Faith G. Harper - Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs

O ur boundaries are the essential building blocks of our relationships. They are how we operate in the world. They are our rules of engagement. Our everyday expressions of consent. The space in which we navigate relationships and community. Really, thats it in a nutshell.

Boundaries are the literal structure of how we live in the world. Which means that understanding them is fundamental, needful information for being a human. It should be a class in kindergarten and every grade after.

So why are conversations about boundaries devalued and diminished? Why are they made fun of? Why is the idea of standing up for our space in the world met with derision?

Healthy boundaries are as much about social justice as interpersonal effectiveness. If we dont have boundaries, we are as malleable as play-doh. And if we are malleable, we are controllable. Boundary violations may not even be overtly awful things that are happening to us. It could be the day to day chipping away at our person-hood with things that are okay.

(I mean, how many times have you said, Its okay, but it actually wasnt good, or healthy, or wanted, and piece after piece of you disappeared?)

But what if we took it all back? What if we said, serious as a heart attack, that discussions around boundaries arent whiny bullshit but instead are the blueprint to saving ourselves and our relationships, for moving from okay to healthy, good, and strong?

I wanna do that. Do you wanna do that with me? Because, fair warning, this isnt an avo toast level of book. If you have read my other stuff, you know I talk about boundaries almost as much as I talk about trauma. But I am hearing, over and over, that people want to take a deeper dive into their work around boundaries. So thats where this book came from.

This is the serious heavy lifting of conversations around topics like #metoo and #timesup. Around coercive control as a far more insidious and harmful form of abuse in relationships than violence. Around dysfunctional family systems. And people pleasing. And cultural norms that tell you to be polite.

Boundaries help us feel safer and more secure in a world that is usually anything but. They are our foundational supports for existence. Having healthy boundaries means understanding where we need space and where we need scaffolding. It means communicating those needs to the people around us.

Instead, in modern culture, boundaries are more often defined by a lack of words or actions. Not talking about things sends the message that these things arent worth talking about. That they dont matter. That what we want, need, and desire doesnt matter. That who we are in relation to others doesnt matter. And that seeps into all our other interactions.

And it also needs to be said (I mean not to you because you get it...but for some of the folks in the back) that boundaries arent a tool of manipulation. They arent a mechanism for controlling other people and having them bow to your will. Boundaries are about claiming your own space, not claiming other peoples space.

If boundaries are a relational foundation, and you realize that your foundation needs some work, putting in some support beams now may help prevent a catastrophe later. So many people are afraid that expressing their boundaries will push others away or force others to act against their own will. Generally, the opposite is true. When we do not set and maintain boundaries, we end up resentful and withdrawn from relationships and that is what leads to their eventual breakdown.

So where do we start setting positive, healthy boundaries? Boundaries are inherently unique to each person and there is no one-size-fits-all way to manage them. But we can create a framework for discussion. We can look at ourselves and start conversations that we havent had before. And this has the power to create huge shifts not just in our lives, but within the rest of the world.

This isnt just self-changing work, its world-changing work.

Lets get to it.

E ver seen two tiny people end up having a really big kid? This book had two small parents...the original boundaries zine which was really popular; and a couple of the chapters from my book Unfuck Your Intimacy , which focused on boundaries and communication in romantic relationships. So many people have asked for more on this topic, that I rewrote those sections and included them within a bigger framework around boundaries as its own thang. So now what you have in your hands is my big-assed boundaries baby. And here is what this particular baby is all about:

Firstly, I am going to get up into my Professor Faith role and define boundaries, talk about the different types and styles of boundaries and the different kinds of boundary violations. And also, because I just cant help myself, there is some info on the brain science of boundaries. Its a new field so there isnt a ton, but its interesting (not to mention relevant as fuck to everything else were talking about).

Then theres the hard part of the book. We are going to really look at how and why are boundaries get so fucked up to begin with. Societal messages, trauma, and attachment, ways of relating in the world. 0% fun but 100% important.