Reid Wilson - Playing With Anxiety: Caseys Guide for Teens and Kids

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Copyright 2013 by Reid Wlson, PhD and Lynn Lyons, LICSW

All rights reserved.

ISBN 9781483505367

This is a companion book toAnxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children, by Reid Wilson, PhD and Lynn Lyons, LICSW (HCI Books, 2013).

Cover design and book layout by
Red Nebula, Inc.

Drawings by
Sumanta Baruah

Let's see if we have anything in common. I'm Casey, and I'm a kid who knows worry. I know dread, too. And I've learned some great tricks about how to get out of things. And some not-so-great tricks... (Do you know that by holding a thermometer over a match flame, you can get the temperature up to 108 degrees? And then the tip turns black and melts a little.)

How about you? Are you a kid who relates to what I'm saying? This book is for you.

I'm a lot better now. I've got control of my worry and pretty good control of my anxiety. I didn't take a magic pill, so if you are looking for that you can stop reading now. But I did learn about what I was doing wrong. Lots! And that's fine because that's what worry does: it gets you way off track.

I also figured out how to get back on the right track (after lots of good, hard work). You won't have to work as hard as I did because I'm going to give you the answers. Don't let that concern you; this isn't a test, so I can pass along my solutions. I'll help you understand what's going on in your body, share some very cool tricks and gimmicks, tell you stories about how I got better, and about how my friend Shannon, and my brother, Elliot, became our guinea pigs. They got over some big fears, too. Although Elliot says the success was mostly him, with just a little coaching from me.

As luck would have it, Mom and I worked this stuff out together. (By the way, I wasn't alone in the mistakes category. Mom was making plenty too.) So if you are a parent of a kid who stays away from anything new and scary, this book is for you, too. But I'm writing it to help kids, OK? I'm not that good at fixing parents.

I'm familiar with the computer at my house, and it generally behaves like I want it to. I know how to surf the net and play games and watch videos. I can download music or movies, and find stuff on line for school and for fun. But do I understand how that thing works? No way. When it breaks, can I fix it? Absolutely not! My cousin is a computer technician. He fixes computers and sets up systems for big companies. He tried to explain some of his job to me once, and I was lost within the first two minutes. (I kept nodding in agreement and saying, "Really?" so he wouldn't think I was less-than-smart.)

Mom says it's the same with cars. She's familiar with the basics of our car, like the difference between the gas and brake pedals, and how to check the oil. But could she explain to me how the engine works? Does she understand what happens under the hood? "Casey," she'd say "That's a mystery to me."

Do you have a bike with hand brakes? Have you ever been riding along and then pulled hard on your front brakes? Don't try it! You'll flip right over your handlebars! Yes, I did. Cracking my helmet on the asphalt sure motivated me to understand what my brakes can do. Now I'm clear that when I'm going fast and I pull on my front brakes, I can stop my front wheel from spinning. But the rest of the bike, and my body, will keep moving forward, right on past that stationary front wheel. (In physics they call it inertia.)

Since that little unexpected meeting between my head and the road, I've followed that brake cable line with my finger and my eyes, all the way from the handle to the brake pads on my front wheel. I've squeezed the front brake handle and watched those brake pads press against the rim of the wheel. My friend Sylvia held the front of the bike up while I spun the wheel and then squeezed the front brake. I've ridden my bike slowly, and then jammed on the front brake to feel the back end of the bike lift a bit off the ground. (Now that you can try.)

After checking all that out, I now understand how the brakes on my bike work. When I didn't know this stuff, I ended up hurting myself. It's unfortunate I had to get hurt to learn the lesson, but it was, without a doubt, worth learning.

So, you might ask, what does this have to do with being worried and scared? I'll tell you: it's the difference between being familiar with something, and understanding something. If you're reading this book, you already know what it's like it's like when you're scared. You know the way it feels in your body. I'll bet you're pretty familiar with worry, too. I'm guessing you think about it a lot. My worries took up far too much of my time and energy. I felt like worry was my companion, whether I liked it or not. I was totally and completely familiar with worry. We hung out together. But even after spending so much time together...

Did I really understand worry?

Did I know how it worked? Why it was there? What to do about it?

Did I have a clue about what was happening in my body and in my mind?

Could I keep it from getting stronger or taking control of my life?

The feelings and sensations of being worried and scared where so powerful and familiar, but did I really get it?

NO. Capital-N, capital-O. NO. I knew how I felt when I worried, but much of worry was a mystery to me. A confusing, frustrating mystery.

Well, now I know how worry works. It's not that mysterious to me anymore. It actually makes a lot of sense. Do you remember when I introduced myself I told you how I have done a lot of the work for you already? I talked about how Mom and I worked together to figure this stuff out. You're not going to have to work that hard to figure things out, because I'm going to help you solve the mystery, right from the start.

Yes, I know you're already familiar with worry. But you don't understand it.

"So, you're saying that being familiar is different than understanding?" you ask.

Yes, it is, and I'll explain. (That's why we're here, after all. And you catch on fast. )

It's like your computer or your family car. You know how worry makes you feeldo you ever!but you can't explain how it operates, can you? You're familiar with it, but you don't understand it. In this book we're shooting for understanding.

I got hurt on my bike, and that motivated me to figure out how my bike works. I could have quit riding, and then I wouldn't get hurt again. But I want the adventures that riding gives me, so I learned to handle my brakes. Worry has hurt me, and that has motivated me to figure out how worry works. For a while, I quit doing the things that I worried about. Then I didn't worry so much. But I wanted those adventures back in my life. So I learned to handle worry. For me, learning and understanding felt like a deep, satisfying breath. And here's the good news: understanding worry is so much easier than understanding how computers work!

But I'm jumping ahead, so let's back up to how Mom and I figured all this stuff out. My problems with worry sort of snuck up on us. Looking back on it, I certainly had some anxieties before kindergarten, but I don't even think my mom and I used the words "worry" or "problem" when I was five or six or seven. I was afraid of birthday parties, so my mom stayed at the parties with me. We skipped the Fourth of July fireworks at the park each summer. If we went to the movies, we sat in the aisle seats in case I wanted to leave. We thought we were just being careful. We even thought we were