Table of Contents
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the many courageous women and men who openly shared their experiences in the hopes that others might receive the help and support they need. Im grateful for the privilege of serving as a witness to your journey through such difficult places. I have learned much from you. I also dedicate this to my husband who is the bravest man I know, and my daughters who are my delight. Ultimately, this work is dedicated to the glory of God; He is the one who can make all things new.
Barbara Steffens, Ph.D.
To my mother, Rusti Eloise Farnworth, who rolled up her sleeves and helped me in practical ways; who listed as I dealt with my own trauma and grieved my painful losses; and who continues to be my biggest fan and my prayer warrior extraordinaire. Lord, what will I do without her when you take her home?
Marsha Means, MA
Authors Note
This book is based on our research, a thorough study of the available literature and experience counseling patients, as well as our clients own real life experiences. Fictitious identities and names have been given to certain characters in this book in order to protect individual privacy and some characters are composites. For purposes of simplifying usage, the pronouns his/her and s/he are sometimes used interchangeably.
The information contained herein is not meant to be a substitute for professional evaluation and therapy.
Introduction
Unlike most books written for partners of sex addicts, this book is not written to help you understand the addict and his or her addiction. Rather, it is written to help you survive, recover and thrive, no matter what your partner does with his or her addiction.
Another distinct difference separates this book from others written for partners of sex addicts: Nowhere between these covers will you encounter information that automatically labels you a co-addict or a codependent. And nowhere will we tell you that you have a co-addiction, simply because you married a person you have since discovered struggles with sexual addiction.
These terms are often automatically used to label you by those who believe that you, along with your partner, have a problem or even an addiction from which you need to recover simply because you chose your partner in the first place. In past sex addiction literature, if partners of sex addicts compulsively check up on their spouses, become emotionally numb, feel anger or rage, placate their partners or isolate themselves, among a long list of other behaviors, many view them as showing signs of their own addictive tendencies and loss of self.
Nevertheless, we categorize your pain, confusion, distress, reactions and fear as natural responses to trauma. As the authors of this book, our deepest desire is to help you understand how you have been wounded and most likely traumatized so that you can bravely begin to heal. After years of experience and research, we believe that healing the pain from the trauma provides the shortest route to emotional and physical health and wholeness. We know many of you will comment, Finally, someone is saying what Ive intuitively known all along!
We hope that, in time, these observations will empower and equip professionals hoping to provide alternate ways to understand and aid you in processing your pain so they can help you completely heal from its effect in your life. While not all partners of sex addicts are female, most of those who seek help are women married to male sex addicts. Little research exists that focuses on the male partner of a female sex addict. We believe that the material and suggestions found in these pages will help, encourage and bring healing to both men and women who are so deeply affected by the reality of sex addiction in their spouses. Even as we write, other mental health professionals incorporate Barbaras study on the relationship of trauma and sexual addiction into their Web sites and practices. We believe that true hope, help and change will come, though it may come slowly.
In the meantime, information is power and we hope this information will empower you to recognize your needs and find help to heal your ongoing pain so that you can once again experience true joy in your life. This is our prayer for you.
PART I
WHEN YOUR PARTNERS SEXUAL ADDICTION SHATTERS YOUR WORLD
Chapter 1
What is Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress?
The deep relational trauma Katherine experienced in her relationship with her husband is evident in her story.
Sitting there on the narrow staircase with a blanket wrapped around me, I couldnt stop shaking. The sergeant and a female officer had just spent an hour and a half grilling me about my husband, Neil.
Unable to move, I listened as they repeated the whole process with my seventeen-year-old son. Only moments before he had returned from band practice and walked into this bizarre scene. Numb, I heard my son asking the same questions I had.
How is any of this possible?
If this is true, wouldnt I have seen it?
Why cant I stop shaking like this?
The sergeant and five others arrived to our home at 8:00 P.M., April 1. Ironically, April Fools Day. I thought it was a prank at firsta cruel prankbut as three of the officers began to scour our home computers as the sergeant and the female officer focused on me, I realized they werent joking. I took my youngest son to his room and turned up his television set.
My husband had been missing for twenty-four hours. He was on his way home from a business trip, but he never showed up.
Your husband was arrested as he entered the country, the sergeant said. Hes been charged with possession of child pornography and hes in jail.
He was relentless as he began to grill me. As time went on, I think he must have realized I was going into shock and attempted to be gentler, but it didnt change anything. What he saidwhat I heard about my husbandwas not gentle.
The female officer never said anything. She just kept watching me, never taking her eyes off of me. Watching me intently.
I felt myself dissociating from reality. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, as if I was observing the whole scene, rather than participating in it. But mostly I was numb. Cold and numb.
What will this do to my children? I kept wondering. My two older kids were on their way to the house only to be told news about their father that was going to devastate them. They needed to know, but what was I going to say? How could I break the news that their father was in custody?
Eventually, the officers left. I went to bed, but I couldnt sleep, even though I was exhausted; more tired than Ive ever been. I curled up in a ball and cried and prayed all night. I couldnt think. I just cried and prayed.
Neils actions wounded Katherine deeply and left emotional scarsscars she must integrate into her life if she wants to completely heal from the experience.
Although trauma and post-traumatic stress have been recognized as common occurrences in the human experience for over a century, the acknowledgment of relational trauma evolved later as researchers began to note the extreme emotional pain and psychological damage we experience when betrayed or victimized by someone close.
