Philip Roth - Deception

ILL WRITE THEM down. You begin.

Whats it called?

I dont know. What do we call it?

The Dreaming-About-Running-Away-Together-Questionnaire.

The Lovers-Dreaming-About-Running-Away-Together-Questionnaire.

The Middle-Aged-Lovers-Dreaming-About-Running-Away-Together-Questionnaire.

Youre not middle-aged.

I certainly am.

You seem young to me.

Yes? Well, that shall certainly have to come up in the questionnaire. Everything to be answered by both applicants.

Begin.

Whats the first thing that would get on your nerves about me?

When you are at your worst, what is your worst?

Are you really this lively? Do our energy levels correspond?

Are you a well-balanced and charming extrovert, or are you a neurotic recluse?

How long before youd be attracted to another woman?

Or man.

You must never get older. Do you think the same about me? Do you think about this at all?

How many men or women do you have to have at one time?

How many children do you want to interfere with your life?

How orderly are you?

Are you entirely heterosexual?

Do you have any specific idea of what interests me about you? Be precise.

Do you tell lies? Have you lied to me already? Do you think lying is only normal, or are you against it?

Would you expect to be told the truth if you demanded it?

Would you demand the truth?

Do you think its weak to be generous-minded?

Do you care about being weak?

Do you care about being strong?

How much money can I spend without your resenting it? Would you let me have your Visa card, no questions asked? Would you let me have any power over your money at all?

In what ways am I already a disappointment?

What embarrasses you? Tell me. Do you even know?

What are your real feelings about Jews?

Are you going to die? Are you mentally and physically okay? Be specific.

Would you prefer someone richer?

How inept would you be if we were discovered? What would you say if someone came in that door? Who am I and why is it all right?

What things dont you tell me? Twenty-five. Any more?

I cant think of any.

I look forward to your answers.

And I to yours. I have one.

Yes?

Do you like what I wear?

Thats straining.

Not at all. The more trivial the defect the more anger it inspires. Thats my experience.

Okay. Last question?

I have it. I have it. The last question. Do you in any way, in any corner of your heart, still harbor the illusion that marriage is a love affair? If so, that can be the cause of a lot of trouble.

My husbands girlfriend gave him a present the other day. Shes very pretentious, a very jealous and ambitious kind of person. Everything has to be high drama for her. She gave him this record. I cant remember, but its a very well known, very beautiful piece of music. Schubert and all about the loss of the greatest passion in his life, the most interesting woman of the century, who was tall and thin oh, its all related to that. All this is made very plain in the liner notes, how this is the greatest passion that could ever be conceived, the true marriage of true minds, and all this really high-flown stuff about the misery and ecstasy of being separated by cruel fate. It was so clearly a pretentious gift. He makes the mistake of being open about all these things, you see. He could simply have said that he bought it himself. But he told me that she had given it to him. And I dont think hed looked at the back. I was drunk one evening, and Ive got this pink stuff that you underline with and it makes things stand out. And I underlined about seven phrases that just looked hilariously funny when you did that. Then I calmly withdrew to a dignified distance and handed him the cover of this record. Do you think that was awful of me?

Why were you drunk?

I wasnt drunk. Id had a lot of drinks.

You have a lot to drink at night.

Yeah.

How much?

Oh, I drink a huge amount. It depends. Some evenings I dont drink anything. But if I were drinking, I could easily drink several doubles before dinner, and several afterwards, and wine in between. I wouldnt even be drunk. I would just be kind of elevated.

So you dont get much reading done these days.

No. Though I dont drink by myself. Theres someone there when I drink. Though we dont really stay together very much. Well, we have recently but its not usual.

Its such a strange life you lead.

Yes, it is strange. Its a mistake. But there we are, thats my life.

How unhappy are you?

What I find is that it goes in periods. One has periods of ghastliness. And then long periods of sort of quiet and love. There was a long time when it seemed that all these things were getting worse. And then there was a short time when they seemed to be resolving themselves. And now I think neither of us wishes to have too many confrontations. Because it achieves nothing. And it just makes it all the more difficult to live with each other.

Do you still sleep together?

I thought you were going to ask me that. Im not going to answer that question. If you want to go somewhere in Europe, I know exactly where I want to go.

You with me?

Ummm. Amsterdam. Ive never been there. And theres a wonderful exhibition.

Youre looking at the clock to see what time it is.

People who drink too much often look at the clock before they have their first drink. Just in case.

Whats the matter?

Oh, nothing. Two nannies, two children, and two cleaning women all squabbling, and the usual English damp. Then my daughter, since shes been ill, has taken to waking me up at any time, three, four, five. Whats tiring is Im responsible to all my responsibilities. I need a holiday. And I dont think we can continue to have a sexual relationship. The days too short.

Is that right? Thats too bad.

No, I dont think we can. Dont you agree, actually? Last time we talked about it, wasnt that the direction in which your own conversation was tending?

Oh, I see. This is a pre-emptive strike. Okay. Whatever you want.

Laughing. Well, I think thats best. I think that you put yourself very neatly when you said it was driving you nuts.

What was driving me nuts?

Well, all these sexual matters. You said you didnt think you were very keen on just a romantic friendship.

I see.

Thats sort of your well-let-that-ride expression.

No, no, its not. Its my Im-still-listening expression.

Well, perhaps I shouldnt have simplified like that.

Really? Oh, Ill simplify it for you, if you want it simple.

Dont say nothing. I hate you to say nothing.

Its very strange to see you.

Stranger not to, isnt it?

No, I usually dont see you.

You do look a bit different. Whats been happening to you?

That makes me look so different? You tell me what the difference is and Ill tell you what did it. Am I taller, shorter, fatter, wider?

No, its very subtle.

Something subtle? Shall I be serious? I missed you.

I went to see a friend of ours who left her husband. Shes very clever, shes very beautiful, and shes very successful. And shes extremely courageous and self-disciplined. And shes got lots of money. And she looks terrible.

How long has she been on her own?

Two months.

Shell look worse.

Not only does she earn this huge amount of money in an interesting job, but she had a lot of money, so that there are no problems of that sort.

She have children?

She has two children.

A cautionary visit.

Well, if she cant do it, well... really. Shes just been terribly ill, shes moved house, shes just got divorced, and her children are kicking up from being wretched and... I couldnt begin. I couldnt begin.

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