Sally Clarkson - The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christs Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children

T he small flame of the vanilla candle flickered wildly as air from the opening door fanned the flame. Sarah, my gentle oldest child, peeked in the door and asked if we could talk for a few minutes. Her quiet voice told me she didnt want to attract the attention of anyone else in the house who might want to join us.

I had come to my bedroom to be alone. A fire was lit in the fireplace, a cup of tea steamed at my side, and a gentle Celtic melody played in the backgroundthe perfect setting for the short, one-woman retreat I had planned as a break from the otherwise busy hours of my day. Spending time with Sarah, though, was almost always a balm to my soul.

Somehow, in the past few years, we had passed from being just mother and daughter to becoming trusted and intimate soul mates. The strength we gained from our relationship had anchored both of us during several turbulent years. I had come to see my relationship with her as one of the real treasures and privileges of my life. And now, I could see, my almost-adult daughter really needed me. Her eyes were clouded over, and her face was marked with sadness. So I invited her in, and she quietly closed the door so we could sneak in a few private moments.

The tears began to overflow her dark blue eyes as soon as she sat down. The past year had been hard and lonely for her. She had yet to find a close friend in the new area where we had lived for two years. Several supposedly Christian young people had talked about dabbling in premarital sex, and some Christian leaders she knew and respected had caused the split-up of a church, leaving many broken relationships behind. On top of all this, our country had just experienced the terrorist attacks of September 11, and because my husband, Clay, and I were away at the time, Sarah had gone through that traumatic time without us. All these painful realitiesplus the nagging question of what to do with the rest of her lifecombined to trouble her mind and heart.

Mom, Im having such doubts in my Christian faith, she began. So many of the believers I know seem passionless or mediocre, or theyve compromised their faith by living immoral or immature lives. I would never believe in God if I had to depend on what I knew about him from many of the people we know! And so many terrible things have been happening in the world; its hard to make sense of it all. And I want to live a life thats pleasing to Christ, but sometimes I just feel so different from my peersAnd sometimes I wonder if God is really there listening to my prayers at all. Does my life matter to anyone at all?

I let her pour out her heart without judgment or criticism. Knowing her personal integrity, I was sure her thoughts and feelings came not from a rebellious heart but from an honest desire to find answers only God could give.

When she had finished talking, I assured her that God was big enough to sustain her questions and doubts and that he would make himself known to her in his time. Her spirit slowly calmed down.

You know, Mom, my doubts havent really driven me away from God; theyre driving me closer to him. I really want to have an authentic faith. I want to know the real God who created the stars and gave us the gift of beauty and music and great thoughts. I want a God who is real and worthy of my desire for greatness and purpose. Im not looking for religion; I want a close and true relationship worthy of my whole life commitment! I want what you and Daddy have. I feel like Im just beginning to understand what you have been teaching me for so many years.