Scott A. Sorensen - Fart Dictionary

Everybody farts, even movie stars. Did you know Johnny Depp and Jennifer Aniston both own fart machines? True story. Benjamin Franklin even wrote a book titled Fart Proudly. Wasnt he a forefather of our country? He took time out of his busy political career to write a fart book. Makes you think, huh? I guess that makes him a fore-fart-father of the U.S.A.

The average human farts fourteen times per day, which equates to over 105 billion farts spanning our globe daily. Chances are someone near you just sent a gift in your general direction. Weve all experienced the same old fart jokes, antics, and social discomforts. Society has compelled us to hide our most basic instincts, but farting is a human necessity we all have in common. So, readers, the next time you fart, or bear witness to one, take note of your surroundings, purpose, or social inconvenience. Label it, as Ive done in this Fart Dictionary. From A to Z, theres something for everyone.

abandoned fart: a fart left to be enjoyed by others; i.e. elevator exit, crowded room, or your supervisors office.

abducted fart: a fart thats claimed by someone other than the farter.

Abraham Lincoln fart: a fart released by the orator during an important speech.

absorbed fart: a fart captured by surrounding clothing that has no chance of making it into the atmosphere, most common at Chicago Bears football games in December.

abstract fart: a fart that leaves remnants resembling a Picasso.

accurate fart: a fart aimed and delivered on target in the direction of a predetermined location or individual.

acute fart: a fart with high tone and precision, not to be confused with a cute fart delivered by a newborn.

air-raid fart: a fart so disgusting you need to warn others immediately.

albacore fart: a fart with the faint aroma of tuna, most commonly found in small delicatessens on the outskirts of South Florida retirement villages.

alley fart: a fart delivered at the precise moment one releases the bowling ball for a strike (not to be confused with the alley-oops fart, which only results in a spare).

ammo fart: a fart youve saved as a defensive weapon against other farters in your immediate fart zone.

amplified fart: a fart enhanced in sound level by a microphone (most common at late-night bachelorette karaoke parties in metropolitan Japan).

anarchic fart: a fart purposely emitted during a presidential speech.

animal Control fart: a fart that smells like a baboon has escaped the zoo and taken refuge somewhere in your house.

animated fart: a fart enhanced by the lifting of a leg, a curtsy, or a quick, gleeful dance.

anonymous fart: a fart of unknown origin when theres no dog in the immediate vicinity.

anterior fart: a fart that rises up the front of your pants as opposed to the rear. (Note: Check the tightness of your underwear without delay.)

antihistamine fart: a fart that miraculously cures the itchy rash on your rear.

anxious fart: a fart that causes the farter an extreme level of stress at the thought of what the fart may have left in their britches.

apple fart: a fart that keeps the doctor away.

Arctic-exploration fart: a fart expelled while walking your girlfriends bladder-shy Pekingese in subzero weather.

argument fart: a fart that replaces getting the last word in during a disagreement.

artisan fart: any fart discharged by one who is recognized by his or her friends as a master farter.

ask-me fart: a fart delivered in response to a stupid question.

assault fart: a fart used as an offensive weapon during a fart attack. Or, the first fart with intention to start a fart war.

at-bat fart: a fart purposely left at home plate for a near-sighted umpire.

auto-graft fart: a fart so physically disruptive, it feels like your sphincter has been displaced.

babys-breath fart: a fart soft and shy in tone, and lacking any aroma whatsoever.

bad-blood fart: a fart most common at family reunions where the farter has no concern for another family members immediate airspace.

bait-and-switch fart: a fart often used by furniture salesmen to get the customer to move on to a more expensive item.

bandwagon fart: a fart with such instant popularity that everyone joins in, and it soon turns into a fart festival.

banister fart: a fart delivered at the bottom of a flight of stairs, but which eventually ends up in your sisters upstairs bedroom.

baptism-of-fire fart: a deplorable fart launched at the newest member of your weekly poker game.