Greg Behrendt - Hes Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Acknowledgments

There are a few people whom without their involvement this book would never have come to be. First and foremost, we must thank all the supremely talented inhabitants of the writers room of Sex and the City. They are: Cindy Chupack, Jenny Bicks, Amy B. Harris, Julia Sweeney, Julie Rottenberg, Elisa Zuritsky (who together wrote the amazing episode that first brought the Hes just not that into you message to the world), and of course, our brilliant leader, Michael Patrick King. Much love and deepest gratitude goes to all of them for their support, generosity, and superhuman funniness.

We would like to thank all those who facilitated this crazy book idea right from the start. They are John Melfi, Sarah Condon, Richard Oren, and everyone else who pitched in to help at HBO. Super agent and friend Greg Cavic at ICM got the whole ball rolling, and big thanks to Julie James for moving it all along when necessary. Our deepest gratitude goes to our book agent, Andy Barzvi, who was the first person to take this book to heart, and then managed to sell the hell out of it. Many thanks to our editor, Patrick Price, who has never been anything less than a gentleman and a scholar.

Thank you to the men and women who filled out our questionnaires, told us stories, asked us questions, and kept us honest. We thank all our friends and families for their enthusiastic encouragement, particularly Shirley Tuccillo and Kristen Behrendt.

Last but not least, we must thank Amiira Ruotola Behrendt, whose collaboration, passion, humor, talent, love, and extraordinarily foxy great example, made this book rock.

Note to the Reader

The stories you will read in this book are illustrative examples, not based on specific events or people. No matter what anyone might think, they are not transparent attempts to publicly mock our friends, enemies, or exes.

(However, were not going to say the thought didnt cross our minds.) Greg and Liz

Introduction by Liz

It started out just like any other day. We were all working in the writers room of Sex and the City, talking, pitching ideas, our personal love lives weaving in and out of the fictional lives we were creating in the room. And just like on any other day, one of the women on staff asked for feedback on a the behavior of a man whom she liked. He was giving her mixed messagesshe was confused. We were happy to pitch in and pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions. And just like on any other day, after much analysis and debate, we concluded that she was fabulous, he must be scared, hes never met a woman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time. But on this day, we had a male consultant in the roomsomeone who comes in a couple of times a week to give feedback on story lines and gives a great straight-male perspective: Greg Behrendt. On this day, Greg listened intently to the story and our reactions, and then said to the woman in question, Listen, it sounds like hes just not that into you.

We were shocked, appalled, amused, horrified, and above all, intrigued. We sensed immediately that this man might be speaking the truth. A truth that we, in our combined hundred years of dating experience, had never considered, and definitely never considered saying out loud. Okay, he might have a point, we reluctantly agreed. But Greg couldnt possibly understand my very busy and complicated possible future husband. Soon we went around the room, Greg, the all-knowing Buddha, listening to story after mixed-message story. We had excuses for all these men, from broken dialing fingers to difficult childhoods. In the end, one by one, they were shot down by Gregs powerful silver bullet. Greg made us see, after an enormous amount of effort, that if a (sane) guy really likes you, there aint nothing thats going to get in his way. And if hes not sane, why would you want him? He could back it up too: He had years of playing the field, being the bad boy, being the good boy, and then finally falling in love and marrying a really fantastic woman.

A collective epiphany burst forth in the room, and for me in particular. All these years Id been complaining about men and their mixed messages; now I saw they werent mixed messages at all. I was the one that was mixed up. Because the fact was, these men had simply not been that into me.

Now, at first glance it seems that this should have been demoralizing to us, it should have sent us all into a tailspin. Yet the opposite was true. Knowledge is power, and more importantly, knowledge saves us time. I realized that from that day forward I would be spared hours and hours of waiting by the phone, hours and hours of obsessing with my girlfriends, hours and hours of just hoping his mixed messages really meant Im in love with you and want to be with you. Greg reminded us that we were all beautiful, smart, funny women, and we shouldnt be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isnt calling us. As Greg put it, we shouldnt waste the pretty.

Its hard. Were taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume youre the rule, not the exception. Its intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know its not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why theyre behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation thats the truth: Hes just not that into me.

Thats why weve included questions from women taken from real situations. They represent the basic excuses we all use that keep us in situations far longer than we should be. So read, enjoy, and hopefully learn from other womens confusion. And above all, if the guy youre dating doesnt seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start figuring him out, please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.

Introduction by Greg

So Im sitting in the writers room at Sex and the City pondering my good fortune to be the only straight male on the predominantly female writing staff (actually Im just eating a cookie), when the writers begin talking about guys theyre seeing. This is a common occurrence, as it is part of the writing process for a show that explores romantic relationships. It is endlessly fascinating. I know that sounds sarcastic, but Im being for real.

So on this particular day, one of the ladies pipes up with, Greg, youre a guy. She is very observant, this one, for I am indeed a guy. Then she says, So Ive been seeing this guy. Well, I think I have. I know the answer. See, we went to a movie and it was great. I mean he didnt hold my hand, but thats cool. I dont like to hold hands. Still know the answer. But afterward he kissed me in the parking lot. So I asked if he wanted to come over, but he had a really important meeting in the morning so he didnt come over. Cmon. Are you kidding me? Know it!