Paula Rinehart - Sex and the Soul of a Woman: How God Restores the Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret

Sex and the Soul of a Woman

How God Restores the
Beauty of Relationship
from the Pain of Regret

Paula Rinehart

To my father, Ralph Corn,
my husband, Stacy,
and our son, Brady
three good men especially dear to me

I ts a bit ironic that we live in an age in which we are bombarded with sexual images, the topic of sex is tossed about easily in conversations, and the experience of pleasure is considered a right. And yetand yet, the meaning in sexuality has been nearly lost.

Sexuality is a door that opens onto the richest secrets of your being, a purpose for your life that is larger than you. Simply put, any notions about sex will lead you to God in short orderand to the meaning of your life as a woman. Thats why its such a crucial quest. I hope this book will be one step on the road to the recovery of meaning for you.

As you read, I hope you will feel that you are in the midst of a spirited conversation about where relationships with men are meant to lead and what roles sex and sexuality are meant to play in your life. Id hope this book seems like one long cup of coffee with someone who cares. We are sexually broken peopleyou, me, all of us. Its a given. Perhaps this book will become a door into something more, something different, something healing.

Hours and hours of listening to women tell their stories have formed this book. As I have listened to woman after woman describe the impact on her life of broken sexual bonds, I have been struck by how much of her real self she loses in this experienceoften at an age before she even begins to come into her own. Its like seeing a house with the lights on inside and the windows boarded up. So little light, so little life, shines out from within. Being parceled out sexually to too many men takes a toll on the spirit.

When I listen to such stories, I sense a tiny sliver of the grief God feelsthe God who created woman in his own image, with life-giving potential. Yet while I sense Gods grief, I also gain fresh appreciation for the power of Christ and the wonder of the gospel to restore our actual selves. I am reminded of Jesus words: Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. Ultimately, only the One who made us can set us free.

Let me say a few words about how to use this book in a group setting. The discussion of past sexual experiences in a group can be an enormously healing thingbut only if there is confidentiality and freedom. You will want to make sure everyone has agreed to keep what is spoken in that group right therein that group. Similarly, if there are any questions at the end of the chapter that feel too revealing in a group setting, then feel the total freedom to say, I pass on that question. Since the topic is sexuality, its especially helpful to close any group session in prayer.

So, welcome. Fasten your seat belt. I think you will find this to be a good ride, an insightful journey, a helpful process, and maybe even a new beginning.

P AULA R INEHART

A PRIL 2010

If he wants her just for her body, that splits her. It means that she is good to him only for a part of her. Thats why when shes slept with him, she wants to know where the relationship is headed. She wants to be integrated. She craves it. She wants to know that he will be there in the morning, and the next morning, and the next morning. She wants to know that beyond the sex, he loves her, he wants herall the time.

R OB B ELL

S ometimes I sit in the darkened theatre of a good chick-flick fighting the strangest urge to take off my shoe and throw it at the screen. I appreciate the great story lineand I love a good laugh. I recognize this is a timeless, engaging tale being told here: a guy meets a girl, and something mysterious clicks between them, something that hints of at least the possibility of forever.

But an inch into my popcornor about fifteen minutes into the film (I time these things), the predictable usually happens. This man and woman fall into bed together. Its the most natural thing in the world, and only to be expected in our enlightened day. These things happen, you know. And if, heaven forbid, theres some twist in the story and this relationship doesnt work outwell, both parties just go on. On to the next romantic possibility.

They go on unscathed, unharmed, without the slightest backward glance of sexual regret.

This illusion that men and women can join their selves by joining their bodies and nothing is altered on a deeper soul level is like thinking you can tramp around on the Great Barrier Reef in your mask and fins and the plant life will remain undisturbed. Its an illusion that doesnt match real life. And its this illusion that leaves me fighting the urge to take off my shoe and throw it at the movie screen.

I want to stand up in the middle of the aisle and shout, Stop! Could we tell the truth for once? Would somebody please tell the real story?

I think someone needs to tell something a little closer to the truth. Which is why Im writing this book. Of course, you have every right to ask what would make me privy to the real story. How would I know that whats on that movie screen doesnt match the actual lives of people? How am I aware of the pain and loss and regret, especially for women, in the experience of being joinedand then unjoinedto men who came and went?

By the nature of my work, I hear what women say the morning after, the month after, or even five years later. As a therapist, I hear the stories, especially the stories women tell, when they realize they lost something in this encounter with a man, some piece of themselves they fear they cant get back. In a guys arms, a woman feels so powerfully wanted, like someone is waving a magic wand for a moment over her insecurities and they evaporate. Only the sense of being wanted can turn to ashesand the insecurities, well, those take on a life of their own.

No one wants to storyboard the truth. Sex outside its intended bonds is as destructive and soul tearing as it is healing and redemptive inside the bonds its meant for. Or to use an earlier metaphor: Theres no way to tramp around on the Great Barrier Reef in your fins without disturbing the beautiful plant life there. Its just not the way natureor relationshipswork.

Sex outside its
intended bonds is
as destructive and soul
tearing as it is healing
and redemptive inside
the bonds its meant for.

Carol gathers her clothes off the floor, tiptoeing silently around the bedroom in the early dawn, hoping not to wake this man. Snoring in quiet, even rhythm, it will be hours before he gets up. When he can, he likes to sleep until noon, and she has a ton of stuff to do today. Besides, its easier to slip back into her place before her roommates awakenfewer raised eyebrows and sly smiles to contend with that way.

Driving back to her apartment, Carol muses over how their relationship began. Who ever would have thought that cochairing a political committee would lead to this? They began as good friends, challenging each others opinions with an occasional lighthearted jab. But one thing led to another,and after a few months, she began to stay over at his place. It made for less hassle. How or when or where the relationship turned sexual, she isnt sure. She just knows that she is starting to have feelings for this guy, and that this could be a problem.