Carloto - Flux

For
the ones who taught me how to be
a better lover and an even better writer.

My Dearest Reader,
Falling hopelessly in love is one magical adventure, but falling out is one seldom spoken. Ive been in the type of love that sweeps you off your feet to the type of heartbreak that makes you feel as though youve lost a limb. But if there is anything that Ive learned from each of them, its that theyre all different. Each and every heartbreak Ive experienced so far in my life has come from different people, different situations, and a whole different kind of love. And, to me, thats the beauty of romance. Falling in all sorts of mad ways. Thats where the birth of Flux came into play.
I wrote these words from my many states of grief, showing the good, the bad, and the ugly within my head. I wrote these words during the darkest pits of my depression, when the monsters were louder than my own consciousness. I wrote these words when the one thing I feared the most (change) was becoming my reality. I wrote these words with a flashlight, an inked pen, and an old Moleskine under my cotton duvet. I wrote these words for him, but he never appreciated them. I wrote these words for her, but I was too afraid to admit it. I wrote these words in hopes that they would heal.
I wrote these words for me, but now I want these words for you.

So here I am, one year on and deeply and madly in love with the woman whom Ive become. And if perhaps I am a better person today than I was when I was hurt, it is because of them.
Flux is best read with a cup of warm coffee in hand.
Indulge in these words as if they were meant for you.

All of my love,

Orion. x

Flux, n.

The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change.
Our feelings for each other change. Our bearings change.
The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of
the shower changes.
Accept this. We must accept this.

The Lovers Dictionary, David Levithan

Sometimes things must break

in order for the wishes
weve longed for the most

to come true.

we were inseparable lovers, both holding on tightly to the ends of wishbones.
it wasnt until you broke it off and ran away did i realize that, maybe,
this is exactly how it was supposed to happen.

you wrote dont forget on your arm, Flatsound.

Crashing Cosmos

We met on an early autumn afternoon talking over earl grey and vanilla coffee. As if the gold and amber skies werent enough to make me fall in love, the way your eyes crashed like cosmos in the night sky into mine certainly would do the trick. Defining a feeling like this is nearly impossible by words.
A moment I wish I could savor forever, capturing it raw and storing it in a tiny silver box on my bedside table. Luckily for me, I dont have to do that. Because this feeling is very much present,
every time you come around.

Delusional
Nostalgia clouded
in thoughts
for a love
that never
existed.

An Affair with Uninvited Feelings
We spent our summer
forgetting one anothers
touch,
but as winter
rolled around,
we were only reminded
of the warmth we shared
in each others arms.

Tainted
You asked me
to point out
exactly where
you hurt me,
yet
you had my hands
tied behind my back.

things were unhealthy between us that summer; thats all i could remember.
im unable to trace back the times where you ever made me feel safe;
its all just blurry to me now. without going into the painful
details of it all, lets just say that i learned to block out that time
in my life. your character was deceiving and it began reflecting.

its been years since;
i hope youve changed.

Ghosted
Last night,
I was drunk
on your
words.
This morning,
I am hungover
on your
silence.

Flesh and Bone

His words cut the deepest wounds into my fragile flesh.
My vulnerability of attempting to clean up the blood was only
failed by missed calls and fits of unbearable confusion.
A sever far too deep, leaving my bones exposed
that not even a stitch could heal the wound.
He walked away with my questions left unanswered and a
consciousness filled to the brim with ache and insecurities.
If you asked him how he felt, hed probably look away in fear
of exposing any emotion. A coward hidden beneath his layers too
afraid to convince, even himself, that its okay to

mourn.
He was always 5 steps ahead of me,
dreaming of the next place he could be.
And while I tried running as fast
as I could to catch up,
hanging on to the little breath that I had,
I always stayed behind,
rag in hand,
cleaning up the blood.

Daydreaming

I kissed him once,

for desire,

and, twice,

to forget.
Somehow,
I still tasted
you.

Gray Matter

Ive gone mad.

Its been 26 days since youve said goodbye, yet you continue to lurk
within every existing corner of my mind. I tried convincing myself
that with each passing day it would become easier, but at no chance
has it ever. Its been 26 days without hearing your voice; you havent
even called to check up. Ive ripped at my hair, drove my palms deep
into the sockets of my eyes, thrashed my temples
over
and over
and over
again
and youre still there.
Skin now embedded underneath the tips of my fingernails from

digging into my cheeks just to get you out from underneath.

Day-old bruises resting soft upon my neck from the bones of my fingers attempting to grasp a better understanding as to why you thought this would help us.

Ive howled at walls until my screams grew empty:

its an unbearable loss,

an unknown despair.

What have you done to us, my dear?
What have
you done
to me?

you are a dream and i dont want to wake up.

Running

How dare you
have the confidence to say
I love you more
when my weary vessel aches
from trying to run after you.

Character Development

Progress is dancing to the same song I used to cry to.

Your Girl

I crave to be the one you want,
photograph me in black and white.
Run your fingers through my hair,
tease me with a bite.
Tell me Im your midnight muse,
write about me when youre alone.
Whisper to me all your secrets,
feel me in your bones.
Pick me up and read me,
like Im your favorite book.
Reach inside my darkest thoughts,
until the very nook.
I wanted you beneath my arms,
the night you talked about committing,
I clenched my fists and begged to help,
but to you I wasnt fitting.