Bethany Marshall - Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away

For my wonderful husband, Mark, who inspired this book by offering a relationship where there is always a dialogue and never an impasse.

I would like to thank my literary agent, Carrie Cook, a true go-getter, who approached me about writing this book and then made it happen.

To the rare and talented team at Simon Spotlight Entertainment, I am grateful for the opportunity to have cocreated this wonderful project with you.

Rick Richter, president of Simon & Schusters Childrens Publishing Division, thank you for your faith in Deal Breakers .

Patrick Price, my editor, who nurtured and developed this idea from the beginningnot only are you perceptive, poetic, and wise, but you helped me write a book that is both intellectually honest and entertaining.

Jen Bergstrom, Simon Spotlight Entertainment publisher, you are hip, savvy, and smart. Thank you for reading and rereading this manuscript and interjecting your invaluable advice.

Michael Nagin, your brilliant cover design captures the essence of Deal Breakers .

My thanks also to my publicists Jennifer Robinson and Sandi Mendelson, who helped give this book a voice.

I am especially grateful for my dear friend and colleague, Lucia Aparicio, LCSW. You are a brilliant diagnostician. Thank you for endless hours spent discussing and refining the concepts in this book.

To the instructors and training analysts at the Los Angeles Institute and Society for Psychoanalytic Studies, thank you for teaching me the value of making the unconscious consciousfor both my patients and my readers.

I am especially indebted to my precious husband, Mark. Thank you for making my manuscript better, for being a partner and a best friend, and for patiently reading countless Louis LAmour novels while you waited for me to complete this book.

And finally, to my parents who have been married for forty-seven years, Dr. John and Gloria Marshall, thank you for surrounding me with the power of love and attachment.

I am a psychoanalyst who helps women improve their relationships and their love lives. Over years of clinical practice, I have counseled countless women... and men... and couples from all walks of life.

When I listen to a woman who is facing a relationship challenge, I can usually tell in the first few minutes whether the problem is a deal breaker. And fairly soon, I am able to determine if she should work on it or walk away. How do I know? There are countless clues... for instance, whether or not her guy is motivated enough to make the changes that she needs... whether or not the problem is too serious to be fixed... and whether or not she is able to see the situation clearly.

And that is why I have written this book. I want you to know what I know about facing deal breakers and then determining what to do about them. And I want to help you achieve the healthyand very possibleromance that you have dreamed of since you were a little girl. It is magical and wonderful to love a man who loves you in returnand in the way that you need. But it is a tragedy to commit your love and energy to the wrong man.

With this in mind, what is your deal breaker? A man who does not love you enough? A man who takes you out and talks only about himself? How about a man who doesnt talk at all? Or a man who is more interested in watching television and a local sports game instead of connecting to you?

What qualities make you instinctively cringe? If hes cheap? A liar? Emotionally detached? Jealous and possessive? What if he checks out other women while hes on a date with you?

Or maybe something less critical instinctively bugs you. Hes a wonderful guy but uses random, weird phrases, like foxy lady and hey, baby. Perhaps he has dirt under his fingernails. Or wears socks with his sandals. You do not want to appear shallow, but theres something deeper that is bothering youyou just cant put your finger on it yet.

Perhaps he seemed perfect in the beginning. But over time, he began to get on your nerves.

When character defects and attitudes bother you this much, it is because (whether you realize it or not) you are defining your breaking pointor rather, your deal breaker .

In the business world, a deal breaker is the one nonnegotiable term that, if not agreed to, means the deal is off. But in the world of relationships, identifying your deal breaker can be much more promising, as it holds out the possibility of helping you understand where the relationship has gone wrong, what needs to be done in order to make it better, and when to walk away because, although you have done everything possible, it remains a no-win situation.

Women negotiate deals in their professional lives all the time. But why not in their personal relationships... especially when the stakes are potentially so much higher? (Granted, pulling out a contract over dinner might not be the best move, but it sure would make things a whole lot easier, wouldnt it?)

Instead, women often accept relationships in which they are constantly negotiating, yet never defining the terms of their deal. For instance, Linda, a twenty-four-year-old production assistant, came to my office with the worry that her boyfriend was taking advantage of her. They had lived together for one year and he had recently asked her to spend money redecorating their home. The tricky part was that he owned the house and had not yet made a marital commitment to her. Yet every time she asked him about the future, he would say, Why do you keep questioning our relationship? If I didnt think you were marriage material, why would I be living with you? So Linda sought therapy to resolve her growing doubtfulness and confusion about the relationship.

This was a deal breaker that anybody could spot a mile away! Her cheapskate boyfriend was asking for an emotional and financial investment from her, yet refusing to come clean about his own intentions (he had pulled the Jedi mind trick on her, making it seem like she had the problem). And Linda had become confused and forgotten that relationshipslike business arrangementsare deals. Both parties have to agree to the terms. And if a nonnegotiable term is not agreed to, it is okay to walk away.

But because my misguided patient did not yet know about deal breakers, she succumbed to the same questions that women often ask in these types of situations:

Am I making too big a deal out of this?

I wonder, is it him or is it me? I try to tell him how I feel, but he tells me that I am imagining things.

Perhaps I should give him more time to make up his mind. I dont want to drive him away.

Miss Hoping for a Change missed the biggest deal breaker of all lack of a reciprocal emotional investment (this common deal breaker will be discussed in an upcoming chapter). And instead, she tried to make the most of it and slumped deeper and deeper into a depression.

Once I helped Linda define her deal breaker, she was able to see that her boyfriends lack of honesty was, in and of itself, a form of communication. She began to see things more clearly, and her confusion disappeared.

A deal breaker is a boundary that smart people set for themselves because they know that falling in love can make them do stupid things. The tricky thing about deal breakers, however, is that they are not always apparent at the beginning of a relationship. Romantic relationships require optimism, hope, and idealization to get off the ground. Because of this, important warning signs can easily be ignored.

A case in point is Carrie, a twenty-eight-year-old entertainment executive who got caught up in an exciting romance with a divorced man. Although he kept calling, he also kept telling her that he had lost most of his assets in his divorce and no longer believed in marriage. Carrie rationalized to herself that he was emotionally scarred and would eventually overcome his reservations about her. One day Carries lover left his briefcase open while taking a postsex shower. Carrie snooped and came across an old photograph of him and his ex-wife standing in front of a beautiful home, blissfully embracing each other. It was not until Carrie saw the picture that she was able to conceptualize what was wrong with the relationship. Namely, that she was dating a man who had once been willing to give himself to another woman but was now unwilling to share himself fully with her.