Ken Keyes Jr. - Three Prescriptions for Happiness

Thats obvious. Why do you
often fail to ask
for what you want? Sometimes youre afraid
that people
will be mad
at you
if you do. Sometimes you hesitate
to assert yourself. Perhaps you expect people
to read your mind. Maybe you are practicing up
to become a martyr. I ts very simple
just learn to ask
for what you want.

You dont have to pussyfoot
or play nicey-nicey. You dont have to scream or yell. You dont have
to fire up your mind
and make people
terribly wrong
if they dont do
what you ask. You dont have to clam up. You dont have
to retreat into
a deafening silence
that puts your relationship
into a deep freeze. J ust simply
ask for what you want without playing deceptive games, without loading it down
with separating emotions
or implied threats, without using
a heavy tone of voice.

Simply
but definitely
and specifically,
ask for
what you want! P ractice asking
for what you want
by noticing
how simply and directly
you can make requests
such as,
Please pass the pepper,
or
Will you lock the door
when you leave? Youll be getting
the hang of it when you can
ask for ANYTHING
in the same tone of voice
and with the same ease
as when you ask someone
to pass the pepper
or lock the door. Y ou will have to
practice a bit
lots of bits! You wont always find it easy
to ask for money,
love,
sex,
or no sex,
assistance of various kinds
in a simple
yet specific
no-big-deal way. Being simple,
direct and specific,
without making
a pressure-cooker situation
out of asking
for what you want
is a skill
you will have to develop
if you want to live
a happier life. N ow lets look at
the second part of the prescription:
but dont demand it. A demanding act comes from
a demanding frame of mind. Look at your separating feelings,
your attitudes and mental positions.

And then see how you
act out your demands:
by playing poor me,
by playing you hurt me and
by playing if you really loved me....
and on and on. This will take
a lot of practice
because were all so used
to demanding
so many things. Remember, you can demand
with a forceful tone
or with silent pursed lips. Its your vibrations that count! W hy do you
automatically demand
so much? Youre afraid people
wont treat you right
if youre not demanding. Youre afraid people
will run all over you. So you make yourself very cactusy.

Youre sure youre right
and you want your rights
even if
you make yourself unhappy
getting your rights! You feel that
when you spend
a lot of time with someone,
youd better
shape up the person
so he or she
will fit your models! B ut are you making
yourself happier
with all this demanding? Do you really get
what you most want
in your life
through your demanding? Are you really ready
to look
at how you are
addictively demanding
so many things of yourself,
of other people
and the world? I f you look closely
at the results youve had
from all the demanding
youve done recently,
I think youll conclude
that even though
youre right,
the results you get
from demanding
are not all that good. In other words,
most of the demanding you do
doesnt add
to your happiness. You lose more happiness
than you gain. Y ou may discover
that a lot
of what you get
does not come
because of
your demanding it. Why does it come? It comes
because
it comes. Youre a part
of it all.

You have a right
to be here. S ometimes you get
what you want
by demanding. But its like
losing a dollar
and gaining
a quarter! When you either
loudly or softly demand
(instead of prefer)
you will lose:
insight,
humor,
enjoyment,
a feeling of love
(for yourself and others)
and your peace of mind. Youve cheated yourself. You never deserve
to be cheated by yourself. H ow do you stop demanding? It will mean loosening
the tight grip
you feel inside you.

It will mean softening
the tones of your voice. I t will mean letting go
of that rock-like stance
you put on
when you ask for something. It will mean that you
stop frowning
and feeling so serious
about the soap opera
we call life. Youll probably
find it scary at first.
But with practice
it will be very relaxing
when you learn to ask for
what you want
without demanding. I t will mean taking the
this-is-such-a-heavy-problem tone