Shannon Heth - Cinderella, You Bitch: Rescue Your Relationships from the Fairy-Tale Fantasy

Copyright 2022 by Shannon Heth and Beau Nelson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021915203

ISBN 978-1-63756-002-0 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63756-003-7 (EPUB)

Editor: Joanna Henry

Cover design and interior design: Morgan Krehbiel

Cover image: Photo 12/Alamy Stock Photo

Authors photo: Amanda Pratt

Published by Wonderwell in Los Angeles, CA

www.wonderwell.press

Distributed in the US by Publishers Group West and in Canada by Publishers Group Canada

For my mom, the most courageous woman I know.

SH

To Ella, Lauryn, and Dylan, my little heroines in training: Uncle Beau loves you.

And to my transformational teachers, Lynne Sheridan and Lisa Kalmin: I am forever grateful for the light you have shown me.

BN

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

FAIRY-TALE FUCKED

HELLO, SHANNON AND BEAU HERE. Were so glad youve picked up our book. Maybe you did so because you liked the title. No judgment; we like the title too. (Confession: sometimes we choose a bottle of wine because we like how pretty the label is.)

Cinderella, You Bitch is a title weve been joking about for years, while living through the ups and downs of romance, holding partners to impossible expectations, and clutching fast to our childhood dreams of finding true love. At some pointneither of us can remember whenthe idea that we could never be complete without our soulmate began to feel like a joke, one in which we had become the punchline. So, we began examining our own beliefs more carefully. For instance, why the fuck were we basing our ideas about love on ridiculous fairy-tale notions like love at first sight? (We wasted a lot of years waiting to lock eyes with some random on the train and just know.) And why did we believe that our lives would radically change for the better the moment we found The One?

We didnt know it at the time, but these questions were about to launch us onto a path of self-discovery that wed travel for years, and would ultimately lead to the creation of Cinderella, You Bitch.

Now, a quick shout-out to those of you who picked up the book because you didnt like the title. Maybe you were all like, Wait a minute! Why are you picking on my girl Cindy? What did she ever do besides bring joy to millions of children by representing hope, perseverance, and loveall while keeping a spotless house? Whats your problem with princesses?

Well, three things.

First, we have problems with princes too, so no worries.

Second, its totally fine if you love Cinderella, but...

Third, and this one may come as a shock: Cinderella isnt a real person.

Shes a concept. A construct. And a deeply flawed one at that.

Doesnt it seem strange to you that Cinderella had to appear rich, thin, and beautiful to get Prince Charmings attention? Also, he falls in love with her in an hour? Girl must have had her lashes on. Why else would he need to use her shoe to find her again? Dude couldnt recognize her without her makeup.

This story is dangerous. How so, you ask? Lets answer that with a little story of our own.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a smart, successful, strong woman. At work she was a #BossBitch, and outside of work she was surrounded by a circle of supportive, like-minded friends. Money? Lets just say, the shoes on her feetshe bought em; the clothes she was wearingshe bought em. Not to mention her vacays in the sunyeah, she bought them too. So, of course, she was perfectly happy, right?

Wrong.

Cause when our heroine looked in the mirror, she didnt see the kick-ass independent woman everyone else did; she only saw a sad-sack singleton. Shed stare at her reflection and think to herself: Why am I all alone? Why cant I find true love? If only there was someone to sweep me off my feet, to be my everything, then my life would be complete. But Ill never be enough...

Skkkkkrrrrrt!

We interrupt this story for an important observation:

Molly, you in danger, girl.

Not that we blame her. Shes clearly suffering from what we call Cinderella Syndrome. And shes not alone. Cinderella Syndrome is pervasive in North American culture and affects almost everyone to some degree. At its most basic, Cinderella Syndrome is a by-product of the most toxic fairy-tale fantasies that have wormed their way into our collective culture as truth. Were talking about the idea that the key to happiness is only found in romantic love and that there is only one person out there who will be your everything.

But wait, theres more!

Were also talking about the fantasy that this once-in-a-lifetime true love of yours will be so smitten with your perfection that he would die for you! And he will never, ever, let you down. And yes, we said he because thats part of the fairy-tale fantasy too: the story of true love can only look like the expression of heteronormative monogamy that culminates in marriage. The end.

And while we arent here to dispute the beauty, magic, and joy that can come from finding someone special, we are here to say that this fairy tale is making everyone sick. Even us.

We both suffered from Cinderella Syndrome, but its symptoms manifested very differently for each of us.

Lets start with Shannon.

Hi. Shannon here. Ive always been in love with the fantasy of love. I was lucky. I experienced plenty of love as a child from my parents, but what Im talking about is love from a romantic partner. I desperately wanted someone who desired me, was inspired by me, and would make any sacrifice to keep me because they would be lost without me. In short, I wanted to be the center of someones absolute adoration because I thought that was the pinnacle of love. (Pedestal, anyone?) I grew up seeing women being admired and rescued by men on film, and I wanted that IRL. It never occurred to me that love could offer something so much deeper, richer, and more profound.

As a result, I chose men who werent the right fit for me because I was sure I would win them over and make them love me (just like Cinderella did in that pretty little dress with those nice glass slippers), and that then theyd be sure to see how lucky they were to have me and Id feel fulfilled.

It didnt turn out well.

I married an artist and wanted to be his muse throughout our happily ever after. (We got divorced.) I fell for an author and thought I would be the person with whom he could have the deepest, most profound conversations. Turned out he just wasnt that into me. Over and over again it felt like my dream of true love conquering all just kept slipping through my fingers. Really, though, I just didnt understand love at all. At least until the day I took that step back to examine the fantasy that had been driving my love life. Thats when I began to realize that the validation I desired needed to come from within before I could be truly open to real, healthy love, and that the praise and adoration I was seeking was not a strength but a weakness, one that was preventing me from finding true connection. Truthfully, it took forty-three years, lots of therapy, and many, many real-talk sessions with Beau for me to start to recognize my patterns, identify the beliefs driving my behavior, and understand that I was chasing an out-of-control story with some pretty unrealistic expectationsa story that was holding me back from finding happiness in my relationships. Most important, I came to understand that the real source of true love was internal, not external.