Vines - Aspergers on the Inside

Aspergers on the Inside

By Michelle Vines

This book is dedicated to my two sons, Isaac and Trent, because as a mother, I cant help but want to dedicate everything to them. They are my precious children and the center of my world!

Introduction

So, before we get going on this book, there are a few little things that I think would be helpful for me to explain first (with thanks to my editor and publisher for pointing out what a reader might be missing, or basically telling me what else I had to include!).

For starters, this is a personal storya memoirnot a textbook about Aspergers Syndrome. So please dont accidentally buy it looking for formal information! I know for some people, having the word Aspergers in the title did create the impression that it may be an information resource, but its far from that. It is a story about mea true story, as the people in marketing like to write, but coming from a very Aspie perspective.

Youll also find as you read this book that its very personal, with a lot of talk about feelings and relationships, particularly my relationships with other women. So if you have a fondness for reflection, psychology, and a little behind-the-scenes gossip, I think youll really enjoy how private and juicy the book gets! But I know not everyone is into that sort of thing, so if you arent, sorrythis book will probably have you drowning in boredom! Its a bit of a girly book, as they say. And if you hate that sort of stuff but have already bought it Um Um Oh, look how nice the weather is today

Now to quickly divert the topic to something else!

I know that I do tend to use the word Aspie a lot when I write. Aspie, Aspergers, Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, and Aspie again. And I guess you may find it surprising that I dont spend much time explaining these terms or attempting to pass on generic Aspergers information in the book. In fact, I make you wait all the way until Chapter Thirty-Five to even give my description of what Aspergers actually is, which I know*groan, grumble, complain*is a long time to wait!

But please bear with me in doing this, as it wasnt just a complete failure to think it through! I had my reasons. You see, for most of my life, I didnt know Aspergers even existed. I grew up with the premise that I was perfectly normal, with a just few quirks and differences to my personality. Okay, perhaps quite a few then, but they were nothing outrageous! So I always assumed that it was personality-based and I was simply unique. No one ever told me that I had a syndrome!

So when I first thought about sitting down and writing out a list of typical Aspie behaviors, I recoiled at the idea of presenting myself that way, because I really didnt want to be branded as simply someone with a syndrome. I wanted a chance to first come across as me. No lists of signs and symptoms, no typical Aspie behaviors charts, just me.

And so, thats the journey I want you to take with me when reading my story. I want you to see that Im a real human with real feelings and not someone you would dismiss as lacking in real emotion or ability. And in many ways, I hope Im still relatable as somebody you could understand and even share some experiences and feelings with, which is why I made a decision early on to let that information just trickle out in bits and pieces as you read through each chapter, in a manner more true to how I came to learn about myself.

Now to please all those who want everything to be strictly accurate. Yes, from 2013, Aspergers stopped being classified as a syndrome of its own and is now classified as part of the Autism spectrum. So technically, using the term is now incorrect. But you knowdetails, details! I still like to use the terms Aspie and Aspergers anyway, because theyre the terms I most relate to.

Anyway, moving on Another thing you will probably notice about the bookif you havent alreadyis that my style can be rather quirky and unconventional at times. In Chapter One, I wander into a weird discussion about why I laid the book out in question-and-answer format. And as the book progresses, I do address the readeryou!constantly, which I hear is a literary crime known as breaking the fourth wall. Yes, I admit it: I am a serial fourth wall breaker. But I usually do it for one purpose or another, even if that purpose is often to just insert some (really bad) humor!

You may also notice that the book takes place over about a year, in which time my attitudes and perceptions change quite a bit. So please understand that at the start of the book, all the uncertainty and insecurity I convey is just reflective of the stage I was at, and my outlook does mature and become more positive over time. And as I learn and grow, I give you a lot of insight into my thoughts and feelings, so hopefully, you get a real peek into what was going on in my head as I slowly came to understand and accept my diagnosis.

Oh, and one more thing before I forget. My editor, Hilary, suggested I should warn you about my tendency to use Australian-isms. I was born in Australia and moved to the USA at age thirty. In fact, at least half my story is set in Australia, so please forgive me if I still tend to use the odd bit of good ol Aussie slang.

My editor said that in some parts, the slang made her laugh. For example, in America, apparently, people dont talk about putting babies in capsules. Really? I dont see why not. But for the sake of me not getting hauled off by Child Protective Services, weve provided translations wherever Im told its necessary like that one that just popped up then. Great!

So please read on, and I hope you really enjoy my story.

Its so cool that youre reading my book!

Michelle

Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals and institutions.

Letter to a Fellow Aspie

11/26/2011

I liked the phrase meaningful meanderings that you wrote in the previous email. It sounded a bit like poetry. The email got my mind wandering about the point of life, wealth, and living here in Texas. Its so funny that I now have this American dream with the house and the kids and enough money to be happyas taboo as that is to mention. Its the sort of dream that many people work for and think is the ultimate goal. But to me, money has never been about spending. Ive always seen it instead as my get-out-of-jail-free plan to not have to work again, as strange as that may sound.

In theory, if you save enough money in the bank, you could live off the interest, and that is my idea of how I could reach freedom. A life in which I could never again be forced to do something that made me feel so bad. A freedom to always be at least okay. In the meanwhile, Im just sort of meandering life because I cant find a place (a niche) that works for me.

I had so much potential once. I had scholarships through high school. At university, I won a prestigious summer scholarship at the University of Queensland and graduated from the University of Melbourne in the top 3 or 4 percent of chemical engineering students. I have bachelors degrees in science and in engineering. I worked so hard to reach my goals and achieved outstanding results. I was driven. The world was my oyster, and I really felt like I was heading somewhere back then

But that was then. Im not exactly sure why I went nowhere.

Sometimes I think that something really special is there in me, still. I daydream about all the things I could be. But somehow, Ive lost it. And I honestly dont know if I will ever find it again. Work hit, and it didnt work for me in a way that I cant even explain. All I know is I cant ever do that again. I dont ever want to feel that way again. I dont think I could keep going if I did. So that circles back to the idea of living off money.

Im waffling here, but I think you are so much like me that you will understand my meaning. You seem to have found a little niche and a way to wander through life that has meaningful things in it for you. Id like to find that too. Something that makes me want to wake up each day and get going.