Gadoua - Contemplating divorce: a step-by-step guide to deciding whether to stay or go

Is not marriage an open question when it is alleged from the beginning of the world that such as are in the institution wish to get out and such as are out wish to get in?

Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are reading this book because you have come to a place where you feel unhappy in your marriage. You probably feel as if you, your spouse, or both have failed or that something in your life has failed. You may sense that a part of you has died. And it probably has.

When you unhappily remain in any of lifes situations, be it a job, a neighborhood, or a relationship, I believe that a part of you does die: the part of you that seeks a sense of alivenessyour spirit. One woman said recently that she felt as if she and her spouse were living a Stepford Wives existence: no love, no connection, and no emotion; rather, just going through the motions of being a family.

Feeling stuck with no remedy in sight usually results in some form of soul sickness. Even though you always have choices, it may not feel that way, because the choices you have at this juncture may seem less than ideal.

Standing on the precipice of such a big decision can be daunting. Feelings of sadness, guilt, fear, and anger are normal now, especially if your spouse is unaware of the extent of your unhappiness or you feel unsupported. You are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of people feeling stuck in matrimonial confusion. No matter how difficult the circumstances you face, there is a solution.

While I cant tell you what the right answer is for you, through this book, I intend to help you clarify the best next step for you in your situation. Ill help you better understand your relationship, examine your motives for wanting to stay or leave, and look at the potential impact of whatever decision you make. Lets begin.

Even just thinking about divorce may feel scary or bring feelings of betrayal of your spouse, yourself, your family, and your friends. Witnessing the growing divorce trends over the past few decades doesnt make marital dissolution any less difficult when its a personal event rather than one endured by friends or neighbors.

Regardless of whether you tied the knot knowing full well that you could divorce someday if things didnt work out or believing that divorce would never be an option, you are now viewing your marriage and your life from a different perspectiveone in which you are open to being unmarried to your spouse.

It would be highly unusual for a person to wake up one day and out of the blue say, I want a divorce. Normally theres a whole series of events and emotional phases that one or both parties in a marriage experience before even beginning to consider marital dissolution.

Whatever your reason for coming to this place (you fought like cats and dogs, you changed but she didnt, youve become tired of a certain behavior or trait he has, or youve simply outgrown one another) or however long youve been unhappy or unfulfilled, you are reading this book because you need some guidance in your decision-making process.

The primary goal of this book is to help you sort out your emotions and assist you through the maze of confusion and grief you will undoubtedly experience. By the end of the last chapter, I hope that, with the road map provided here, you will have a clearer sense of what direction to take regarding your marriage. I hope that you will know more about yourself and your situation and that you will be armed with much more information about how to take steps to divorce if you choose to go this route.

There is no right or wrong way to go through the challenging decision of what to do next, but there are commonalities Ive seen among those in marital flux.

I have noticed that there are three distinct stages of consideration in marital dissolutions: precontemplation, contemplation, and postcontemplation.

Precontemplation

Precontemplation is when the notion to separate has just begun to develop. Someone at this stage may not think of divorce as a serious option but may feel that something is not working or have a vague sense that the relationship is off track. Precontemplation of marital dissolution usually begins after a series of smaller disagreements, one serious argument, or a betrayal of some kind. With all three of these scenarios, you may feel as if a line has been crossed but that its not so egregious to make divorce a serious notion.

One example is Warren and Mimi, a couple who had only been married for eight months. They came to see me right after Warren found out that Mimi had not disclosed her arrest for driving under the influence just one year prior to their tying the knot. He wasnt upset about the DUI per se but was extremely concerned that she had not trusted him enough to tell him about it. He wondered whether, had he not opened a certain official-looking letter, she wouldve told him the truth. It also made him wonder what else she might have been withholding.

In reality, there was no reason for him to suspect that she was withholding anything further about this story, but it certainly threw a wrench into the relationship. Warrens first thought was that he couldnt trust Mimi and would have to divorce her. He eventually changed this line of thinking, and they were able to start over and rebuild trust.

At this stage, the idea of dissolving the marriage doesnt usually hang around long, nor does the one contemplating it spend too much time or energy imagining life as a divorced person. It is little more than a seed that has been planted in his or her mind.

Contemplation

Contemplation comes when the individual or couple has a much more serious need to consider divorce but perhaps needs more information to make a definitive decision. In this phase, its not uncommon for the scales to be tipped one day at 85 percent toward staying and the next at 60 percent toward leaving, or vice versa. Its normal, although not necessarily comfortable, to experience a great deal of mental and emotional confusion at this stage. Because of its tumultuous nature, this stage can be extremely emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.