Leeza Mangaldas - The Sex Book: A Joyful Journey of Self-Discovery

Imagine a world where all sexual experiences
are consensual, safe and pleasurable.

Contents

A s human beings, weve been trying to make sense of ourselvesour lives, our sexualities, our bodies, our desires, our identitiesfor centuries. And we like simple answers: Yes/No, Good/Bad, Right/Wrong. Male or Female; Queer or Straight; Virgin or Whore; Clean or Dirty; Desirable or Disgusting.

But the truth is, our lives and our bodies, and our identities, are nuanced and complex. Being human and, moreover, being sexualis not a neat and tidy experience. Its complicated, varied, and confusing. And thats okay! Simply accepting this fact is where weve got to start. There is no single right way to be a human, there is no one ideal body and there is no correct way to have sex. Thats what makes the human experience inexplicably profound and wonderful.

As someone who has created sex-positive conversations online for over half a decade, and as one of the first people to do so on social media in India, my inboxes are flooded with messages from people of all genders and ages, from all over the country and even the world. And if I were to deconstruct the questions I receive into one overarching concern, what I get asked over and over and over again is essentially this: Am I normal?

From conversations with other sex educators in India, as well as from places as varied as Kenya and Canada, I know that this holds true for most of us, no matter where we are based. From questions about penis size or boob size to concerns about performance, from questions about fantasies to questions about sexual orientation; whether its sexual health or pleasurepeople simply want to be reassured that theres nothing wrong with themtheir bodies, their curiosities, their desires.

Heres why we all have this fear. The world is still pretty damn sex-negative globally. (Thanks to patriarchy, religion, colonialism and multiple other cultural and societal forces that have sought to surveil and control peoples sexual and reproductive choices for centuries.) So most of us have inherited a ton of shame and fear and guilt when it comes to how we think about sex and the body.

Consider the fact that many parents still teach their toddlers that the preferred euphemism for their genitals is shame shame. Consider the fact that the Latin word for external genitals, particularly those of a womanstill sometimes used in medical and scientific contextsis pudendum, which has its etymological origins in the word pudere, which literally means to be ashamed. Consider the biblical stories of Adam and Eve, the Original Sin; and of the Virgin Mary, and how the arising moral framework that values sexual purity (particularly of women) and posits sex as sinful was disseminated throughout the world via colonialism.

Its important to consider the stories weve been told for centuries and how theyve shaped our attitudes and beliefs so that we can unpack the shame and carefully select what we want to keep and what we want to let go of.

Heres what most of us come into adulthood at least somewhat believing about sex:

Sex, in general, is dangerous, immoral, shameful, sinful. Globally, sex is still presented as truly respectable only in the context of heterosexual marriage. Sex between a man and a woman, after marriage, and ideally with the primary intent to have a child, lies at the pinnacle of acceptability, with everything else falling short. In India, and in many other parts of the world too, this ought to be a same-religion, same-caste marriage, so that existing social hierarchies can literally be reproduced. The woman should be a virgin, because in a patriarchal society, a womans sexual chastity is a mark of her and her familys honour to be preserved by her father till she is married, after which she becomes the property of her husband.

Were told anything outside of this incredibly oppressive and narrow frameworksuch as premarital sex, particularly unmarried women having sex, queer sex, paid sex, sex with more than one partner, and even masturbationis bad, dirty, dishonourable, punishable. And were discouraged from even talking about sex, let alone questioning these beliefs, because, well, log kya kahenge? What will people say?

The combination of the societal shame and stigma along with the ensuing lack of accurate information about sex, sexual health and the body, means that most people are worried that theres something very wrong with them when it comes to their sexual selves. Because if were being honest, our lived experiences do not tidily fit into that rigid and oppressive narrative. Far from it.

And so, as we enter adulthood, we often pathologize our own (very normal) bodies and desires, because even thinking a sexual thought or seeking to access contraception can seem transgressiveforget about delving into questions about our sexual orientation or exploring how our body works in relation to pleasure.

This refusal to talk about sexat home, in school, in our communitiesat best results in generations of clueless young people left to figure out everything for themselves, from how to have safe sex to how to have an orgasm; but at worst, it results in things like women being killed for not bleeding on their wedding night, and queer teens being sent to quacks to be cured by conversion therapy.

Comprehensive Sex Education that is pleasure-inclusive and queer-inclusive is central to greater gender equality, to improved sexual and reproductive health and rights, to ending sexual- and gender-based violence, and to achieving a safer, kinder, more joyful world.

And while some people mistakenly think that access to sex education will result in everyone having more sex at a younger age, in fact, studies globally have shown that people who can talk to a parent, teacher or caregiver about sex are more likely to delay having sex and less likely to make choices that put their own or anothers health and safety at risk.

Now, we could wait around and hope for the day when schools all over the world have comprehensive Sex Ed programmes, but wed be waiting for a long time. So how about we proactively seek out factful, judgment-free information ourselves and at least within our own homes, relationships and communities, begin to normalize talking about this stuff.

As a young, unmarried Indian woman trying to navigate my own sexuality, sexual health and relationships, I found there to be a huge lack of easily accessible and culturally relevant information and resources about sex. Where could one go for scientifically accurate and shame-free conversations about this important aspect of our lives? This was what inspired me to start my digital sex-education platforms. And with this book, I hope to make it even easier to access all the information Ive been trying to share, because now its all in one place.

I hope together we can eliminate our shame and fill some of the gaps in our knowledge so that we are equipped to make better, safer, more informed, more empathetic and more pleasurable choices in our sexual lives.

*Please note: Whenever Ive quoted questions or messages from my viewers, names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Now that youve decided to think about sexuality and identity, heres a list of terms that will be useful to understand.