Mark Salamon - Does It Hurt When I Do This?: An Irreverent Guide to Understanding Injury Prevention and Rehabilitation

Mark Salamon is a physical therapist with twenty-five years of experience teaching young athletes, middle-aged weekend warriors, workers injured on the job, and senior citizens how to restore their lives after injuries or surgeries. He earned a bachelors in mechanical engineering from the University of Maryland in 1987, and a masters in physical therapy from Temple University in 1995. He honed his sense of humor by raising three daughters with his wife, Melissa, and has published more than sixty humorous articles in publications such as The Haven and The Scene and Heard. He was named a top writer in satire on Medium, and has helped more than twenty thousand patients decrease their anxiety and frustration by making them laugh.

I would like to sincerely thank all three readers who hung in there all the way to the end of this book. I apologize if you were looking for some basic first aid treatments for traumatic injuries involving broken bones. I would recommend going to the emergency room, but its probably too late.

I would also like to apologize to all the physicians out there for making fun of your waiting room times. I assure you I was only kidding around. I did try to make up for this by recommending approximately four hundred times that people go to see their doctors. So, youre welcome.

Thank you to the thousands of patients who have shared their personal struggles and trusted me with their care. The opportunity to play a small part in so many lives has been a gift. Special thanks to Frank Ward for teaching me the meaning of determination and for letting me tell his story.

Thank you to all of the doctors, therapists, and other clinicians of many different disciplines who have worked with me over the years. I have learned more from you than from any book or journal.

Special thanks to my friends Matt Algeo, Bob Costello, and Susan Henderson, all accomplished authors who were more generous with their time and advice than I ever would have expected.

Huge thanks to my agent, Deborah Hofmann, for believing in this book and taking a chance on a first-time author. Her expertise, judgment, stamina, encouragement, sense of humor, and many, many hours of work helped me transform this book from an amateur first try into a literary masterpiece.

Thank you to my parents, Attila and Shirley Salamon, for having me, and for telling me how great this book was even after the first draft, which was pretty awful.

And above all, thanks to my wife, Melissa, and my daughters, Hannah, Katrina, and Kyra, for putting up with my constant dad jokes and for helping me bring this project to fruition.

I hope this book helped you understand the basics and improve your physical therapy experience. If you are interested in learning more details, keep an eye out for my future books. I will cover more specific injuries and techniques, including a new method for performing your own total knee replacement in the privacy of your own home using nothing but a set of Ginsu knives and a Dremel tool.

Until then, keep smiling.

S ince we have already established that you hate exercise, Im going to assume that you dont have a universal exercise machine or a set of Olympic weights in your basement. Thats fine. You do not need any of those things. There is one thing I will ask you to invest in: a gallon jug of water that you will use as a weight. As the weeks and months go by, strength training will cause an uncontrollable urge to check yourself out, so you may also want to invest in a full-length mirror.

This routine consists of three exercises that cover all of the major muscle groups. Perform the routine two times per week, never two days in a row.

Assume the position shown at a sturdy coffee table or couch. Pull the gallon of water up to your waist using a slow, controlled rowing motion, then lower the same way. Do not swing the weight or twist your body. Perform as many as you can, rest for about fifteen seconds, and repeat on the other side. Repeat this cycle until you have performed four sets on each side.

If you cannot perform at least ten on your first set, the weight is too heavy, so pour some of the water out. If you can perform fifty easily, look around for something heavier to use, or stop being so cheap and invest in some weights.

Rest for about one minute, then progress to the next exercise.

With your back straight, stomach tight, and feet shoulder width apart, squat down and then back up using a slow, controlled motion. Hold your arms straight out in front for balance. Do not bend your knees more than 90 degrees. Slowly do as many as you can using good form. Rest for about thirty seconds, then repeat. Do this until you have performed four sets.

It is okay for your heels to come up off the floor if this is more comfortable. It is also okay for your knees to come forward. You may hear some physical therapists warn that moving your knees forward will damage your knees. This is a myth that has not been supported by research. Rest for about one minute, then progress to the next exercise.

Assume the push-up position with your hands a little wider than shoulder width apart. Perform a slow, controlled push-up, keeping your head up and lightly touching your chest to the floor. If you cant do ten, or even one, do them on your knees instead of your toes. Do as many as you can slowly with good form. Rest for about thirty seconds, then repeat. Do this until you have performed four sets.

You will probably be sore for the first few days. This is normal. If the soreness is severe, wait until it subsides before working out again. As always, stop if you feel sharp or severe pain. Proper diet and hydration are even more important during this stage than any other time.

Adjust this routine based on your fitness level. If four sets are too difficult, start with one or two sets. Increase the rest time between sets if necessary. Listen to your body.

When this routine becomes easy, you are ready to progress to the Jumbo Crossfit P90 XXX Suicide Bomber Edition workout.