Edwards John - What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me

We must let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

I dont like to think of myself as a stupid person but I have done a lot of things in my life that were just plain stupid. Snorting cocaine is stupid. Snorting cocaine for just under a decade, desperately attempting to recreate the euphoric high from the first line ever snorted, is so far beyond stupid it may even qualify as criminal. Fortunately, I recognized this in my twenties and stopped. I then began to devote a huge amount of my time and energy to spiritual growth. I know that sounds weird to most people and Im not one of those gullible New Agetypes who believes everything any swami says, but I have always been very attracted to the idea of happiness, self-improvement, and change, which in my youth seemed to be somewhat elusive. For many years I studied astrology, went to spiritual retreats, practiced transcendental meditation and much more. Even as I was drawn to these practices, I also was somewhat skeptical. If there were a joke to be found, I would find it. And yes, while there is a lot of silliness out there, I do sincerely believe there are also a lot of positive things to be learned.

On May 4 th , 2004, it suddenly occurred to me that what I had been looking for all those years couldnt come from someone or something else. I realized that I was the source of my own happiness. It was kind of like, if in forty years of life, you had never once seen your own reflection and then one day you just simply looked in the mirror. The realization was so simple yet so weird. I think of that day as the day I woke up and started living, because there was a fundamental shift that happened in my mind and my perspective changed. Overnight, I no longer had any ongoing internal wars. I still had negative emotional reactions, but instead of hanging on to those feelings, I moved to acceptance seamlessly. It took me about two years to adapt to this new way of operating and during that time, I felt extremely high, quite similar to a high from drugs but much better. Actually way better.

Johnny and I took Quinn to school together the day after her fourth birthday. Afterward, we were standing in the kitchen while I made coffee for myself (he doesnt drink coffee). I asked him, What attracted you to me that first night? He responded, Your lightness. When you walked into the room there was a lightness about you.

When this lightness happened I (stupidly) assumed that I would do what countless others have done when waking up had happened to themI would teach. I had emerged from more than a decade of intense spiritual study as a person who was committed to being as honest and authentic as I can be with myself and to helping others to the same. I also had a knack for being able to help people see where they were stuck, and what was keeping them from being happy. Id been an actress, a producer, a filmmaker, and a writer. With my newfound lightness (accompanied with a few people asking me for guidance), teaching seemed the most logical thing for me to do next.

So on February 21 st , 2006, I was in the process of becoming a spiritual teacher, or to put it in more traditional terms, a life coach.