Casey Beros - The Bad Girls Guide to Better: A stealth-help guide to getting your act together

Published in 2021 by Murdoch Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin

Copyright Casey Beros

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 92235 120 3 Australia

ISBN 978 1 91166 805 3 UK

eISBN 978 1 76106 186 8

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For Lala

Learn from the mistakes of others.

You cant live long enough to make them all yourself.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Hands up if youve ever done something youre not proud of, hurt someone you cared about, made a mistake, kept a secret or just plain fucked upand it made you feel bad about yourself. If I had five hands, they would all be in the air right now. Meand most people I know. And possibly you too.

For the longest time I thought I was the only one grappling with my bad side. Good me valued kindness, trust and respect, yet bad me gossiped, slept with (all of ) the wrong people and put others down under the guise of humour. The truth is, though, that we all act in ways that arent aligned with our values sometimes. Good people do bad things every day for a whole range of reasons. Sometimes the environment is bad, or the rules are bador we simply make a bad judgement call. We cheat, lie and steal. We hurt the people closest to us and complete strangers alike. But we dont do it because were awfulwe do it because were human.

It could be driven by lust, hunger, fury, boredom or because we just need a break from all of the thinking and striving and being and doing. Sometimes its because we need to push the boundaries, test our values and see what else is out there so we can stop asking, Is this it? A bit of bad is what breaks rules and makes new ones, and drives scientific progress, economic advancement and social change. Just ask Frida Kahlo, Amelia Earhart, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Coco Chanel, Malala Yousafzai or Elizabeth TaylorI mean, Liz was married eight times to seven men, because why the fuck not.

But heres the thing: the only person who gets to decide what is good or bad for you, is you. You decide if good and bad even exist, and if they do, how you define them. That definition will depend on many thingsyour culture, religion or spirituality, the state of the society into which you were born and how you were raised, as well as your influences and friendsand your take on it will change over time. The last thing this book is about is telling you not to be rebellious, empowered and independentI literally live for that shit. Instead, my aim is to help you question some of the more self-destructive patterns that might be holding you back, while still celebrating everything that is perfectly imperfect about you.

Heres why When I was growing up I felt like everyone else had it together, that I was the only one flailing around like an idiot. I was desperate to arrive at true adulthood: that magical place where you can afford Aesop hand soap and where you look, feel and behave better than ever because you know all the things. The place where life looks like you thought it would. But now I know that were all just doing our best to survive, while wondering if theres some magical life secret we havent been let in on. If only we could get our hands on it, surely it would throw open the door to our wildest dreams, truest love, most mind-blowing success and ultimate self-love, right? But we cant crack the code. And that, my friend, is because the code is bullshitit doesnt exist.

The truth is, you will never have it all together. Not after you read this book, or any book. We can pay every life/business/wellness coach, have shares in the self-help genre and stuff 57 steps into our morning routine, but we still wont be able to figure everything out. And were not supposed to, because once we do, the game is over. That said, there comes a moment in everyones life when they decide its time to get their shit together. We get sick of being broke, lonely and mistaken for a doormat. We have enough of waking up hungover, wriggling out from under Tom/Tim/Tammys arm before slipping out the door, and spending our rent money on shots. We recognise that the only person who is going to build us an amazing life, is us.

If youve really lived your life so far, there will have been times when youve failed, faltered and fucked things up. This book is about helping you make peace with the parts of yourself you would prefer the world didnt seethe bits that make you terrified youll be found out. Found out for not being good enough at your job, or for not being a good enough friend/daughter/person. The bits that make you feel like youre bad. Before anyone chases me out of town with a pitchfork, know this: Im not talking about what society once deemed bad. I dont care how many people you sleep with, whether you eat Dexamphetamines (thats speed, for kids) for breakfast or if you rock up to family Christmas so hungover you have to spend the entire day lying down (no idea who did that, BTW). Im talking about the sort of behaviour that makes you feel shitty about yourself.

You see, Ive made a lot of mistakes. Some I made a few times just to make sure Id really clocked them. And for the longest time they all contributed to a huge amount of shame that coloured my perception of who I was. It felt like I was wearing a thick winter jacket in a swimming pool, and no matter how hard I tried, I could barely keep my head above water. I based how I felt about myself on what I believed other people thought of me, outsourcing something that shouldand canonly come from within. I was forever hunting for validation from external sourcesrelationships, professional success, praise from my boss and even likesin an effort to overcome who I used to be and run as fast as possible in the direction of who I wanted to become.

But no matter what I do, I cant erase who I was. The bad bits are a part of me, just as much as the good and the great bits. They need to coexist, and in fact, rather than beat myself up, I look back and see how far Ive come. I dont shy away from the bad bits, I embrace them, celebrate them even. So, if youve ever failed, fucked up or felt bad about yourself, this book is for you. You are not broken, and you deserve every happiness and success, no matter where youve come from.