Jessica Sorensen - The Forgotten Girl

The heart is fascinating. It pumps blood through the veins. Feeds us. Starves us. Its steady when were steady. Is erratic when were erratic. When it goes silent, everything inside us stops, stills. When were alive, its the fuel to that life. It drives the adrenaline. Soars it through us. Makes us able to do more than were normally capable of. The same thing goes for when were afraid. Fear. Its as potent as life and the more afraid we are, the faster our hearts beat.

Right now, my heart feels like its going to explode out of my chest as I stare at the dark sky, rain pouring down as lightning bolts slap against the earth, barely able to turn my head. My hair, clothes, skin, lungs, are drenched and my eyes blink fiercely against the fierce raindrops, making it difficult to see. But I can make out the tips of pine trees and a massive steel water tower nearby and theres a glow in the distance like fire...

Glass is scattered around my head, a halo of piercing thorns, cutting my scalp. The puddles on the pavement ripple against my back. Lights shine on me from somewhere and blood trickles from my forehead into my eyes.

I dont know how I got here, where here is, or who I am. I know nothing except Im lying in the middle of the road. My arms are kinked and twisted above my head and my legs cut up and sprawled out in an unnatural position. Theres something clutched in the palm of my hand metal with sharp edges that are splitting open my trembling palm. I should let it go, but I cant find the will to unfold my fingers from it. I want to hold onto itneed to. Just thinking about letting go sends my heart slamming against my chest, faster, faster, faster. Im scared alive scared dead. I cant tell which one.

I feel dead.

The thought sends a strange calmness to my chest and my heart gradually slows, the cold becoming comforting. Death. Is the thought of dying calming me? Or is my heart dyingam Im dying? Im not sure whether to keep trying to breathe or just let go. Do I want to die? Why does it feel like the answer is yes and no?

I attempt to turn my head, look around, figure out where I am. With a lot of effort, I manage to slant my head to the left but immediately regret it when Im blinded by a light. Is that death?

Blinking several times, the rain washes the blood away from my eyes. Headlights of a car parked in the middle of the road... Im lying in the middle of the road and theres a car just off to the side of me. Wait. Was I hit by a car? Is that why Im here? Why cant I remember?

I attempt to flip over onto my stomach so I can get to my feet, but my legs, arms, torso, arent having any part of it. Someone help me! I open my mouth to scream, but the rain drowns me, floods my mouth and lungs. I shut my eyes and listen to the descending rhythm of my heart. Slower. Vanishing. Water rivers over me, icy, cold, but Im so warm inside. Numb. The rain is soundless. I think I might be dying

Can you hear me? A voice drifts through the stillness, but Im uncertain if it came from inside my head or outside in the rain. I know it, though I think

With effort, I open my eyes. Its darker that I remember it being, the lightning fickles as the clouds thin. And one of the headlights is blocked out by something a tall figure standing in the leftover drizzle of rain.

Whos there? My voice is hoarse, feeble, helpless.

The stranger doesnt respond, walking toward me. Boots crunch against the wet pavement, splash through puddles. With each step, my heart quickens. Thump. Thump. Thump. Blood crashes through my body. I can feel the rain again. The cold. Feel the blood running down my head. Pain. So much pain. I should get up and move, but Im still immobile and suddenly theyre standing right above me. I cant see their face through the veil and the light hitting the back of them, but my heartbeat quickens with every second they stare at me. Fear. I think Im afraid. Of them? Of dying?

Who are you I croak, my body quivering.

Youre going to be okay, Maddie.

The name makes me feel hollow. Maddie? Whos Maddie? Who am I?

The person continues to stare for a while before crouching down beside me. I have the strangest compulsion to reach up and claw their eyes out, hurt them, but I cant lift my arms. They lean over me, sheltering my face from the rain with theirs. I still cant see their expression or facial features, but I know their watching me. Studying my wounds. My heart thrashes. Quicker. Quicker. Quicker. My chest moves with it, gasping for air. I cant hear, see, think. Who am I?

Who are you? I manage to say. Do I do I know you?

The person silently assesses me with their head tilted to the side, putting a cigarette into their mouth. They strike a match and light the cigarette, puffing on it a few times before pulling it out of their mouth. Then they reach over me, their fingers seeking my hand, smoke dancing into my face and nostrils. Then he utters softly, Wait, youre not her.

Not who? I start to shake, scream, try to move, my heart racing so fast inside my chest it aches deep inside my muscles. My adrenaline soars, blood rushes through my body. Its too much. I get dizzy, the world becomes colors and shapes that I cant make sense of I cant make sense of anything. But I feel the touch of fingers on my hand as they pry my fingers open easily, despite my desperation to hold onto it The object falls out. Plink. Hits the pavement. My heart slams against my chest so hard it knocks the breath out of me. I suck in an inhale and scream as loud as I can. Pain surges through me, fills my head. It feels like Im splitting in half, becoming someone else, part of me dying. Kill him. I lift my hand up toward the stranger as he watches me through the dark, unafraid. When my fingers graze his neck, I fold them around the base and squeeze, strangling him. He doesnt fight back, just remains crouched beside me, as if saying: Go ahead. Do it. Kill me. And I do until I open my mouth and finally get my scream out, the pain in it evident and burning its way through my body.

I dont want to be here anymore!

Its going to be okay, he whispers as he gasps for air. I promise.

But hes wrong. Because moments later the rain drowns me out and everything goes black.

Maddie

Six years later

Im considering killing my therapist. Leaning over his mahogany desk, clubbing him over the head with the smiley face paperweight, and watching him fall out of his chair and onto the floor. Id calmly get up and stroll over to him. Then crouching beside him, my fingers would enfold around his neck and Id squeeze, watching his veins bulge, until he gasped his last breath. I wonder how pallid his face would be toward the end, if his veins would be more defined against his peachy complexion, if a plea would escape his lips. Please dont do it. I have a family. I dont want to die. Im so sorry, Maddie, for making you sit through this endless torture of therapy sessions, making you feel more insane with each one. The only thing Im not positive about is if Id get cold feet halfway throughif Maddie would regain control again and back out, my good shining through the evil. Perhaps dark and morbid thoughts were never supposed to be lived outthey were just put there to torture me daily.

Still, I wonder what Im capable of. It feels like theres so much more to me than just living my ordinary life day in and day out. There has to be more. I wonder all the time.

What the more is.

Fear it.

I might find out soon if my therapist keeps asking me questions about whats going on inside my head. Too much pushing and Ill finally break down and tell him whats really going on in the darkest crevices of my mind. That Lily, the person hidden inside me, is encouraging me to do dark and twisted things. That she hates getting annoyed and right now, hes annoying her to no end. But if I told him that then Id actually have to explain who Lily is and that could be more complex than explaining my murderous thoughts. Besides, even I sometimes dont understand who Lily is.