Ellen Fein - The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work

Copyright 2001 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

All rights reserved.

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

Warner Books, Inc.

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

A Time Warner Company

First eBook Edition: November 2007

The Warner Books name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

ISBN: 978-0-446-53591-5

Book design by Giorgetta Bell McRee

Also by the Authors

THE RULES

THE RULES DATING JOURNAL

THE RULES NOTE CARDS

THE RULES II

Why We Wrote
The Rules for Marriage

H ave you ever wondered why some women are happily married while others are not, why some are content and others are constantly fighting with their spouses and feeling miserable? The truth is, marriage isnt easy. If it were, 50 percent of marriages wouldnt end in divorce. Why are some marriages less successful than others? Success takes work. You might not want to hear this, but no one wanted to believe you had to work to get a man to propose eitherbefore The Rulesand lets face it, you do. So if you are willing to work hard to get a man, we think youll agree its worth some effort to keep him. Thats why we came up with The Rules for Marriage.

Do these rules apply to you? Well, do any of these problems sound familiar?

When we were dating, we did interesting things all the time. Now that were married, his idea of fun is sitting on the couch, eating potato chips and watching TV.

I want children now. He wants to wait a few years. His ex-girlfriend still calls every once in a while and sends him birthday cards. How do I deal with this?

I like sex in the morning, he likes it at night.

I love him, but not his parents.

I resent the fact that I make more money than he does; I think he resents it, too.

These are problems many of our readers shared with us so weve done a great deal of research on how to solve themin some cases, by avoiding them in the first place. The Rules for Marriage gives you answers to these problems and more.

When we wrote The Rules in 1995, we studied what worked and didnt work in dating. We noticed that women who acted hard to get got their man, while women who were too available or eager got hurt. We compiled thirty-five rules that helped women to be more of a challenge to men, such as dont talk to a man first and end the date first. As difficult as these rules were to do, they had to be followed strictly only for the first three or four months of the relationship. In many cases, it was best to do them until the man proposedbut after that time, you know hes committed, so you can relax a bit.

Marriage, on the other hand, is long-term. So The Rules for Marriage, while certainly not as strict as The Rules for dating, must be a way of life. The Rules for dating are like a short-term dietyou dont have sex with him and act mysterious for a few months to make him fall in love with you in the same way that you dont eat dessert for a few months so you can fit into your bathing suit for the summer. The Rules for Marriage, however, are like a lifelong maintenance plan. Anybody can lose twenty pounds, but how many keep it off? Lots of women know how to catch a man, but how many stay happily married? Our focus here is not on getting a man, but keeping him. This means doing what it takes to make him happy. This can be as basic as making him feel important, being considerate, a team player, and it can also mean doing a bit extramaking a conscious effort not to nag, or to be supportive of his ideas. All of this requires work.

Unfortunately and whether you accept it or not, most or all of the emotional work in a marriage must be done by you. It is not mutual. Proof: You are reading this book, not your husband. He is probably reading a thriller or a book about making more money in the stock market. We are not generalizing. This is just the way it is. In fact, your husband may not even like the fact that you are reading this book or talking to your friends or mother about your marital problems. Like most men, he does not like to talk to outsiders about his private life and believes that you should be able to solve your problems yourself or with him. So we dont recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it. Even if he agrees with most or all of our advice, he doesnt like to think that you have to read a book to learn how to deal with him.

Maybe your husband is different. Maybe you have one of those rare husbands who reads relationship books and puts a lot of thought into keeping your relationship strong. We salute youand himbut most women dont have that kind of husband and we are writing to most women.

The fact is, to be happily married, a woman sometimes needs to treat her husband like a client or customer whom she wants to keep happy (let him be right). Youre probably thinking, Why cant it be equal? Why doesnt he have to do all the things youre suggesting, like dont say the first mean word or make up first? Our answer: because thats the way it is. Men and women are different. Theyre different when theyre datingthe man must be the pursuerand theyre different when theyre marriedthe woman must do most of the emotional work in a relationship. We didnt make this upin fact, we would love to give you different advice, but these ideas are based on human nature, and like it or not, they work. So dont count on your husband doing his part; he may or may not. But he will respond in kind if you do yours. He will be happy and want to stay with you forever. As one newly married businesswoman who consulted with us for marital advice said, Men require so much work. Every woman has to work in a relationship with a man. Nothing is wrong with a woman if she needs these Rules for Marriage. Some women know a bit more about how to do it than others, but all of us need reminding.

So we present to you The Rules for Marriage. You will find some rules harder than others, you wont be perfect and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to make a beginning and keep trying. In no time, you will want to do The Rules for Marriage for no other reason than because they really work! Good luck!

Ellen and Sherrie

Note: Between the writing of this book and its publication, Ellen has separated from her husband. The lessons learned in working on this book have taught her the true value of a Rules marriage, and she is more committed to The Rules than ever. She thanks her readers for their support.

Relax During the
Engagement and Wedding

I deally, The Rules for Marriage begin before your wedding day. We believe once you get engaged, a wedding date should be setno endless engagements. When a man proposes, it should be with a ring and a wedding date within one year, not longer, unless you are young (under twenty-five years old), in which case a two-year engagement is fine. If your fianc is stalling on a wedding date, you may have to give him back the ring and move on.

Assuming you have a ring and a reasonable wedding date, what are the rules for the engagement period and wedding?

Every month we receive calls, letters, and e-mail saying, Thanks. Im so happy! But we also get letters like this one: Now that Im engaged, were fighting all the time. I feel him pulling back. Im acting needy. What should I do? Or like this one: How often should I see him now that Im engaged? Do I stick to the three-day-a-week rule and ten-minute phone calls?