Ben Bernstein - Stressed Out! for Parents: How to Be Calm, Confident & Focused

For all parents who want to grow with their children.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am only for myself, what am I?

If not now, when?

Rabbi Hillel

1st century CE

With Our Thanks

As a psychologist and performance coach, I am deeply grateful to all the parents and children I have worked with over many years who have shared with me their stories, struggles, and triumphs. It has been a privilege to grow with them.

Special thanks to my own family, friends, and colleagues who face the many challenges of parenting on a daily basis: Didi Conn, David Shire, Andrew Bernstein, Mariel Mulet, Richard and Jaimie Bernstein, Joe Ruffatto, Pat Singer, Suzin Green, and David Martin. To my own teachers: Wendla Kernig, David E. Hunt, Viola Spolin, and Catherine Shainberg, I offer my thanks for their encouragement, wisdom and support, as well as to Dr. Tom Phelan, mentor and author.

One of the great pleasures of writing this book has been the opportunity to work with Michelle Packard. Her dedication as a parent, her determination to learn and to grow, and her compassion and skill as a writer suffuse every page of this book. She was the best collaborator I could wish for.

My heartfelt thanks to her. I am forever thankful to my wife, Suk Wah, for her trust and support. Her love inspires me to continue to grow every day.

As co-authors, Michelle and I express our greatest appreciation for the time and effort put forth by the entire Familius team. Heartfelt thanks to Christopher Robins for introducing Michelle to me, and gratitude to his wife, Michele Robbins, for her vision and support of happy families. We so appreciate the time and efforts of David Miles for an inspired cover and to Maggie Wickes for her hours of undoubtedly tedious editing.

And now a note from Michelle...

As a mother I have realized that its rare in life to have anything great come about without the help and support of others. This book is no exception. So much gratitude goes to Ben Bernstein for trusting me with his work of a lifetime. He has truly been a great mentor. Special thanks to my parents Lynne and Byron Hutchings, my siblings and their spouses, James and Liz Hutchings, Heather (who proofed the book cover to cover) and Joe Petersen, Justin and Jodi Hutchings, and Marquie and Patrick Walton, for sharing their stories with me and being great examples of parenthood. Gratitude to Destry Alvarado, Rachelle Christensen and the many other authors, friends, and family who pitched in with a lending ear, personal experiences, and their total honesty.

Most importantly I send my love and appreciation to my children EllaAnne, Daniel, Julia, and Jackson, and to my husband Bryce for being patient with me, allowing me to try out the model with them, and loving me even when Im not perfect. I cant imagine life without you!

Chapter 1

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

You Have a Lot Going On

Your toddler is crying because his brother just grabbed his favorite toy, the school is calling because your delinquent teenager cut classes again, and your office is texting to let you know you have to work late tomorrow, which means youll miss your daughters soccer game. Your kids spend more time with Facebook than they do with you. In fact, you know your son is watching a movie at his girlfriends house only because he posted it on his page. Youre wife thinks youre too hard on the kids, and youre tired of the kids taking all of her extra time. And everyone wants money. Money! Youre never going to have enough money to pay for the broken bones, windows, and glasses frames. College? Well youre definitely not going to be able to afford that. Youre a dinosaur when it comes to technology. Youre always tired. You feel guilty when youre at work because you arent with your kids, and you feel guilty when you are with your kids because you are not doing more at work. But what does that really matter? Your kids would rather hang out with their friends. You rarely have time with your spouse, and you cant seem to get to all those extra tasks. Youre worried your kids are being bullied at school; youre worried they dont have any friends; youre worried you are going to mess them up before they ever have a chance at life.

How can you manage it all? How can you possibly succeed at parenting?

Calm, Confident, and Focused

In this book Im going to give you the three keys to being a successful parent. You already know them from the books subtitle, so my cards are on the table. When you learnreally learnto be calm, confident, and focused in your parenting, youll be amazed at how much you can handle, and not just handle but do really well.

Being calm, remaining confident, and staying focused are the three keys to success in any endeavor of life.

How do I know this? Ive been a psychologist and teacher for over forty years, and my area of specialization is success and how people become successful. To figure this out, Ive studied, observed, and coached people in many fieldssports, business, teaching, healthcare, the performing arts, and parenting to name a few. Over and over again Ive seen that every successful person has built a strong foundation that doesnt depend on whether they have lived a less-than-privileged life or if they were given a better lot at birth. It doesnt matter if people have talent or not, if theyre patient or compassionate, or good with kids or indifferent. It doesnt even matter if they have failed many times. What matters is this: that they have learned how to be calm, confident, and focused.

Heres an example of what Im talking about from a parenting perspective:

As the telephone rings, Ethan, age eight, runs into the house with a look of sheer panic on his face. His friends, all looking worried, trail closely behind him. Ethans mother, Amy, knows the incoming phone call is from the neighbors, and its going to be bad news. As she picks up the phone her fears are confirmed. Filled with embarrassment, her heart rate jumps, her fists clench, and her brow furrows. She slams the phone down on the counter and starts berating Ethan for shattering the neighbors new sliding glass patio door. She starts yelling, You never stop and think! You are so irresponsible! How could you throw a rock through their glass door? I give you so much, and this is the thanks I get? Ethan starts crying, and Amy sends him to his room. Suddenly, she is brought back to reality by the fearful and silent wide eyes of the neighbors children who have been watching this whole scenario. Embarrassed, her heart drops, her shoulders fall, and her brow settles as she begins to feel the weight, guilt, and stress of failure.

In contrast, a few houses down, Jennys son Derek quietly comes in the house trailed by his friends. Derek broke the neighbors windshield. He was throwing rocks over the house, and he shattered it!

Jenny observes how upset Derek is and lets him speak immediately. He nervously admits that he shattered the neighbors windshield because he and his friends were seeing if they could throw a rock all the way over the house, not aware that the car was on the other side. Jennys first response is to pause. She takes a deep breath. She thinks, How should I react to this? What do I want Derek to learn? How do I teach him and show him that I still love him? While she expresses appreciation for his honesty, she begins to feel stressed. She knows she will inevitably have to come up with the money to pay for the windshield. She can tell her stress is increasing because shes not breathing regularly. So she calms herself with a deep breath and the inner reaffirmation: It will work out. It always does. Derek didnt mean to break the window, and he is a good kid. It was very brave of him to tell the truth. Jenny expresses these feelings to her son calmly. She discusses the broken windshield with him and asks him what he needs to do to make recompense for his actions. Jenny and Derek then go to the neighbors, and he apologizes. Derek sticks to the plan he created with his mom and gives the neighbors all the money he hasone dollar. Mom cuts a check for the broken windshield. Derek has promised to pay the rest back to her. Jenny helps Derek clean up the glass. She then focuses on teaching Derek to make smarter choices that involve thinking about the possible consequences of his actions. Though everything is far from perfect, Jenny feels good about the outcome, and Derek has learned about being responsible for his actions.