Graham Swift - Wish You Were Here

THERE IS NO END to madness, Jack thinks, once it takes hold. Hadnt those experts said it could take years before it flared up in human beings? So, it had flared up now in him and Ellie.

Sixty-five head of healthy-seeming cattle that finally succumbed to the rushed-through culling order, leaving a silence and emptiness as hollow as the morning Mum died, and the small angry wisp of a thought floating in it: Well, theyd better be right, those experts, it had better damn well flare up some day or this will have been a whole load of grief for nothing.

So then.

Healthy cattle. Sound of limb and udder and hoof and mind. Not one of them mad as far as I ever saw, Dad had said, as if it was the start of one of his rare jokes and his face would crack into a smile to prove it. But his face had looked like simply cracking anyway and staying cracked, and the words he might have said, by way of a punchline, never left his lips, though Jack thinks now that he heard them. Or it was his own silent joke to himself. Or its the joke hes only arrived at now: We must be the mad ones.

And if ever there was a time when Jacks dad might have put his two arms round his two sons, that was it. His arms were certainly long enough, even for his sons big shoulders both brothers out of the same large Luxton mould, though with all of eight years between them. Tom would have been fifteen then, but growing fast. And Jack, though it was a fact he sometimes wished to hide, even to reverse, already had a clear inch over his father.

The three of them had stood there, like the only life left, in the yard at Jebb Farm.

But Michael Luxton hadnt put his arms round his two sons. Hed done what hed begun to do, occasionally, only after his wifes death. Hed looked hard at his feet, at the ground he was standing on, and spat.

And Jack, who long ago took his last look at that yard, looks now from an upstairs window at a grey sea, at a sky full of wind-driven rain, but sees for a moment only smoke and fire.

Sixty-five head of cattle. Or, to reckon it another way (and never mind the promised compensation): ruin. Ruin, at some point in the not-so-distant future, the ruin that had been creeping up on them anyway since Vera Luxton had died.

Cattle going mad all over England. Or being shoved by the hundred into incinerators for the fear and the risk of it. Who would have imagined it? Who would have dreamed it? But cattle arent people, thats a fact. And when trouble comes your way, at least you might think, though its small comfort and precious little help: Well, weve had our turn now, our share.

But years later, right here in this seaside cottage, Jack had switched on the TV and said, Ellie, come and look at this. Come and look, quick. It was the big pyre at Roak Moor, back in Devon. Thousands of stacked-up cattle, thousands more lying rotting in fields. The thing was burning day and night. The smoke would surely have been visible, over the far hills, from Jebb. Not to mention the smell being carried on the wind. And someone on the TV another of those experts was saying that burning these cattle might still release into the air significant amounts of the undetected agent of BSE. Though it was ten years on, and this time the burnings were for foot-and-mouth. Which people werent known to get. Yet.

Well, Jack, Ellie had said, stroking the back of his neck, did we make a good move? Or did we make a good move?

But hed needed to resist the strange, opposite feeling: that he should have been there, back at Jebb, in the thick of it; it was his proper place.

BSE, then foot-and-mouth. What would have been the odds? Those TV pictures had looked like scenes from hell. Flames leaping up into the night. Even so, cattle arent people. Just a few months later Jack had turned on the telly once again and called to Ellie to come and look, as people must have been calling out, all over the world, to whoever was in the next room, Drop what youre doing and come and look at this.

More smoke. Not over familiar, remembered hills, and even on the far side of the world. Though Jacks first thought or perhaps his second had been the somehow entirely necessary and appropriate one: Well, we should be all right here. Here at the bottom of the Isle of Wight. And while the TV had seemed to struggle with its own confusion and repeated again and again, as if they might not be true, the same astonishing sequences, hed stepped outside to look down at the site, as if half expecting everything to have vanished.

Thirty-two white units. All still there. And among them, on the grass, a few idle and perhaps still-ignorant human sprinkles. But inside each caravan was a television, and some of them must be switched on. The word must be spreading. In the Ship, in the Sands Cafe, it must be spreading. It was early September late season but the middle of a beautiful, clear, Indian-summer day, the sea a smooth, smiling blue. Until now at least, they would all have been congratulating themselves on having picked a perfect week.

Hed felt a surge of helpless responsibility, of protectiveness. He was in charge. What should he do go down and calm them? In case they were panicking. Tell them it was all right? Tell them it was all right just to carry on their holidays, that was what theyd come for and had paid for and they shouldnt let this spoil things, they should carry on enjoying themselves.

But his next thought though perhaps it had really been his first and hed pushed it aside, and it was less a thought maybe than a cold, clammy premonition was: What might this mean for Tom?

He looks now at that same view from the bedroom window of Lookout Cottage, though the weathers neither sunny nor calm. Clouds are charging over Holn Head. A November gale is careering up the Channel. The sea, white flecks in its greyness, seems to be travelling in a body from right to left, west to east, as if some retreat is going on. Rain stings the glass in front of him.

Ellie has been gone for over an hour this weather yet to unleash itself when she left. She could be sitting out the storm somewhere, pulled up in the wind-rocked Cherokee. Reconsidering her options, perhaps. Or she could have done already exactly what she said shed do, and be returning, having to take it slowly, headlights on in the blinding rain. Or returning who knows? behind a police car, with not just its headlights on, but its blue light flashing.

Reconsidering her options? But she made the move and said the words. The situation is plain to him now, and despite the blurring wind and rain, Jacks mind is really quite clear. She had her own set of keys, of course. All she had to do was grab her handbag and walk out the door, but she might have remembered another set of keys that Jack certainly hasnt forgotten. Has it occurred to her, even now? Ellie who was usually the one who thought things through, and him the slowcoach.

Ellie, Jack thinks. My Ellie.

Hes already taken the shotgun from the cabinet downstairs the keys are in the lock and brought it up here. Its lying, loaded, on the bed behind him, on the white duvet. For good measure he has a box of twenty-five cartridges (some already in his pocket), in case of police cars, in case of mishaps. Its the first time, Jack thinks, that hes ever put a gun on a bed, let alone theirs, and that, by itself, has to mean something. As he peers through the window he can feel the weight of the gun behind him, making a dent in the duvet as if it might be some small, sleeping body.

Well, one way or another, theyd never gone down the road of children. There isnt, now, that complication. Hes definitely the last of the Luxtons. Theres only one final complication it involves Ellie and hes thought that through too, seriously and carefully.