Baker - Pucker Up: the New and Naughty Guide to Being Great in Bed

TRISTAN TAORMINO

for Red

I am so thankful to my original editor, Tia Maggini, who worked her butt off on the book; her diligent readings of the manuscript and insightful suggestions were invaluable to the final product. Publisher Judith Regan, senior editor Dana Albarella, and everyone at ReganBooks supported me with advice, ideas, and plenty of encouragement. Fish created the unique illustrations which bring my words to life, and I feel blessed to collaborate with such a talented artist again. Richard Mitchell worked his incredible magic when he took the inspired cover photo, and makeup artist Tatijana Suljic-Shoan made me glamorous. Kudos too to art director Ron de la Pea for his fabulous cover design. Thanks to my agent, Andrew Blauner, for all his hard work (and for Friday night phone calls!). He continues to be an unflinching advocate, champion, and friend to me, which I appreciate more than he probably knows.

I have learned something from every editor I have ever worked with, but, most recently, I owe a debt of gratitude to my editor at The Village Voice, Doug Simmons, whose guidance has deeply influenced my sex writing. Felice Newman, Frdrique Delacoste, Don Weise, and everyone at Cleis Press were there when it all began. Claire Potter was a great teacher. There are dozens of sexperts and pioneers whove come before me and whose work has had a tremendous influence on my own, and some must be named: Kim Airs, Joani Blank, Susie Bright, Fairy Butch, Patrick Califia-Rice, Rebecca Chalker, Betty Dodson, Heather Findlay, Nina Hartley, Bert Herrman, Robert Lawrence, FetishDiva Midori, Jack Morin, Carol Queen, Anne Seamans, Annie Sprinkle, Debi Sundahl, and Cathy Winks. Gene Trent of Blue Door Video generously lent me countless adult videos to watch for this book and never complained when I returned them late.

Rachel Kramer Bussel has contributed her time, energy, hard work, friendship, and wonderful spirit to me and to this project, especially in pulling together the Resource Guide. All the babes (past, present, and future) of Toys in Babeland (especially Alicia, Rachel, and Tova) inspire me with their enthusiasm and dedication to improving the sex lives of people everywhere. Owner Claire Cavanah gave me the best job in the world and lavishes unbelievable amounts of support on me. My gratitude to all the sex-toy-store owners who have hosted my workshops, and everyone who attended them, especially those brave enough to ask me a question. Thanks to my fans (you know who you are)you keep me up when I am down.

Without the support of the people closest to me, I couldnt do any of it. My assistant, Michelle Cronk, makes it all happen smoothly. Jill, Marisa, and Dr. Y keep me healthy. My family and friends love me, listen to me, and spoil me: Toni Amato (the best big brother in the world), Morgan Dunbar (since the very beginning), Mario Grillo (God bless America), Sarah Jones (an expert in many fields), Stan Kent (guardian angel), Ira Levine (kindred perverted spirit), Audrey Prins-Patt (queen of the clitoris), Winston Wilde (daddy and sexologist rolled into one), Mom and Dad (who got me here). Mom and Rachel, thanks for help with the title.

And finally to Red, my partner, my love. You are in this book on every page, and more importantly, in my heart always.

I peddled dildos for a living, and it changed my life. As a salesperson at the women-owned sex-toy shop Toys in Babeland in New York City, I actually sold more than rubber dongs and silicone cocks. The shelves are filled with products designed for pleasurevibrators, lubricants, condoms, butt plugs, massage oils, leather harnesses, paddles, anal beads, blindfolds, nipple clamps, latex gloves, and adult videos. But the store offers something else that is perhaps more valuable than even the most expensive toys: honest, useful information and advice about sexuality.

Every day I worked there, dozens of ordinary folks walked through the door looking for what we had inside. Their searches almost always began with a question. Most of them were complete strangers, and yet they told me things about themselves that were extremely personal and deeply intimate. Their revelations were sometimes moving, sometimes surprising, and always fascinating.

A been-there-done-that rocker chick strutted toward me one day, all pierced and tattooed, and I was sure she was headed for the S/M section at the back of the store; instead, she said, Im here to buy my first vibrator. A middle-aged stockbroker, who looked out of place next to a table of colorful anal toys, took an hour to summon the nerve to tell me he wanted a penis pump and a book on tantric sex. A city bus driver, still in uniform and just off work, came in with his wife; they meandered around the store, speaking in whispers to each other, then approached me. She looked at her feet shyly, and he did all the talking. They wanted a strap-on dildo for her to do him in the ass. I figured out pretty quickly that I could never assume anything about anyones sex life by simply looking at the person.

I also learned to be as neutral and objective as possible when hearing peoples concerns, queries, and individual situations. I needed to listen without bias or judgment. I needed to leave behind my own sexual preferences and preoccupations in order to meet my customers where they stood at the moment. Across boundaries of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, age, ability, and education, I had to listen and respond to some very important issues, problems, and desires. I usually left work feeling less like a retail clerk and more like a sex therapist.

Feeling like a sex therapist was somewhat familiar to me. After my first book, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, was published in 1998, I needed a unique way to promote it. As you can imagine, it did not exactly lend itself to the traditional book reading. Most bookstores werent clamoring to create a huge poster of the cover, put it in the window, and announce a book signing by me. It was no Chicken Soup for Your Ass, even if I thought it was. Distributors were concerned that people would be too embarrassed to even buy it because of its taboo topic. It was only the second book ever devoted to this particular sexual subject, and I believed it was an important and necessary one. I wanted so much to spread the word about the ecstatic possibilities of anal sex. I decided to embark on a mission to teach the world how to have safe and pleasurable anal sex; in the process, if I sold some books, that would be a bonus. I traveled around the country teaching workshops in order to replace some of the mythsand misconceptions about this forbidden act with facts and specific information.

My workshops were an opportunity to talk about sex in an honest, straightforward, down-to-earth way. For some of my students, an anal-sex class was their first opportunity to have a frank discussion about anything sexual. For others, it was a chance to be in a room full of like-minded people who validated their own desires, desires they may have kept hidden for a long time. Some even told me that it had been a life-affirming and life-changing event. Empowering people to get in touch with their assesand their sexuality in generalwas my goal. But in the process of teaching, I found that I was learning not just about the sex lives of individuals, but about the state of sex in our culture.