Sue Patton Thoele - Freedoms After 50

Copyright 1998 by Sue Patton Thoele

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. For information, contact: Conari Press, 2550 Ninth Street, Suite 101, Berkeley, CA 94710

Conari Press books are distributed by Publishers Group West.

ISBN: 1-57324-126-1

Cover design and illustration: Lisa Burnett Bossi, Fineline Marketing & Design

Cover art direction: Ame Beanland

Interior design: Suzanne Albertson

Author photo: Paige Eden Thoele

Library of Congress Catalog-in-Publication Data

Thoele, Sue Patton.

Freedoms after 50 / Sue Patton Thoele :

foreword by Sandra Martz.

p. cm.

ISBN 1 57324-126-1

1. Middle aged womanPsychology.

2. Aged womenPsychology. 3. Self-actualization.

4. Autonomy (Psychology) I. Title.

HQ1059.4.T49 1998

305.244dc21 98-39638

CIP

Printed in the United States of America on recycled paper

99 00 01 02 RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

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When I was a young woman, I thought aging meant loss and limitation, but I've learned that it's really about freedom.

With gratitude to all of the wonderful women who have graced my life in both simple and profound ways. For your love, comfort, laughter, and wisdom, I thank you from the depths of my heart!

Reading Freedoms After 50 is like chatting with a good friend over a spicy yet soothing cup of tea. Interspersed with the laughter and reminiscences are support and encouragement that help the reader create a more spontaneous and authentic life. We are encouraged to recognize and celebrate our personal growth and wisdom while we still pay attention to those areas in our lives that may need a little spit and polish.

As I read through each section I was reminded that older women are truly blessed today. Never before have older women enjoyed so much opportunity to continue our mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. we're living longer, healthier, more productive lives and though we may no longer be as young in body, many of us are actually much younger in attitude than our earlier selves. We know that having moved through the first two stages of our lives, we've earned the right to a little creative selfishnessthe right to dance to a different drummer, make our own decisions, live out our neglected dreams, speak our truth, and unabashedly embrace both joy and sorrow.

The author also encourages us to fulfill our roles as wise older women (WOWs) and to use our knowledge and experience to mentor the young women and men in our lives. Through our example they can learn that selfappreciation and unconditional love for ourselves only strengthens our ability to love and support others.

Freedoms After 50 is a wonderful gift for those special WOWs in your life and a great read for any of us who want to sage as we age. I'm sure that readers will find their own experiences mirrored on these pages.

Sandra Martz, editor of When I'm An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

Wouldn't it be wonderful if each night before falling asleep we could truthfully say to ourselves, Today I was freer than I was yesterday? Free from fears, free to be uniquely ourselves, free to say what we mean and mean what we say, free to genuinely enjoy and celebrate life. Being a child of the 1940s and 50s, I feel as if I didn't actually wake up to the possibility of personal freedom until my early thirties. As most wake-up calls are, mine was precipitated by a huge crisisa divorce. Like the pain produced by a giant cattle prod, that crisis jolted me into taking my first halting steps toward freeing myself from the rules that I had allowed to limit my life and my choices.

It wasn't until I turned forty that I decided it might be fun and helpful to have a motto for each remaining decade. That year I chose Forty is feisty. For the fifties, my motto is Fifty is freedom, and I have found it to be mainly true. Probably the most significant freedom that I'm experiencing is a sense of empowerment that enables me to speak my mind and stand up for my rights and desires. And I have noticed this same ability coming to the fore in a great number of my women friends. Perhaps it comes from an increased awareness of our inherent strength, an expanded sense of self-worth, and a willingness to take risks. I'm not sure of the exact reasons but, for many of us, empowerment and honesty seem to be an upside of the aging process.

When the time comes to create a motto for my next decade (just the blink of a gnat's eyelash away), I'm thinking of Sixty is serendipitous. Serendipitous brings to mind spaciousness, enthusiasm, angel feathers, and funeach of which I would gladly welcome into my life at any time. For the following decades, how about Seventy is sagacious, Eighty is exciting, and Ninety is nifty? I hope that such mottoes will encourage me to keep my arms and heart open toward myself and in celebration of womanhood in general as we create new templates for our liveswho we are, what we can do, and what we can become as we greet the cycles of aging.

I want you to know that the freedoms on the following pages are ones that I aspire to, not ones I've totally mastered. It's true that for hours at a time, and sometimes even days and weeks, I can feel these freedoms in my heart, gut, and life. But sometimes those dragon voicesDoubt and Fearbreathe fire on my self-confidence, melting it down into unrecognizable goop. When this happens, I need a friendly reminder to put me back on track, which is one reason why I wrote this book. I hope it will become a friend for you too.

Happily, I've discovered that for me one of the benefits of aging is maturity and a deep trust in my ability to regain my equilibrium quickly when I'm knocked off kilter. Consequently, my sense of self-worth is more resilient than when I was younger and rarely, if ever, dissolves beyond repair and renewal. I imagine the same is true for you. I am so thankful for this ability to rebalance and believe it's one of the most wonderful freedoms that we can attain as the years march by.

Through experience and commitment, we WOWs (Wise Older Women) have earned the right to live our own lives, have given ourselves permission to laugh heartily and cry easily, have laced our lives with gracious acceptance, and have advanced our ability to love unconditionally. In addition, we women have also been intrepid explorers. Practically from the cradle, we have accepted the challenge of clearing a path through the tangle of societal limitations toward increased freedom and fairness. As with any new passage, this freedom trail needs consistent planting and pruning. I believe we're up to the task. Our sacred trust is to implement and increase the freedoms we now find ourselves gleaning, for the thriving of our children, our families, and our planet depends upon equitable freedom for each and all.

I hope that Freedoms After 50 will not only act as a catalyst for increasing your individual sense of freedom but will also lighten your heart and give you a few chuckles and smiles of recognition along the way. Please enjoy it, and while reading congratulate yourself on the wisdom and whimsy that you are gathering through the years.

Fleeting thoughts skimming Across the lake of my mind Skipping, skipping gone

Around our house, conversations between my husband and me often sound like this: Gene, honey!

Yes?