Jessica Rubin - How to Keep Him on a Short Leash

Please dont take the title of this book the wrong way. We dont think all men are dogs. But you cant deny there are similarities. Like dogs, men are wonderful and loving creatures who can make great lifelong companions. But youve got to train them right or theyre bound to be bad.

Its not that men want to misbehave, mind you. Its just that evolution hasnt completely stripped them of a few primal instinctssuch as survival and replication. And often they need help in containing and controlling these instincts, so that they can serve as proper companions in the modern world.

And just how should you go about taming these domestic creatures? As with any other pet, all it takes is learning to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. If you make your home a loving place, where he feels happy and cared for, hell start to see the light. Follow the simple instructions in these pages, and your man wont resent youhell thank you.

Now, who wants to go for a walk?

That guy with the big blue eyes, the chiseled jaw, and the hard body may seem like a great catchuntil you catch him partying with models in his spare time. Instead, try landing the kind of guy women call adorable. He wont do that to youbecause he cant.

Take control of time as well as space. Decorate your calendar with dinners, parties, movie nightsmore for you two to do together than he can possibly keep up with.

Be his best buddy, a good listener whos on his side and got his back. If you can do this for real, youll be amazed how fast he ditches his buddies to be by your side.

Nothing makes a man feel more attached to you than showing your maternal side. And nothing does that better than being a great nurse when hes sick. Chicken soup, head rubs, and lots of care will make him loyal for an eternity.

Bring out the dorky dad in your handsome husband! Get rid of all the clothes that make him look like a player and break out the argyle sweaters, corduroy blazers, and cardigansthe ones that make him look like a math teacher in a movie fighting for a raggedy band of inner-city kids.

Remember how he jumped through hoops and chased you around back when your relationship had that new-car smell? Whatever you did back thenkeep doing it!

Its just like training dogs, ponies, or penguinsyou need to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior until he can basically balance a ball on his nose while rollerskating.

Remember that, unlike your cats, who can do no wrong, a man must earn your love every day through gestures of respect and adoration. Unless hes using a litter box, he better be showing up with flowers and chocolates.

On the rare occasion that youve made a mistake, just plead the Fifth, storm off, and make it his fault that youre at fault.

By the devil, of course, we mean his mother. Even if youve lucked out and shes awesome, dont kid yourself: Youre still locked in a lifelong battle for his loyalty. The more you learn to get along, the smoother the power-sharing arrangements will go.

A man cave, for those who dont know, is a little subterranean castlea hidden enclave, usually deep in the basement, where he can luxuriate under the illusion that hes the master of his domain. Sink a few dollars into an ugly sofa, some shag carpeting, and a plasma TV, and you can hold him captive indefinitely.

Getting to know his favorite sports may sound like a dreadful bore. But knowledge is power: Learn a little about football, and you can say things like Come on, Honey, you dont need to watch this game. Everyone knows Oakland doesnt have a chance.

When he heads out for a night with the boys, make sure the vehicle he takes is chock-full of kiddie toys and child seats. Nothing says Im taken like a Honda Odyssey coated in baby drool.

Get him on his feet, carrying TVs, lifting couches, and pushing furniture around as if he was a palace slave. Its like a human dog runitll burn up all his excess energy, and leave him panting on the couch.

Nobody wants to go to his company holiday galaprobably not even him. But resist the urge to sit this one out. Its a great opportunity to let the other ladies at the office know hes on the leash and off-limits.