Earl A. Grollman - Living When a Loved One Has Died

Everyone dies. You learned this as a child.

On countless occasions you fantasized about how you would react when death strikes.

Your loved one has died. You are unprepared. The death has struck like a tidal wave. You are cut loose from your moorings. You are all but drowning in the sea of your private sorrow.

The person who has been part of your life is gone forever. It is final, irrevocable. Part of you has died.

Death diminishes you. You are living in a nightmare. You think: Now I have touched the bottom of despair.

I cant go any farther. You do go farther. There is no comfort. Absence becomes the only presence. Too much has been left unsaid, unfinished, unfulfilled. There is so much you wanted to share.

You feel an overpowering desire to be reunited with your loved one. You want to undo this ruthless separation. How can you go on living? Your world is shattered. You are adrift, alone, in lifes most difficult situation. You feel utterly lost.

How often in happy times did you ask, Why? When blessings were yours and life was joyful, did you ask, Why? Now death has shaken your faith, Why? Why me? Why didnt I die first? Why must my life be one of sorrow? Why? There are no pat answers.

No one completely understands the mystery of death. Even if the question were answered, would your pain be eased, your loneliness less terrible? There is no answer that bridges the chasm of irreparable separation. There is no satisfactory response for an unresolvable dilemma. Not all questions have answers. Unanswered whys are part of life.

Everyone knows what is best for you.

People offer words of consolation: I know just how you feel. (You want to scream: No you dont! How can you possibly know what Im going through?) You are doing so well. (Do you know how I feel when you leave?) Your loved one lived to a ripe old age. (At any age death is a robber.) Others have lived through it. (Im not concerned about others. (Then this vindictive and vengeful God must be my enemy.) Your heart is breaking and they offer you clichs. (Then this vindictive and vengeful God must be my enemy.) Your heart is breaking and they offer you clichs.

You see, they are frightened, too. They feel threatened and ill at ease. But they are sharing as best they can. Accept their companionship, but you need not take their advice. You may simply say, Thank you for coming.

My loved one has died. My loved one has died.

It hurts ME deeply. Part of MY life has changed. I dont know what to do. Notice the words: IMEMY. These are the pronouns of grief. Do not feel ashamed at constantly referring to yourself.

As Rabbi Hillel said: If I am not for myself, who is?

When you lose, you grieve. It is hard to have the links with your past severed completely. Never again will you hear your loved ones laughter. You must give up the plans you had made; abandon your hopes. Like all people who suffer the loss of someone they loved, you are going through a grieving process. The time to grieve is NOW.

Do not suppress or ignore your mourning reactions. If you do, your feelings will be like smoldering embers, which may later ignite and cause a more dangerous explosion. Grief is unbearable heartache, sorrow, loneliness. Because you loved, grief walks by your side. Grief is one of the most basic of human emotions.