Hutcherson - Pleasure

Table of Contents

This book would not have been possible without the support of many people.

Thanks to the following writers, physicians, and friends for their assistance, comments, and expert advice: Sharon Boone; Monique Brown; Anette Candido; Robert Corbellini; Sharon Grotevant; Rachel Grumman; Cynthia Henderson; Gerald Hoke, M.D.; Synitra Hutcherson; Nancy Jasper, M.D.; Elana Katz, M.S.W.; Dawn Kum Walks; Amy Levine; Roger Lobo, M.D.; Barbara Miller; JoAnn Perrino; Gene Pope; Ridwan Shabsigh, M.D.; Holly Taylor; and my students at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, who cheered me on.

My sincere thanks to Tamara Jeffries, a very gifted writer and editor, who was always available to read, comment, and advise.

Thank you to my incredible agent of ten years, Carla Glasser, and my talented illustrator, Judith Cummins. A million thanks to my fabulous editor, Marian Lizzi, for her unwavering support and encouragement.

And, as always, a special thank-you to my husband, Fredric Fabiano, and my children, Lauren, Steven, Andrew, and Freddie. Thank you for your understanding and love.

A final thank-you to the thousands of women to whom I have had the honor of speaking in the last few years. Thank you for your stories and for sharing your wisdom. Thank you for allowing me to be a member of the sisterhood.

Great sex. It makes us feel good physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I believe its what every woman and man deserves. Besides all the obvious reasons to love intimate, satisfying sexand to define it and seek it out for ourselvestheres now evidence that it can even prolong our lives. A recent study published in the British Medical Journal found that men who had frequent orgasms had half the risk of dying from heart disease and other causes than men with fewer orgasms. Satisfying sex decreases stress and anxiety, improves sleep, and just plain makes you feel good and alive. In other words, it puts a smile on your face.

In the years since publication of my first book, What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x, I have traveled the country speaking to women about the importance of mutually satisfying sex. On these trips as well as in my practice as a gynecologist and in my work as a contributing editor and columnist for Glamour and Essence magazines, I get hundreds of questions from women about sex and sexual health. I wrote What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x because so many women had questions about their own sexual anatomy and sexual technique. Some women I encountered admitted to having only the most basic, perfunctory information about sex even though many had been having sex for years. That first book provided the basic information about plumbing and positions, and answered some fundamental questions. But once wed covered that ground, I discovered that women still craved more information.

While many women across America are having plenty of sex, many arent experiencing the level of pleasure theyd like to feel. They want sex thats more than just the union of two bodies. They want to come away from the experience feeling satisfied, glowing with contentment. They want to experience a more complete sense of pleasure, not just good sex but great, satisfying sex. And as Ive listened to thousands of women who have shared their stories with me, one thing always intrigued me: The definition and experience of pleasure of every one of these women are different.

Many women have written to me and expressed feelings of sexual inadequacy. Most of these feelings stem from the tremendous pressure that women feel to perform in bed. Theyre not comfortable unless their bodies look a certain way. They feel they should be having orgasmsbetter yet, multiple orgasmsevery time. They feel theyre supposed to know every position, every technique, and every trick that will make their partner climb the walls. When the sexual experience does not measure up to this ideal, some womenor their partnersare left feeling unfulfilled and inadequate.

My message is this: Pleasure is not about performance and goals. How can you have the joyful experience of pleasure if youre judging yourself, worrying about your partner, or counting orgasms? Pleasure comes when youre relaxed, when youre comfortable with yourself and your partner, and with what youre doing together. Pleasure is exciting and exhilarating. Its thrilling. And its as individual as you are. There is no one right way to achieve pleasure. You define your own pleasurehopefully for yourselfand seek it out and enjoy it to the fullest.

This book has been written to give you steps on the pathway to pleasure. The first step is to become an authority on your own body. That means learning, and appreciating, all of your unique body parts and how they work. Only when you learn to love and honor your genitals and the rest of your body will you be able to abandon yourself to the erotic sensationsemotional and physicalof sex. When you feel good about your physical self, you can throw off the covers, turn on the lights, and gaze into your partners eyes as your bodies join in ecstasy.

You deserve, and should feel entitled to, sexual pleasure. Many of us have not reached our sexual potential because we are not sure what exactly we want or need to be sexually satisfied. Too often we wait for our partners to provide us with just the right stimulation, the magic touch. You must take responsibility for your own pleasure. In order to achieve the sex that you deserve, you must go on a journey of self-discovery. It is essential that you explore and identify what makes you feel good. Once you discover what turns you on, you must feel deserving enough to share that information with your partner. After all, most of our partners really do want to know what makes us happy. In my travels, many men have asked me to tell them what women really want in bed. Communication with your partner is one of the most important keys to sexual satisfaction. In Part II, I provide instructions on how to become confident in your sexuality, discover what you want, and communicate those desires to your partner.

To have the ultimate sexual experience, you must allow yourself to accept as well as give pleasure. As women, we often find it much easier to give than to receive. We are much more comfortable in our roles as caregivers, taking care of someone elses needs. Relaxing, receiving, and letting go may be the most difficult part of sex for some of us. In Part III, I present steps to take on your journey to becoming a woman who is free and open to receiving pleasure.

Sexual techniques and skills are importantand more than 150 tips and techniques are provided in Part IIIbut sex is more than two bodies going through a series of positions and movements. The emotional experience of sex is equally important. For many women, closeness, intimacy, and spiritual connection are the most satisfying aspects of sex. Each person brings unique feelings and emotions to the encounter. Understanding your feelings as well as those of your partner increases the intimacy and spiritual connection that elevates good sex to great sex. In this book, I discuss the psychological and emotional components that may affect the sexual experience for men and women.