment. I dont talk to people on the phone that much anymore.

Why do weathermen all wish for a fuckin sunny day? Arnie said, now at a distance from the phone. Hed put me on speaker and seemed to be talking out of the past.

Its in their DNA, I said from my front window.

Yep, yep. Arnie sighed a great rattling sigh. Cars were audibly whizzing past wherever he was.