Mark Manson - Models by Mark Manson - Study Guide

MODELS

PART I: REALITY

CHAPTER 1

Non-Neediness

• A mans attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average.
• Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others perceptions of him than his own perception of himself.
• Neediness is a feeling, intuited by women. It is instinctual.
• Narcissistic men, who only care about themselves, will end up in relationships sometimes, but only with narcissistic and shallow women.
• Developing non-neediness requires one to move their yardstick for success from external goals (more dates, more sex) to internal goals (better relationships, more emotional fulfillment, overall happiness).

The Seduction Process

• Status is based on behavior and not simply assets.
• Seduction is the process by which a man induces a woman to become as invested in him as he is in her.

• There are two ways for seduction to occur, either a man creates the perception that he is far less invested in a woman than he actually is (neediness disguised as non-neediness), or a man is actually less invested in a woman (genuine non-neediness).
• The first method is performance. The second method is a passive process that permeates every aspect of his behavior in the long term.

• Learning techniques and pick-up lines without doing genuine, identity-level work in order to permanently decrease your neediness ends up only being a band-aid solution.
• Take a moment to consider that before meeting a woman, instead of worrying whether or not she will like you, you could wonder if you will like her. That instead of feeling the need to impress her, you could wonder if she impresses you. That instead of sitting there silently wondering what to say next to make her like you, you could sit there silently wondering what she will say to make you like her. That instead of waiting around for her to call, you could find something else to do while she waits for your call. That instead of worrying if youre tall enough or good-looking enough or skinny enough, you could decide whether theyre too superficial to recognize your great qualities. That instead of trying to come up with the perfect date, you could decide that a woman who really likes you for you doesnt need a perfect date. That instead of looking for a conversation shell enjoy, you could ta lk about something you enjoy and see if she takes interest. That instead of looking for her approval, you could decide whether or not to give yours. That instead of getting upset about why she doesnt want to be with you, you could decide that it means you probably wouldnt want to be with her.
• Change yourself to become what you want to be, not what you think women want you to be.

Narcissism and Overcompensation

• Narcissism in a relationship is built on the idea of always being dominant and in control. It is a nebulous mixture of selfishness, assertiveness, and domination that is achieved not by investing more in oneself, but by minimizing the importance of others.
• Narcissism is focusing on your own wants and desires to the point of imposing them onto others.

CHAPTER 2

Power in Vulnerability

• Vulnerability can mean putting yourself in a position where you could be rejected.
• Connecting to women by being vulnerable, as opposed to performance or narcissism, will result in some of the best interactions and relationships of your life.
• Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because youre a bigger and stronger man.

The Pain Period

• When starting a new habit, there is always a pain period, the period of greatest resistance and discomfort. You cant skip it; the only way out is through it.
• A non-needy man is comfortable showing his flaws because hes more comfortable with how he feels about himself than how others feel about him.
• Everything you say must be as authentic as possible. You say it because you mean it and you mean it because you say it. The more nervous it makes you the better, because it means youre being authentic and making yourself vulnerable.

CHAPTER 3

The Gift of Truth

• Regardless of what you say to a woman, the intention and implications of why you were saying it are far more powerful than the words themselves.

The Truth is Always Shining Through

• Women are quite intuitive when it comes to emotions, motivations, and social cues.
• Vulnerability requires honesty, and honesty only works if its given unconditionally, with no strings attached. Everything you say and do must be done without ulterior motive. You are simply expressing your thoughts and feelings as they come to you, without inhibition, without shame.
• A man with an attractive and interesting lifestyle, a man with high standards for himself and the relationships in his life, will take the time to get to know an attractive woman before soliciting her with gifts. He will wait until he feels strongly enough to give her a compliment. And if he talks to her and discovers that there is little that is interesting about her beyond her looks, then he will lose interest.
• The truth is only the truth when it is given as a gift when nothing is expected in return. When you tell a girl she is beautiful, you should say it without expecting anything in return. Whether she rejects, or falls in love with you, is not important in that moment. Whats important is expressing your feelings to her in that moment.
• When a compliment comes from a man seeking nothing in return, its a gift of truth, a piece of his vulnerability and infinitely more powerful as a result.
• Beautiful women are complimented often and 99% of these complements are out of neediness. When a compliment is an honest gift, she recognizes and appreciates a man who genuinely appreciates her.
• Your intentions are speaking 10 times louder than your actual words. What are your intentions saying?

Setting Boundaries

• When youre willing to cut a woman off and tell her when you feel that shes out of line, when youre willing to a tell a woman what you will and will not tolerate in your life, this sub-communicates the most powerful elements of attraction to her.
• If a beautiful woman says something that a needy man finds offensive, hell ignore it, change the subject, or withhold his true feelings. A non-needy man will tell her what she just said was offensive. He will simply draw a line in the sand and she will choose to step across it or not.
• If you make it clear from the beginning that you are unwilling to put up with games, then not only will women you attract stop playing games, but youll stop attracting women who do.
• Your ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are.
• In order to form strong boundaries, you need to be particularly aware of your own desires and emotions.

Finding Your Truth

• Its important to look at the reasons youre over-invested around women and have an honest discussion with yourself about it to try and resolve it.
• Seeking the truth within yourself is a long-term process.

Friction and Projection

• There are two main reasons that prevent attracted women from being with you, and they are both quite common: friction and projection.
• Friction is when a woman finds you to be an attractive man, but there are value differences or external circumstances that prevent her from acting on that attraction or being interested in you. Friction can be religious, cultural, or simply due to poor logistics. There is typically at least a little bit of friction in any interaction. Youre never going to like 100% of any woman, and no woman is going to like 100% of you.