Adam Tokunaga - Slow Sex Secrets: Lessons from the Master Masseur

Copyright 2008 by Adam Tokunaga

All rights reserved.

Published by Vertical, Inc., New York.

Originally published in Japanese as Surou Sekkusu Jissen Nyuumon by Kodansha, Tokyo, 2006.

eISBN: 978-1-935654-93-3

Vertical, Inc.
451 Park Avenue South, 7th Floor
New York, NY 10016
www.vertical-inc.com

v3.1

You want to see a woman naked. You want to touch her body. You want her to give you oral sex. You want to penetrate her. You want to orgasm. Youd even like to make her orgasm, if possible.

That, in a few words, sums up the typical mans motivations when it comes to sex. Notice anything strange about that list? Thats rightevery item is an immediate pleasure. Mens focus on orgasm, in particular, is second-to-none. We have sex to achieve orgasmthat is what modern sex is all about for men.

You might be thinking that theres nothing unnatural about that, but the fact is that this selfish, single-minded focus on the momentary pleasure of orgasm makes sex boring. For a young couple who are just learning the pleasures of sex, simply enjoying the physical intimacy of each others bodies is happiness enough. When youre still learning how it all works, your partner accepts your vigorous exertions, even if all youre concentrating on is your own desire to reach orgasm. However, once you become older, and have more experience, your skills must mature along with the rest of your personality.

We all start out as beginners with nothing more to guide us than our libido and curiosity about the other sex. As you fumble through your first experiences, however, you acquire a few techniques and a certain amount of expertise. You are now at the intermediate level, where you experiment with your fingers, tongue, and penis to see if you can make your partner reach orgasm. As you further polish your technique, you begin to connect your love for your partner with her sexuality and realize that true happiness lies in making your partner feel pleasure. Thus, step by step, you reach a more advanced level.

Or at least thats how it should be. Its what it means for a man to become a mature adult, reaching a higher plane of emotional and sexual awareness. Men today, however, never seem to lose their blinkered focus on their own orgasm, no matter how old they get. Just look at how immature so many young men are today, even after they are no longer considered minors under the law. If their sexual immaturity is on par with the social immaturity thats been observed in so many of them, then we really have something to be worried about.

Sex is funsex, that is, that focuses on caressing. But if sex consists of nothing more than the bare minimum of caressing during foreplay, and then the old one-two of penetration orgasm, its going to be impossible to bring out the latent potential of the countless erogenous zones all over a womans body. Its a crime for a man not to be able to make a woman reach orgasm, and the punishment for this crime is that youll never see the true beauty of the woman you love.

Modern society has reduced sex to its most primitive forma simple act of reproduction, characterized first and foremost by speed. When I surveyed the male students at Adam, the sex school I run, I found that they spend, on average, fifteen minutes on foreplay, and a mere five minutes from penetration to orgasm. In other words, the average amount of time they spend during sex, from foreplay to orgasm, is twenty minutes. Ive heard basically the same from many women (in the form of complaints, mind you)fifteen minutes of foreplay, five minutes of penetration. This seems to be the average amount of time required for sex in todays world.

Sure, if youre only interested in fertilizing an ovum, then who cares how much time it takes? But the fact is that the majority of people having sex take pains to avoid pregnancy. And since thats the case, that average of twenty minutes looks more like a symptom of male impatience to reach orgasm than the outcome of a reproductive act. The truth is that what we call sex today is really nothing more than a woman allowing a man to use her body for him to reach orgasm.

The three biggest sexual complaints women have are: their partner reaching orgasm too quickly, unimaginative sex, and a lack of foreplay. Sex that only lasts twenty minutes is going to fulfill all three of those conditions perfectly.

When the conversation turns to the topic of sex, men indicate an interest in questions of technique, while women tend to focus on love. Both sides lose sight of the importance of time. The idea that you can satisfy a woman as long as you master certain techniques is as mistaken as a womans idea that she will enjoy sex as long as she truly loves her partner. Technique and love are, of course, important elements in pleasurable sex, but they are not the only elements. As with many things, true sex requires dedication. To get the most out of sexual techniques and to experience true love, you have to put in a minimum amount of time. Naturally, the minimum time required is most emphatically not twenty minutes.

The reason I use the term Slow Sex and focus a spotlight on sex in modern society is that I want people to correct this mistaken understanding of how long it takes to have sex.

Slow sex is more than simply a call for people to lengthen the amount of time they have sex, although many of the problemsincluding the ones that you probably facecould be solved just by turning that twenty minutes into thirty minutes, and that thirty minutes into an hour. In other words, if you are willing to spend more time caressing a womans body, you will be able to give her pleasure, without recourse to fancy techniques. The key here is time.

Lets take a closer look at this male-focused, orgasm-obsessed, twenty-minute sextruly the sexual equivalent of junk foodwhich has unfortunately become the norm in our society. Its no surprise that many women complain of never having experienced orgasm, and that while they may love their partners, their sex lives leave something to be desired. Of course, at least theyre complaining. The fact is that more and more women say they shy away from sex, would rather not have sex, and even dislike sex. Sex, one of the greatest pleasures known to humankindand women are saying they dont want to have anything to do with it! The only explanation is that women view sex negatively, feel an aversion towards it, and even give up on it altogether out of an instinct to protect themselves from the worry, stress, and pain created by male-centered sex. Cultural manifestations of this can be seen in movies and TV shows that idealize pure, romantic love, unsullied by sexual relations.

There are two main factors that have turned modern sex into junk sex. One is the immature desire of men who havent become fully formed adults to penetrate their partner as soon as possible and to reach orgasm as soon as possible. The other is the fact that womens advancing place in society has meant that many women have less free time. Ironically, this unfortunate coincidence of mens desire to reach orgasm quickly and womens desire to get it over with quickly has accelerated the transformation of sex into junk sex.