Bart King - The Big Book of Spy Stuff

Hey, can you hold still for a second? This book is electronically scanning your right eye to figure out your security clearance. (Youve heard of e-books, right?)

While its doing that, let me tell you about my spy credentials. First, I am an expert in sabotage (SAB-uh-taj), the art of destroying or damaging things for spy-ish reasons. My list of accomplishments includes derailing a toy train and blowing up a pumpkin.

Furthermore, I can kill with my bare feet (although I prefer not to step on caterpillars if I can help it). And while I cant confirm or deny any more details on my background, I can tell you that Im a writer...and trust me, writers are spies! The difference is that a writer wants to discover secrets and then share them with everybody. A spy wants to discover secrets and share them with nobody (or sell them to a high-paying client).

Hey, it looks like this books eye-scan is done, anduh-oh: youre not cleared for any top secret material at all! Thats too bad. So please stop reading right now.

Well, I guess THATs not going to work.

Wait! By continuing to read despite my threats, youve proven your interest in discovering hidden secrets. And thats good enough for me! After all, learning secrets is why most spies get into spying. Because being one up on everyone else is pretty cool.

Of course, not all spies want to be cool. Some just dont have any choice! For example, in 1993 a man named Bin Wu was arrested for trying to smuggle night-vision equipment out of the United States and into China. But heres whats amazing: Bin Wu hated the Chinese government! In fact, Bin Wu had been arrested for protesting against Chinas policies. After Bin Wu was arrested, he was given a choice: either work as a secret agent for China or go to prison for a long time. (Guess which one he picked?)

Spies: The Exception to the Rule

Guess what? Many people automatically dislike anyone who has the word agent in his or her job title. Literary agent, talent agent, chemical agent...we hate em all! Do you know the only exception to this? Secret agents!

According to this books electronic scan, youre also an honest person. So maybe you dont think youre cut out for spying. Think again! If youve read this far, youre almost ready to trade in your goody-two-shoes for spy boots with poison gas canisters hidden in their heels. And then youll be ready to do something really glamorous, like writing up spy reports.

Nobody knows what the first spy report was. But the oldest one we know of was written 4,000 years ago on a clay tablet somewhere in what is now Iraq. (It was a secret plan to watch for fire signals on the Euphrates River.)

My guess is that the actual oldest spy report was from hundreds of thousands of years ago and went something like this:

Commander Thok, I am ready to give my report.

Go ahead, Agent Boomp.

I saw Reegu collecting shells!

Good work! *pause* Uh, why do you think Reegu was doing this?

Maybe he wants to start using the shells for money?

But that would totally destroy our current system of buying and selling items using very small rocks!

Perhaps he just thinks seashells are pretty.

They are, arent they? I especially like the curly ones with the blue insides. *pause* But we should probably hit Reegu over the head with something hard just to be safe.

As we have learned from the cavemen, spying is very exciting! It combines danger, secrecy, and the potential for making really big mistakes. And in modern times, spies get to wear cool sunglasses!

But cool sunglasses alone dont explain spying. The fact is that every nation wants to protect its borders and its citizens. Here are three ways nations can do this:

While I dont know for certain that cave people used spies, ancient civilizations did. For example, Greek mythology had the story of the demigod named Prometheus (pro-MEETH-ee-us). He stole secret technology (namely, fire) from the head god, Zeus (zoos). Then Prometheus gave this classified information to the humans. Finally, after getting caught, Prometheus was sentenced to having his liver eaten by an eagle. Just like spies today!

And in between screams, Ill bet Prometheus would have agreed with the words of ancient Chinese leader Sun Tzu: An army without secret agents is like a man without eyes and ears.

Hey, did you hear that? Eyes and ears. So thats why spies need sunglasses (and earpieces).

Okay, now we understand why nations have spies. But I have to point out something before going onward. People like me love to learn about the secrets and failures of spies throughout history. But for every flub or mistake that a spy or spy agency makes, there are countless times when they save lives, foil enemy plots, and otherwise do exactly what people hope they will do.

So why dont we hear more about spies saving the day? Because these successes are SECRET! The CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) even has an unofficial motto: Our failures are publicized. Our successes are not. So dont think that all spies are dangerous, bumbling nincompoops...because only some of them are.

And the spies who are really good at their jobs are the ones youll NEVER hear about. (Like me!)