Lancaster - Welcome to the United States of Anxiety

PRAISE FOR JEN LANCASTER

If laughter is a great tonic for the spirit, then Jen Lancaster... is a double dose.

USA Today

Falling somewhere between David Sedaris and Laurie Notaro, Lancasters goofy charm will no doubt continue to win fans, as well as influence the next generation of sardonic, winning, self-effacing memoirists.

Publishers Weekly

[Jen Lancaster is] like that friend who always says what youre thinkingjust 1,000 times funnier.

People

[With] a wicked sense of humor, [Lancaster] adds just the right amount of sweetness to counteract the bitter.

New York Post

Youll revel in the lessons she gleans from her travails.

Redbook

Scathingly witty.

Boston Herald

OTHER TITLES BY JEN LANCASTER

NONFICTION

Bitter Is the New Black

Bright Lights, Big Ass

Such a Pretty Fat

Pretty in Plaid

My Fair Lazy

Jeneration X

The Tao of Martha

I Regret Nothing

Stories Id Tell in Bars

FICTION

If You Were Here

Here I Go Again

Twisted Sisters

The Best of Enemies

By the Numbers

The Gatekeepers

Text copyright 2020 by Jen Lancaster

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Published by Little A, New York

www.apub.com

Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Little A are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.

ISBN-13: 9781542007948 (hardcover)

ISBN-10: 1542007941 (hardcover)

ISBN-13: 9781542007924 (paperback)

ISBN-10: 1542007925 (paperback)

Cover design and interior illustrations by Philip Pascuzzo

First edition

For Paige McDaniel, Joanna Clarke, and Community Partners of Dallas, for your tireless work... and the greatest day of my life!

CONTENTS

The short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops that we have created are destroying how society worksno civil discourse, no cooperation, misinformation, mistruth.

Chamath Palihapitiya,

former Facebook VP of user growth

Dont worry, be happy.

Bobby McFerrin

LETTER FROM THE AUTHOR

March 21, 2020

As I was finishing the final edits on this book, everything in our country changed.

Im polishing this work under a statewide lockdown because of COVID-19. I havent left my home in more than a week, and the only person Ive seen is my husbandunless you count the handful of delivery drivers Ive spied from the window as they drop off our orders and scatter. During this crisis, Ive discovered that I would thrive under house arrest. So theres that.

My hope is that when this book comes out in October, were a nation of healthy and happy hand-washers. In a perfect future world, well have become rule-followers, blessed with limitless compassion and serious immunity. This best-case scenario in my mind allows us to gain appreciation for what we briefly lost during this uncertain timeand mourn the people who have passed. I imagine a highlight reel of Americans coming together and helping our communities; I envision us with full employment and a whole new batch of Bravo Housewives. I prefer to not envision the worst-case scenario.

Outside of staying inside, washing my hands, and waving heartfelt thanks to the delivery people and postal workers who are keeping us fed, sane, and functioning, I cant assist much with the pandemic panic this country is feeling. Its so early on in this moment, and the advice is evolving every day. However, I can invite you to join me as I uncover all that we dont need to fret about... from a socially appropriate distance, of course.

PART I

ONE NATION, UNDER STRESS

Maslows Hierarchy:

psychologys gold standard of categorizing and ranking our human needs.

ANXIETIES UNBOUND

M y greatest takeaway from my college years on the ivy-covered grounds of Purdue University, the divine truth that revealed itself as I pored over volumes written by the worlds most profound minds, was that I hated waitressing.

The portmanteau hangry didnt randomly become part of our lexicon; it speaks to our most primal, basic urge. Peckish diners lizard brains perceived the feckless waitress as standing between themselves and imminent starvation/death, so it often got ugly when I forgot the extra salad dressing.

My burning desire to exit apron-based employment propelled me to get my shit together and graduate after eleven years of study. I ended up with a bachelors degree in political science, but thats beside the point. Any degree was a ticket out of the service economy back in the 1990s. That tickets not exactly still valid; its not lost on me that every barista at my local coffee shop has a masters degree in classics and, unlike me, knows the difference between further and farther. But back in the 90s, the assurance of that piece of paper was solid.

Though Ive not taken anyones drink order in a quarter of a century, in my stress dreams Im always sweating through my oxford shirt and poorly tied tie, deep in the weeds, having been triple seated with eight tops, thanks to a clueless seventeen-year-old hostess. The bartenders taking forever to mix a single Rusty Nail because Sergey Brin hasnt yet invented Google. Empty plates are stacked tall as skyscrapers on the tables, which is confusing. Why would a party of four dirty up twenty-three plates apiece, even if I were serving tapas? Theres no busboy in sight.

When I finally wake myself up, my hearts pounding and my stomachs knotted. I have so much adrenaline coursing through my system that further farther further sleep is impossible.

Ive experienced much higher stakes in the past few decades, but none have felt as anxiety provoking as waiting tables.

I came to understand that I couldnt hold a job catering to peoples most basic needs; the stress of it would eventually destroy me.

So it behooved me to understand the landscape of human needs, if only to avoid the terrifying responsibility. The basic needs concept comes from psychologist Abraham Maslow. In 1943, Maslow theorized that people are motivated by an escalating series of needs. In 1954, he organized those needs into categories and called the whole shebang Maslows Hierarchy, leading me to believe that one of Maslows needs was to slap his name on things. Admittedly, I cant find a source that says he intentionally named it after himself, but who could blame him if he did? He created a clear picture of what drives the human race, and presented it in a clever format that would go on to look terrific on generations of slide decks, so he deserves the credit.

I cant state this clearly enough: basic needs are a bitch and a huge anxiety trigger. In my adult professional life, Ive done everything from negotiating multimillion-dollar contracts with humorless hospital administrators to being interviewed by Charlie Rose on national television, yet what still wakes me up in a panic is that damn forgotten side of ranch dressing.

Over the past few years, my anxiety levels have skyrocketed. My waitressing dreams have become so frequent that my concealer can barely keep up, and Im already using the industrial stuff that can cover tattoos. This is it; Ive reached the end of cosmeceutical science.