GAME OF BUTTS
The Pounds Of Winter
By Chuck Tingle
I cant believe that after all this time, the fighting and bloodshed could finally be over for good. It sounds like a wild fever dream with no bearing in reality, and maybe its better that I keep it there for now, but its hard not to be excited by the prospect. The turmoil in these lands has taken from everyone; families destroyed and kingdoms extinguished, never to rise again. Even my own father has fallen to the endless fighting.
By now, there are only two kingdoms left that matter, the Storks and the Terrygrins, and thankfully we have found peace between us. It was not easy, and for a moment I truly thought that the battles and bloodshed would start all over again, but there is nothing that joins two forces more profoundly than a common enemy, and a common enemy is what we now have.
When I was younger, I always assumed that the ice butts were a thing of legend, frozen rumps from beyond the north wall who exist somewhere between the land of the living and the dead. It seemed like such a ridiculous thing to believe in, the very concept of such strange supernatural forces making most men scoff in dismissal, until they see them with their own eyes.
Ive gazed upon the ice butts myself, saw a toned rump floating through the northern woods at night on scouting patrol, and Im lucky enough to have lived to tell the tale.
Fortunately, my armies have been able to do some scouting in return, and weve learned that the ice butts are preparing an attack early tomorrow morning. We will be ready, and with the Stork and Terrygrin forces combined, we just might have a chance of survival.
Captain Bon Snope, comes a voice from outside my tent. Dani Terrygrin is here to see you.
Its late in the evening now and I need my rest, but I know better than to deny a last minute strategic talk with my most important ally.
Coming, I call out, rising from my sleeping cot and putting on my warmest fur coat. Theres a great chill in the air, as is typical on the night before a battle as deadly as this is sure to be.
I walk over to the tent flap and open it up, dismissing the guard as I step out to greet Dani.
My companion smiles and nods, her long blond hair flowing in the chilly night air. A word? she asks.
You have my full attention, I assure Dani.
The two of us begin to scroll with one another through the camp, soldiers still preparing all around us as massive bonfires blaze for warmth and light. There are men and women sharpening swords and preparing their crossbows, ready to fight to the death in the name of the kingdom.
Ive been thinking a lot about tomorrow, Dani tells me. I have nothing but belief in our soldiers, but Im afraid the Butt King must be confronted head on if we would like to see another day. He is the power behind these forces, the one who is animating these haunting, icy butts.
I take a deep breath, considering my companions words. Im afraid she might be right, and Ive had the idea of confronting the Butt King myself, but it all just seemed too difficult to even consider. It would be great to just sneak up north across enemy lines on my own and slay the Butt King, but there are thousands of ice butts blocking my path.
I believe in this strategy, I explain. I think that its a good one, I would love to stop this dark magic at its source, but I dont know how. If there was a way to get me up there then I would gladly go with my own sword and shield; but as it is now, my presence is needed here.
There might be a way, Dani offers. I only through of it this evening, but I think it might work.
My eyebrows rise. What is it?
We dont know much about the Butt King, other than the fact he is a magically inclined T-Rex and handsome as hell, she explains. He would be impossible to find if it werent for one thing Dragons are just T-Rexs with wings.
Suddenly, it hits me. How could we have not seen this sooner?
Dani is an incredible natural leader to her people, but this innate sense of management is not the only thing that she retains strict control over; she also controls a dragon. In battle, this will obviously give us a powerful advantage over our sentient butt foes as they float across the battlefield with swords raised, but now a more subtle and roguish plan has been made abundantly clear.
Because my dragon and this Tyrannosaurus Butt King are so similar, I believe shell be able to track the Butt Kings scent and bring you directly to him, Dani explains. It will have to be fast, however, as the dragon will need to be back before the start of battle. If were going to make an attempt, then it must happen right now.
I dont hesitate for a second. Im ready, I say. I just need to grab my armor and my sword.
Dani smiles and then puts two fingers into her mouth, whistling loudly. Immediately, a massive dark shape bursts up out of the forest, flapping its wings loudly as the powerful gusts of air move across us. The reptilian creature floats over and then lands softly as Dani lovingly rubs the dragons head.
Time is running short, Dani reminds me.
I nod and head back towards my tent, throwing open the flap and gathering my things. Its not long before Im ready to go, now clad in my full plate armor and brandishing a massive two-handed broadsword.
When I approach Dani and the dragon again, the creature lowers its head towards me.
Shell find the Butt King, Dani insists, but its up to you to slay him.
I nod in understanding. The Butt King is a powerful foe, and while it would be wonderful to go up against him with a ferocious dragon by my side, we cannot risk this powerful creature not making his return to the battlefield by morning.
This mission is on me, and me alone.
I swing my leg over the dragons lowered head and barely have a chance to arrange myself before the massive beast is taking off into the air, erupting away from the ground with a power unlike anything Ive ever felt. As I wrap my arms tightly around the dragons neck, I can see his nostrils flair, picking up some kind of provocative scent from far, far away.
Soon enough, we are soaring over the forests and hills below, the distant peaks of the northern mountains looming large in the distance. The night is dark, so despite our enormous size we remain hidden from the ice butts below, troops gathering for tomorrow mornings ferocious battle.
My heart is pounding hard within my chest, now reconsidering whether or not this was a good idea. Once this dragon drops me off and heads back home there is no escape. I will either defeat the Butt King, or I will never return and the war will rage on without me.
Strangely, this thought actually provides me with a minor sense of relief. While Im not thrilled about the prospect of death, at least this endless fighting will finally be over in one way or another.
Eventually, we reach the side of the icy mountains, finding a jagged cliff side where the dragon perches and lowers her neck.
Looks like this is the place.
I climb down off of the massive beast and jump to the ground, which is now covered with a good half inch of white snow. My breath visibly puffs in the air before me.
Thank you, I say, turning around to face the dragon. If the Butt King is here, then I will find him.
Before I can even finish my sentence, however, the massive reptile erupts from the ground once more, swooping down along the cliff and then pulling up at the last second. The creature flaps its broad wings as it disappears into the night.
Now I am all alone.
I draw my sword, holding it out before me as I make my away along the cliff. This area is covered in massive boulders and shattered, rocky crags, a maze that I slowly wind my way through. I have no idea if the Butt King truly is nearby, but theres no question that the air here carries a powerful sense of foreboding and darkness.
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