Kirsch - The girls guide: getting the hang of your whole complicated, unpredictable, impossibly amazing life

Revised Second Edition

Melissa Kirsch

Illustrations by Julia Rothman

Workman Publishing New York

for Emma Pearl Wilkinson

Heres a conversation I have pretty much every day

Guy: What do you do?

Me: Im writing a book for women in their 20s.

Guy (suddenly very interested): Oooh, is it about sex?

Me: Um, no. I mean, yeah, sure, its about sex. But its also about a trillion other things like

Guy: So what can you tell me?

Me: About what?

Guy: You know, about women in their 20s, what do I need to know? I like women in their 20s.

Me: Im not writing a dating manual.

Guy: Then what else is there to write about?

Well, actually quite a bit.

Theres this asinine rumor going around that the majority of our time is spent teetering about in stilettos, trying not to spill our very pink cocktails on our very tight frocks, lest we embarrass ourselves adorably in front of the smoldering hunk smiling at us over on the banquette.

You and I both know theres little truth in that tableau outside of a romantic comedy. But for all the complexity of our lives, insulting stereotypes persist. There seems to be no end to knowing aunts, cheeky advice columnists, and plucky sitcom heroines peddling conflicting messages about how you can survive and thrive during your quarterlife odyssey. But somewhere between the overplayed you go girl! cheering and the outdated find a mate and settle down guidance, the important questions arent being answered. How do you say no without feeling guilty? Where can you find a bra that fits? Why do some of your friends turn into paper dolls when theyre around potential mates? Should you take Dry Clean Only tags seriously? What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Girl, meet World. World, play nicely. Oh, if only it were that simple!

I started working on this book when I was 27, working as an editor for a womens media company. Every week, books for review would arrive on my desk, each marketed squarely at me. These glittering tomes had witty titles and flashy covers that promised to explain how to snare a man, how to order a cocktail, how to land that corner office before I turned 30. Most of these guides to life bored me to pink-bubble-letter distractionthey proffered little more than retrograde flirting tactics and shopworn clichs. I wearied of saying, I could do this so much better and decided it was time I did.

My first order of business was to contact all the wise, brilliant, hilarious women I knew in their late 20s, 30s, and 40s and ask them: What do you know now that you wish youd known right after college and in your 20s that would have made your life a lot less difficult, spared you heartache, generally made the transition to life on your own a heck of a lot easier? What do you still not know that you wish someone would tell you?

The results of my poll were staggering. All the responses were enthusiastic, passionate, and soul-searching. Certain subjects came up repeatedlyit seems not one of the women had been given solid advice about how to avoid debt or how to unleash herself from the yoke of her college major. The women described still not knowing how to apologize with grace, what to spend on wedding presents, how to explain their job and dating choices to their parents, or how to find a good gynecologist. All the women expressed a desire for a cheat sheet, a volume of intelligence that would have helped them avoid a lot of the mishaps they encountered in their 20s. The urgent need for meaningful, compelling advice for young women was cast in bold relief. I had my work cut out for me.

In this book, youll find all the wisdom that I gleaned from that first, innocent queryplus all the additional juicy, hilarious, scary, real stuff I discovered once I set out to put together a colossal cheat sheet to a womans 20s and 30s. When I couldnt figure out the answers for myself, I sought the know-how of experts in different fields; youll find counsel from these physicians, psychotherapists, a nutritionist, sex advice mavens, a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine, a real estate agent, an image consultant, and lots of momsall of whom pop up in different chapters throughout the book. For example, every time you see a box titled A Quick Chat with the Therapist, well hear one of our resident psychotherapists take on the subject at hand.

I also checked in again with my cohort of wise women. For every chapter, I carried on extensive surveys, wrangled small focus groups, and conducted one-on-one interviews with about 100 women, from age 22 on up. What emerged was a collaborative effort, some hard-and-fast factual stuff, some opinions and philosophizing, and lots of different voices, discussions, and options. Any time I had more to say on a particular topic but had to move on, there are suggestions of books and websites and apps to check out for deeper investigation. Youll also find an extensive resource list at the back of the book.

Six years after the original publication of The Girls Guide, I began work on an updated version. The first edition came out at the tail end of 2006, before Twitter was really a thing, before student loan debt hit the trillion-dollar mark, before smartphones or Obamacare or selfies or Netflix streaming or Girls even existed. A lot has changed since 2006, much of it having to do with technologyit seems insane to think there was a time before social media ruled our every thought, but it wasnt that long ago. In rewriting the book you now hold in your hands, not only did I enlist a whole new crop of women in their 20s and 30s to be my advisors on everything from fitness apps to Facebook etiquette, I went through every inch of the original, rethinking and revising, updating every last bit of the book to address the wondrous and complicated world we live in now.

Given the pace of technology, its very likely some of the info in the book will go out of dateI saw it happen with the first edition, and its sure to happen again. Ill be updating the electronic version periodically so it stays current, and if you have any burning questions, you can always find me on Twitter @melissakirsch .

Some of what you find in here you may already know. You might disagree with a few things here and there. Thats all very fine by meif anyone were to swallow every piece of advice in this book wholesale, Id doubt her sanity. Id also beg her to stop because if theres one thing Ive learned in all my experience writing both the original and the updated editions of this book, its that all the advice in the world isnt going to do you a whit of good if you dont, ultimately, make up your own mind, if you dont think for yourself. Thats it, my best piece of advice. Wait, could I have just written three measly words and youd be good to go? Okay, fine, theres a little more to it than thatabout a million pages worth. But take whats here with a grain of salttake it with a giant, deer-size salt lickprocess it, then decide for yourself how youre going to live your life.

This is the book I wish someone had given me when I finished college. Or when I got my first job. Or when I turned 30. Im glad that someone had the good sense to give it to you (or you brilliantly plucked it off the shelf of your local bookstore). Your 20s are so frequently treated as the waiting room to the rest of your life. But why should you wither away in anticipation of real life beginning? To hell with putting Baby in a corneryouve got a lot of living to do! Good luck. Im here if you need me.