Lisa Leonard - Be You: 20 Ways to Embrace Who You Really Are

I grew up in a conservative Christian family in Orange County, California. I was one of seven children. With a tender heart and a desire to love others, I believed from a young age the most important thing about me was how I related to other people. I married a pastor who became a businessperson. Our first son, David, was born in 2002 with profound special needs. Matthias followed eighteen months later. I had dreamed of being a wife and mom since I was a little girl, so I poured my heart into creating a beautiful home and loving our boys. Perfection was the goal, and anything less was failure. Deep down, I questioned my value. If I was a good wife and mom, I was worthy of love. I could earn the right to take up space in the world. This fear of being unlovable drove my intense desire to love and serve. I loved my family, I wanted to serve my family, but I also needed to prove my worth. I was using good things in the wrong way. I was defensive anytime I made a mistake. I was tired and overwhelmed. My to-do list was never ending. I felt there werent enough to-dos in the whole world that would make me lovable. I was already lovable, and I was already worthy, but I couldnt see it. I couldnt feel it.

I tried and tried to be good enough. I smiled when I felt sad, not wanting to inconvenience anyone with my feelings. When asked my preference, I shrugged, hoping it would simplify things if I didnt have an opinion. I tried to be needless and wantless. I slowly lost myself until I felt desperate and empty. Something had to change. I had to change.

It took time. It was messy. We went through a marriage crisis. We rebuilt our marriage with new rhythms, new ways of communicating. I stopped doing a lot of things and made space to think, feel, and just be alone with myself. I journaled and walked and napped. I grieved. Slowly I began to find myself again. I could feel my heart beating. I could think my own thoughts. I could sort through my own feelingseven the harder ones. I began to say what I wanted and neededeven if it was an inconvenience. I was beginning to see myself as a real person. Our marriage was made up of two people, and I was one of them. Our family was made up of four people, and I was one of them. I counted. I mattered. I needed to be me. It was hard and messy and the struggle was worth it. As I am learning to be me, I am able to love and serve others from a place of wholeness instead of trying to earn their love to fill a hole. I make mistakes, and I am able to see my imperfections, and I recognize I am still loved and worthy with all my flaws. As this truth roots itself deeply in my heart, it opens up space for me to have room for other peoples imperfections. We are imperfect peopleand even in that place, we reflect the image of God. We are lovable. We are worthy. The God of the universe says so! In that place of honesty and weakness, I have found strength. As I have opened myself to feeling pain, I have found healing. As I have experienced the hard emotions of sadness and anger, I have made room for joy.

Perhaps you can relate to my journey. If you have questioned your worth and wondered deep down if youre lovable, then youre in the right place.

You matter.

You being you matters.

You were created to be you.

You are allowed to be you.

Lets explore togetherfinding our way to the truest, most beautiful part of youyour spark. Lets find our way to that deep knowing inside youyour soul, so very precious and loved by God.

Be you.

Be who you really are.

Even though its messy,

complicated,

imperfect,

inconvenient.

Being you will enable you to love others better.

Being you will bring a fullness to you and those around you.

Being you wont be easy, but the journey will bring more peace and joy.

Being you is brave.

This is heart work.

This is soul work.

This is the most important work.

This is your work.

The world needs you to be you. The world needs you to be the person God created you to benothing more, nothing less. You.

Walk with me, and together well dig deep, push past fears, overcome darkness, and find something amazing: you. Step-by-step, day by day, each page of this book will help you on your journey to embracing who you really are. Youin all your messy, imperfect amazingness. Are you ready? Lets go.

I sat across the table from my dear friend, tears streaming down my face. I dont know whats wrong with me, I said, trying to regain my composure. The kids are healthy. I have an incredible husband. We have a beautiful home. Our business is thriving. I should be grateful, I should be joyful, but I feel miserable, empty, alone. I feel like nobody cares about me. What about my needs? Day after day I do the dishes, change the diapers, tidy the house, return the e-mails, take care of everyone. Im tired. I need more than a nap, more than a pedicure once a month.

I tried so hard for so long to be the person I thought I was supposed to be. I tried to be selfless and set aside my own needs and wants. I tried to be happy when I felt sad, and patient when I felt angry. I tried to serve othersdo more, be more. Wasnt that what love was? Serving others and being selfless? Wasnt that what a good wife and mom didkeep everything working smoothly, make everyone happy? Didnt all these things prove I was good at what I was responsible for? Didnt all these things prove I was worth loving?

I hoped I could find order, and in that order find safety, and in that safety find love. But I never found love there. With each smile, I was losing myself. With each yes, I was disappearing a little. With each half-truth I was putting up a wall between me and those I loved. Eventually I ended up empty and desperate. I felt disconnected from my kids, my friends, my husbandthe very people I so desperately wanted to connect with. Instead of order, everything seemed chaotic. Instead of safety, everything felt unstable. Instead of love, I felt loneliness. Instead of freedom, I felt weighed down. I was building a house of cards, and one small breeze would blow the whole thing over. I was losing my spark, lost in a fog of pleasing other people. My intentions were good, but here I was, in a coffee shop, with tears streaming down my face.