Copyright 2018 by John W. Gray III
Foreword copyright 2018 by Steven Furtick
Cover design and photography by Anzeo Henderson.
Cover copyright 2018 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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First edition: October 2018
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Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.
Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version.
Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version). ESV Permanent Text Edition (2016). Copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. The ESV text has been reproduced in cooperation with and by permission of Good News Publishers. Unauthorized reproduction of this publication is prohibited. All rights reserved.
Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2018954706
ISBNs: 978-1-4555-3959-8 (hardcover), 978-1-4555-3957-4 (ebook), 978-1-5460-1085-2 (intl), 978-1-5460-3552-7 (intl South African)
E3-20191115-JV-PC-DPU
For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesnt understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.
Cynthia Occelli
And He said, Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.
Genesis 32:28
Different people appreciate different things about John Gray. Some marvel at his ability to break demographic barriers and shift an atmosphere by infusing an entire room with laughter. Hes made me laugh until I was out of breath on many occasions, so I understand firsthand how infectious his spontaneous, self-effacing humor can be. But thats not what I appreciate most about him.
Others will cite the depth of insight he brings to the biblical narrative, and his matchless ability to articulate universal truth with the warmth of a personal conversation. I, too, have sat mesmerized as he transported me so fully into a story or principle that I felt like I was hearing the most familiar wisdom for the first time.
And yes, he can sing too. His vocal runs and range make the rest of us wonder if God accidentally unevenly distributed talent on the day John was born.
For most people, this disproportionate mix of gifts, brilliance, and larger-than-life personality would probably be too much to handle. Most people with a fraction of these abilities would probably become the president of their own fan club. Not John. Thats what I appreciate most about my friend. Since Ive known him, I watched him win over and over again. Ive watched doors of influence open to him, and Ive watched him limpnot strutthrough them.
Ive watched him pay the price again and again to win from the only place true victory is possible: within. He fights to maintain a love for people that is never consumed by the size of the crowd. In an age of clich-infested Christianity, Ive seen John demand depth of himself as he wrestles with his own weakness in the shadows of his success. The fact that he has now written about this struggle with his trademark inspiration and vulnerability in tandem is a gift to us all, just as John himself is.
Steven Furtick, Charlotte, North Carolina, August 2018
I m leaving you! Im packing the kids, getting in the car, and going to my mothers house in Alabama. I wont tell anybody, but Im not staying!
With those words, my wife walked out of our home. My life, as I knew it, was over. John Gray, the pastor, the preacher, the traveling evangelist, the guy from TV, the person everybody celebrates, was a private failure. Every principle Id ever taught came back to haunt me. Every single thing Id ever believed about myself, relationships, and God walked right out the door behind my wife.
That singular, transformational moment was the result of many moments Id lived in my forty-four years, moments when I was unable and maybe even unwilling to see the heart of the person Id promised to love, honor, and protect. So much so that shed rather go back to the home of her childhood than live another day with me.
To the world, though, I was a magnificent success. I traveled around the world speaking at all the big Christian conferences. I preached at the largest church in America. And yet, every single day, I was dying on the inside. I was afraid to confront the real issues of my life and ill-equipped to handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father. On top of that, I was unwilling to seek help from those who I knew could be trusted. I allowed the voice of skepticism to convince me that I could protect myself from the blunt force trauma wrought by my choices.
Beyond the sting of my wifes words and the silence that followed, I was left with the reality that what people knew of me was about to change. Everything that I ever said, the monuments of words I built, was going to come crashing down.
And you know what I felt?
Not fear.
Not shame.
Not even guilt.
I felt utter, unequivocal relief.
Finally, the man who had been living two lives in one body would be able to come out from the shadows and declare, This is me. This is John Gray.
My wife was right. I had abandoned her in the middle of our marriage to nurse, build a monument to, and celebrate me. She should be glad that I chose her, I thought.
Something was very wrong with me.