Kerry Howells - Untangling you: How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?

Acknowledgments

This book has been greatly enriched by many years of listening to participants in my workshops, university classes, book clubs and research projects, as well as many conversations with friends and strangers on planes. I am most grateful to you all for your questions and insights, and for sharing your stories.

Id like to acknowledge the many spiritual teachers, philosophers and gratitude researchers whose dedication and insight have greatly helped me to strengthen my grasp of the meaning and relevance of this giant of a virtue.

My deep gratitude to all who have extended their friendship to read and offer suggestions on chapters and versions of this book: Christine Thambipillai, Peter OConnor, Therese Smith, Chris Adams, Jean Pelser and Rikki Mawad. Gratitude is also greatly owed for the professional editing advice at various stages from Perri Wain, Lee Buchanan, Gina Mercer, Chris Adams, Janet Hutchinson, Virginia Lloyd and Lucy Risdale. I would particularly like to thank Jo Lucas, who so perceptively and generously read the final version with me.

To my loving partner Lynden we make such a wonderful team. Thank you for your brilliant proofreading skills and your wordsmithing, as well as your tireless devotion and support.

My long-time friend Mike Levy, thank you so much for your encouragement and insights at various stages along the way. You really helped give shape to this book when it needed it most.

I would also like to thank Michael Leunig for his generosity in providing the image for the front cover of this book. Thank you, Michael, for inspiring us to remember gratitude for the simple things in life through your brilliant lifes work as a poet, painter, cartoonist and writer.

To my precious daughter Amrita, without you the writing of this book would not have been possible. Thank you for teaching me so much about the importance of authentic and honest relationships.

My deepest thanks to all of my family, friends and loved ones for your nurturing presence in my life.

Chapter 1

Why gratitude?

He who has a why can endure any how...
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Im often asked in gratitude workshops why we would even bother to think about being grateful to our enemies. Why should we try to be friends with everyone, or to love every one of our workmates? Life just doesnt work like that. Besides, thats just being phony, right? Surely it makes more sense just to keep in our inner circle those we naturally gravitate to and feel comfortable with, and stay away from those we resent?

Im not arguing here that all relationships in our lives should have the same level of closeness or that we should attempt the impossible task of loving all people equally. What I am saying is that, whether we like it or not, we are always in relationship with others, and relationships in our lives really matter. We intuitively know this because of how much we suffer when they are not working - as I discovered with my mother. No matter how much we try to protect ourselves by pushing people away, if we are in a relationship that is unresolved or carries a lot of resentment, then deep in our subconscious it is very likely to be eating away at us.

This was the case for Sarah, who had recently moved into a flat to share with her friend Dave. Sarah and Dave had become very good mates at school and were part of a large friendship group who went everywhere together camping, clubbing, eating out, and so on. The differences between them in terms of values and habits only surfaced when they moved into the flat. Sarah quite a neat, sensitive and careful person was the opposite to Dave. An art student, he was protective of his free spirit and need for lots of flexibility to express his creativity. In the past this had been something Sarah loved about him, but living with it was quite a different story. Dave would rebel against any routine as he tried to avoid committing to doing anything at a particular time. To keep Sarah happy, he said yes to the roster Sarah tried to introduce to keep the house clean and in order, but was half-hearted both in his agreement and in doing the tasks.

Things were coming to a head when Sarah struggled with the rubbish bins three weeks in a row, a task Dave had next to his name on their supposedly agreed-upon roster. When she was at the shops buying toilet paper for the fifth time in as many weeks, she was furious. She found herself getting upset in the shower one morning because of the mould in the corner that Dave had promised he would get rid of weeks ago. This was exacerbated by the fact that he had been late with his share of the rent twice. Sarah felt used and disrespected. What frustrated her most was that Dave seemed to be oblivious to the pain he was causing her. Over time, Sarah felt herself becoming cold, indifferent and withdrawn. She was also very sad that, for her, their friendship had soured.

Dave was completely oblivious to all this. A big-picture person who didnt notice or care much about details, he just didnt think these things were such a big deal. For him, what was important was that they were sharing a flat, eating together and having conversations about what had happened that day. Dave thought that Sarahs stress was just because she was studying hard for her university exams.

Sarah, on the other hand, was having trouble sleeping, going over all the details of what Dave didnt do that he had said he would do, and fretting about how to bring it up with him so that it didnt damage the relationship or cause him to think less of her. She was paranoid that if she upset Dave, the news of their conflict would spread to their friendship group. As they all adored Dave, she feared they would take his side and see her as too pedantic, a clean freak, or controlling.

Eventually Sarah tried to bring up her grievances with Dave, but she was too nervous and tongue-tied to do so successfully. She was anxious that her carefully prepared speech would go wrong. After a few more weeks of barely tolerating the situation, she decided it was time to move out so that she could regain her peace of mind and get on with her studies.

Was there another way through the conflict that didnt involve Sarah having to give up her flat, and her friendship with Dave and possibly with their wider group?

Sarahs father had started to implement gratitude as a practice with his work team after attending one of my workshops, a few months before Sarah came to him in tears about her dilemma. As he started to rave about how much his gratitude had helped him feel more positive in his workplace, enthusiastically telling Sarah how it might help her situation with Dave, Sarah looked at him with horror. Gratitude? Are you kidding? Hadnt he heard a word she had said about how disrespected and furious she felt? How could he possibly think that she could just put all this aside and be grateful to Dave?

Sarah was absolutely right. As mentioned, it never works to try to replace resentment with gratitude. What she needed in that moment was for her pain to be acknowledged. She also needed a strong reason to even contemplate gratitude as a way forward. Any comment from a third party in that moment needed to speak to Sarahs world, to make sense in the context of what she was dealing with. It wasnt enough that gratitude had worked in anothers world in this case, her fathers.

Its certainly easier to see the relevance of gratitude in situations where its natural or relatively easy to be spontaneously thankful. Gratitude helps you feel enlivened when you are taking in a beautiful sunrise. It helps you to have a more restful sleep if you write down what you are grateful for at the end of your day. A lot of contemporary research is showing us that gratitude enhances our physical and emotional wellbeing. However, finding the sense in looking for gratitude when you feel another person has hurt you can be very tough. Society wouldnt blame you for not even trying, or for walking away and banishing that relationship completely from your life as Sarah was about to do.