Table of Contents
IAN LENDLER
is also the author of An Undone Fairy Tale, which is, oddly enough, a childrens picture book. He was the cofounder and former editor of Freedonian.com, a humor Web site that sadly only exists now in legend and fond memories. He currently lives in San Francisco. He does not have a drinking problem.
To Kusum
For a variety off reasons related to the writing off this book, and having only a little bit to do with the consumption off its subject matter.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, I need to thank Tanya McKinnon, who was very, very responsible for my writing this in the first place (as shes always reminding me).
Writing about alcohol is a lot like drinking alcohol. Its much more fun and interesting when you do it with friends. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has managed to acquire snippets of barroom/alcohol trivia in their time. Some of which even turned out to be true. So for putting me onto the scent of various facts in this book, I have to thank: David Goodearl and Howard Smith for remembering all the good bits from history, Marc Lendler, David Cashion, Anthony Crupi, Kevin Doyle, Cullen Duffy, Jason Eaton, Lucy Gadd, Keith Horan, Sami and Tanya Lahdelma, Devin Macintyre, Ray and Lydia Markoff, Pat Robinson, Steve Smith, Sarah Weiss, and finally, the bartenders at 11th St. Bar in Manhattan, who served me alcohol and anecdotes for many fine years.
WARNING
There is a grave danger that you must be made aware of before reading this book.
You will turn into Cliff Clavin. It happened to me. While writing and researching this book, I learned tons of interesting anecdotes and facts. Within days, I was the nightmare of every party. Like Cliff from Cheers, I began peppering every conversation with alcohol-related arcana, and just generally giving the impression that I was losing my grip on the great big world that existed beyond the rim of my pint glass. Very quickly, friends started asking how things were going at home, and slipping me the cards of counselors who could help.
So, please, only read this book in small doses, and at all times with a stiff drink in hand. This will ensure that whatever you read wont be recalled the next day with any real clarity. Your friends and local bartender will thank you for it.
INTRODUCTION
One must be drunk.... If you would not feel the horrible burden of Time that breaks your shoulders and bows you to the earth, you must intoxicate yourself unceasingly. But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, your choice. But intoxicate yourself.CHARLES BAUDELAIRE, NINETEENTH-CENTURY FRENCH POET
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?W.C. FIELDS
In the beginning, there was a grape.
And then a winged insect came, accidentally carrying some yeast that was stuck to its body. And the yeast got on the grape, and also on his grape neighbors. And they fermented in the sun.
A couple of days later, a bird in search of food came along and ate that grape.
And it was awffully refreshing, so the bird ate another one. Then another. And soon, the bird started feeling pretty good about his life... pretty darn good, actually. After all, here he was, eating grapes on a warm, sunny afternoon and, what the heck, it was prehistoric times, so its not like he had anything else to do that day.
So he called his bird friends over to try these new grapes, and soon enough, they were all full of good cheer, too, squawking and doing stunt cartwheels in the sky to impress some of the female birds who, having had a few too many grapes of their own, began flashing their plumage.
And ancient man saw this. And he saw that it was good.
According to scientists, this is the best explanation for how mankind first discovered alcohol. After a while, some enterprising human figured out how to harness the grape and create alcohol on purpose. Then, we were off to the races.
The first historical evidence of alcohol is a jug of wine found in the mountains of present-day Iran that dates back to 5400 B.C. The earliest sample of writing ever found is a Sumerian clay tablet that refers to beer in 3300 B.C.
In fact, the history of drinking is an alternate history of the world. Every advance in civilization has been accompanied by a step forward in mixology. Agriculture gave us vineyards, copper gave us distilling, coal furnaces gave us glass bottles, and rubber hosing gave us beer bongs.
Like it or not, certain things like war, god, love, and liquor seem to be intrinsic to human nature. Drinking is a universal language, an international common culture. Whether youre in a chichi bar in Paris or a honky-tonk in Texas, you can fall into a friendly debate with total strangers over the merits of lager versus stout, Scotch versus bourbon, or the drinking worlds greatest unending controversythe proper way to mix a martini.
The reason for this is simplefrom the relaxing first drink to the regrettable last drink to the hangover the next day, this ritual has been going on for thousands of years. Along the way, its been the catalyst for camaraderie, good times, and karaoke, not to mention stupidity, senseless violence, and karaoke.
In other words, as cultures go, drinkings pretty darn interesting.
The problem is, you wouldnt know it if you went looking around your local bookstore. There are plenty of in-depth books about alcohol, but they tend to be written by and for connoisseurs, people who share more in common with skid-row gutter bums than theyd care to admit. Namely, both groups take their tipple way too seriously.
In reality, there are very, very few wine, beer, or whiskey snobs in the world, but there are very, very many people who like to have a few drinks and swap funny stories with friends.
Thats where this book comes in. Besides being a general history of and guide to drinking, its main purpose is to serve as a compilation of the best drinking stories from some of the most famous people and events in history. The sort of stories you can swap with friends over drinks on a lazy afternoon.
So if youre interested in debating the molecular differences between French vineyard soil and Italian soil (which Im not), then you can go to a bookstore and pick up a serious tome by a wine expert (which Im also not).
But if you want to learn that the sailors on the Mayflower forced the Pilgrims out onto Plymouth Rock because they didnt want to sail any farther and risk running out of beer on the return trip to England (true story), then this is definitely the book you should be reading.
This is also the book to read if you want to find out that, statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of being killed by a flying champagne cork than by a poisonous spider, or that the Manhattan cocktail was invented by Winston Churchills mom.
While not every drink can have as grand a lineage as the Manhattan, each has its own unique story. For instance, whiskey is a tough-guy drink, right? But why? Why dont cowboys in movies mosey into a saloon, slap their dusty saddles on the counter, and ask the bar-keep for a drop of sherry?
And why do CEOs celebrate business deals with a bottle of champagne and not a forty-ounce of Colt .45? Lets be honest, theyre all just flavored alcohol. Theyll all get you drunk. So how does each drink gain its reputation?
