Dr. Iain Corness - Farang: Thailand Through the Eyes of an Ex-Pat

Acknowledgements

How do you, with ones first book, thank everyone who made it possible?

Perhaps I should start with a succession of English teachers who managed, all those years ago, to impart a smattering of interest in the English language? Alas, their names have gone with the passing of time, but they are not forgotten.

It appears customary to thank ones spouse, and I see no reason to break that custom. My Thai wife, the delightful Som, has been the inspiration for many of the tales in this book, even though at the time she did not realise it. The cobra in the kitchen story belongs to her. I only recorded the aftermath. She opened a door not just to a cobra, but to the culture of Thailand, that I could never have opened on my own. If it were not for her, I would still be standing outside barbershops on Wednesdays, blissfully unaware of the midweek superstitions.

Of course, there are many people who have a book in their minds, as yet unwritten. Mine too could have been gestational or worse, stillborn, if it were not for the publishers, or dare I say, my publishers at Maverick House. Some of the staff I have met, such as John Mooney who brought my contract to Thailand. He probably still does not believe that I didnt really understand it, but his explanation that Its a standard publishers contract was all I needed. I signed, and on that day felt that I was becoming a writer.

Another I have met, who has amazed me with his eye for detail, is Pornchai Sereemongkonpol, who would ring me to let me know I had gotten confused with the kryptonite item, and that they hadnt made a sequel to the Top Gun movie (read on; all will become clear). So if you find some errors of fact after all that, Ill let you blame Pornchai, rather than me! Thank you Khun Pornchai.

The third person I met from the publishers was Jean Harrington, who replied in such good grace when I asked her what her part in the organisation was. I am the managing director, she said so sweetly, while I cringed with embarrassment! Thank you, Jean for your encouragement.

The final three I have not met, but I owe them all a debt of gratitude. The first is Adam Hyland, who has been my editor over there in Ireland, and who had the unenviable job of making 60 short stories into a book. I thank you. Secondly Gert Ackermann, who has masterminded the publicity for my humble first book, all done from afar. And finally, Sarah Ormston, who appeared only in my email inbox but enthused, encouraged and prodded, and had me spending nights writing, to fulfil her expectations as to the number of words needed. It was Sarah who alerted me to the Maverick House website (www.maverickhouse.com) and the forthcoming titles page, where in June I saw the cover and a description of this book. It was at that point I went from being a writer to being an authorin my own mind at least. Thank you Sarah.

Of course there are always others who have helped in some way or another, such as Peter Malhotra (MD of the Pattaya Mail ) who helped lift me up any time I fell over in Thailand (and there were a few stumbles), and I also thank my eldest son, Dr Jonathan Corness, who has been just so enthusiastic, and made me feel that it was worthwhile pursuing my dream.

This book, my book, is also yours. Thank you.

FARANG

DR IAIN CORNESS

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my late father and wonderfully very alive mother, who made me look at life enquiringly; and to my delightful Thai wife Som, who never ceases to be amazed at all the normal things in Thailand which amaze me!

A Coffin, Purgatory, and a Long Life

One day I purchased a coffin for a poor person, saved my parents from purgatory, secured a long life for myself, and kept my wife happy. Thats not bad for 30 minutes and 3.50 (or AUS$8.50)!

I have mentioned before that Thai people are superstitious. No, make that very superstitious! My wife is Thai and all of the above applies. In spades.

But back to the story. I was rung breathlessly at lunchtime, just after I had paid for the coffin of a deceased man who had been poor in life, and had become no richer upon dying.

Are you beezy?

No. Not too busy, I replied guardedly.

Then please meet me at the Sawang Boriboon Foundation as it is important for you to make merit.

Now the Sawang Boriboon Foundation is a Chinese-based group that comes under the general heading of The Body Snatchers! Thais are somewhat afraid of violent deaths, so the Chinese chaps clean up the road carnage.

It is a quick ride to the local wats crematorium office. However, if you are only severely injured rather than killed outright, you will be taken at high speed in the back of a pickup truck to the closest hospital. If you survive the trip, then youll probably live through it all, though sometimes I think it might be better to just croak at the roadside. It would be quicker and less painful.

The Sawang Boriboon Foundation is also a charity organisation, and as I drove there that rainy Monday, I had the feeling that my wallet was about to become a sacrifice to somebodys gods somewhere.

However, as I arrived, the bright smile on the face of my wife was enough to make me happy too. I was informed that she had been to see the fortune teller that morning, and he had told her she was married to an older farang (true) and that I had just had a birthday (also true) but for everything to work out well for 2007, I had to make merit. The stage was set.

We went to the Sawang Boriboon merit counter, something similar to a tellers window at the bank, where I gave the smiling lady 250 baht, and in return she gave me a piece of yellow paper to fill out with the date and my name. This was signed by her and returned to me. A sort of receipt that I would be able to show later at the Merit Bank, I presumed. But it wasnt that easy. I was also given a piece of white paper headed Prayers for Benefactors.

The instructions were quite plain. Walk upstairs. Light three joss sticks. Put the palms together and pray to the gods on the altar.

There was much more about prayers and incantations, and at the bottom was the rider, Youd better buy a bottle of oil for worship and add oil to the lamp. God will bless you.

Just coincidentally I am sure, there was a booth selling small bottles of cooking oil and packets of joss sticks that one passed on the way to the stairs, so for another 50 baht or so, we were oiled and jossed and ready.

We ascended the stairs, and on the next floor up there were several statues of Chinese gods, receptacles for incense and eternal flames (re)fuelled by small bottles of recently purchased cooking oil. I also noticed that there were several large empty oil tins behind, one with The Pizza Company label on it. I wondered idly if they were collecting or donating!