Byrne - Fake It More Than 100 Shortcuts Every Woman Needs to Know

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Okay, but did you know it also takes a village (and possibly a few Village People) to raise the sagging skin from an aging celebritys neck? Well, it does. In fact, Ive long suspected that for every flawless celebrity body part, there is a massive team of underlings working tirelessly, like chic elves, to fight that body parts natural inclination to look awful. Theres probably a whole committee on Rene Zellwegers eyes (Okay, team! This week were really going for squint-free and fully open, people!), an entire corporate structure built around Madonnas frightening arms, and a fully licensed company called Janice Dickinsons Entire Head, Inc. (not to be confused with Janice Dickinsons Career, Inc., which has gone out of business). Also, Im pretty sure that movie My Left Foot was all about how Daniel Day-Lewis and his cosmetics team got that gnarly appendage to look camera-ready.

Celebrities have employees whose sole jobs are to tuck, hoover, squeeze, buff, bronze, polish, inject, straighten, curl, transplant, lift, graft, laser, electrocute, and tease until the essential body parts are tormented into looking normal, even pleasant.

This, of course, puts those of us without unionized butt or abs workers at a distinct disadvantage. We sit in front of our lonely TVs and think that if we just tried harderexfoliated more vigorously, did hotter yoga, or purged fasterwe might be able to coax all of our poor, tired parts to look decent at the same time. All of this, while actually cleaning our own houses? Please!

So, consider this section a strategic plan for each of your uncooperative body parts, courtesy of the industrious village of Faketown, USA. You might not want to live here, but its a helpful place to visit!

Ugh, the burdensome task of washing your hair! The last time you tried to do it, it literally took all night. If only you didnt have to lather/rinse/repeat in that horrible endless cycle until your fingertips were chafed raw and youd used up a jumbo-sized bottle of shampoo. You were hoping the whole thing would be less depressing if you used the No More Tears brand, but you still ended up sobbing into your loofa in despair, clutching your washcloth with bloodied fingers. What a ripoff!

In any case, its been over a week since you last embarked on that dreaded hair-washing chore, and its really starting to show. Your hair looks like limp, stringy straw, and is so slick with oil that Red Cross volunteers seem to be rinsing ducks theyve rescued from your head (aw, its so heartwarming once the little ducks are all clean and fuzzy again!).

But dont worrytheres hope! All that oil that looks so gross right now? Its moisturizing your hair like natures leave-in conditionerfor free. So when you wash it next, all of those people who were calling you Greased Lightning will have to step back and bask in the splendor of your shiny, lustrous hair. In the meantime, though, your hair is becoming so slick that its picking up ladies at bars. You need a fake, fast!

The most obvious solution for dirty hair would be to slap a lid on that stuff: a hat, a bandanna, a dunce cap, whatever. It depends on the situation, obviously, and if youre attending a weekend sporting event outside or its winter, youve hit the lottery. You can put on a winter hat and be done with it. If its summer and youre headed to an outdoor date, put on a pretty bandanna or headband. If its Monday and you have to give a presentation to your bosses, a dunce cap is customary (what, your boss doesnt make you wear one, too?). A braid, an up-do, or even parting your hair in a slightly different place can also make your head look less greasetastic.

Dry shampoos or hair powders are an excellent way to fake clean hair and stop the oil slick. These products usually come as a powder or a light, quick-drying spray, and youll need to comb it through your hair evenly. Dry shampoos absorb the oil and create the illusion of fastidious hygiene even as you ponder the idea of offering your hair as an alternate fuel source. One thing to keep in mind is that these products often have a matte effect, so your hair might look a bit on the dull side, but of course, dull is the opposite of glistening with oil, right? If you really feel like you need shiny hair for a specific reason, you can look for an additional spray to add shine (some hair powder labels include recommendations for shine products). Or, instead of mattifying, degreasing, and then artificially re-shining your hair, another option at this point would be just to go ahead and wash that mess already. Just saying!