Ball - Should I stay or should I go: and 87 other serious answers to questions in songs

For Mel,

who knows why

CONTENTS

A NOTE ON CITATIONS

Where weve made significant use of a particular study or article, weve included it wherever possible in the text. However, to avoid a notes section as long as the book itself, these have sometimes been omitted. If theres any figure youd like the source of or if you think youve spotted an error in the maths do get in touch, ideally via Twitter, where I can be found @jamesrbuk.

HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN?

BOB DYLAN

There have been various rituals around manhood throughout history: for the Bukusu tribe of western Kenya, it is the sikhebo circumcision ceremony; for the people of Vanuatu in the South Pacific it is the yearly harvest ritual of land diving, as they leap a hundred feet from crudely built wooden towers with vines tied around their ankles.

Dylan, B characteristically chooses an unusual measure of child development, contemplating how many roads a man must walk down, before you can call him a man. Despite significant research effort, we have been unable to find evidenced answers to this matter blowing in the wind (unless the cryptic answer to his question is: nitrogen, oxygen, argon, carbon dioxide and other trace gases) and so have focused instead on what Dylan surely must have been driving at: childhood physical activity.

The lack of any standardized road length, plus ethical (and insurance) considerations prevented us proposing that young children walk down actual roads, so instead we have focused on recommended step counts for children. While adults are advised to walk 10,000 steps a day, children at least those aged five or over; for hopefully obvious reasons younger kids are excluded are advised to walk more.

Girls should be aiming to walk 12,000 steps a day, but boys need to average 15,000 steps each day. Therefore, a simple bit of maths suggests a boy should have walked 71,175,000 steps between his fifth and eighteenth birthday, when we can (legally) call him a man. However, most children fall short of this: the average boy will have walked just 52,195,000 steps by this point.

The Dylan, B study sadly is vague on practical advice on what to do at this point should we wish to maintain our current age of majority. We could either reduce the requirements for roads (or steps) walked down, or, if we wish to protect the 71-million-step goal, we can instead begin to call boys men at the average age of just over twenty-two-and-a-half. It is of course likely that this additional exercise would cause them to be blowing in the wind.

DO THEY KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS TIME?

BAND AID

It is somewhat puzzling that large groups of individuals have gathered to ask this question at various points spanning more than three decades, as it is one that is almost trivial to solve.

This question was first posed as part of a huge charity drive in 1984, and was collectively sung by no fewer than thirty-seven vocalists, who seemed very keen to get an answer to this question. However, it was then asked again by a fresh group a few years later, and a third and fourth time by different groups in 2004 and 2014.

On the face of it, answering this question is very simple: the latest estimates suggest that Africa has a Christian population in excess of 500 million out of a total population of 1.2 billion, meaning that even if Africans didnt follow the customs of people living on other continents, its still extremely likely that they have a very good idea indeed that its Christmas time, as almost every other person is a Christian.

However, if we were to look more specifically at Ethiopia the initial fundraising target for the commendable Band Aid initiative the answer is slightly less clear. Almost two-thirds of Ethiopians, some 45 million people, identify as Christian and so could clearly be expected to know when Christmas is. However, of this figure, more than 30 million identify as Orthodox Christians, meaning they would not celebrate Christmas on the same day as their Protestant or Catholic brethren. This, perhaps, solves the mystery of this questions persistence: clearly the celebrity fundraisers have struggled to understand the differences in how various Christian groups in Ethiopia mark Christmas.

One thing that is beyond doubt is that there will be snow in Africa every Christmas. Africa is a huge continent with mountain ranges including Kenyas Mount Kenya, Tanzanias Mount Kilimanjaro, Ugandas Rwenzori Mountains and, even more specifically for the purposes of this study, Ethiopias Semien Mountain all of which are covered in snow for almost the entirety of the year.

ARE THERE 4,000 HOLES IN BLACKBURN, LANCASHIRE?

THE BEATLES

Some thinkers tackle love, some tackle betrayal, and some tackle politics but few have tackled a pressing issue which causes fury among drivers everywhere: potholes.

Perhaps their willingness to address this issue is why Lennon, J and McCartney, P have endured in the public imagination for so long.

In their 1967 address, they not only note that there are 4,000 small holes in Blackburn, Lancashire, but also that someone had to count them. Today, trying to assess whether their estimate at the time was accurate is impossible, but it is still the case that someone in contemporary Blackburn has to try to calculate the number of potholes and deal with them.

A recent estimate of potholes in Blackburn can be gathered from the local councils figures. In 2018 the council received 178,000 from a central government fund to tackle potholes. The average cost of fixing a pothole in Britain is 53, which means Blackburn got enough funds to tackle 3,358 potholes not too far from Lennon and McCartneys historical estimate, especially given that budget measures in Britain mean the council was likely underfunded in its efforts.

It seems like in the case of Lennon and McCartney sciences gain may have been road maintenances loss.

As to how many holes it would take to fill the Albert Hall: we know its internal volume measures 86,650 cubic metres, so if all the holes were the same size they would be 21.66m3, which is roughly two-thirds of the size of a standard shipping container. It is unlikely that there were 4,000 holes this size in the roads of Blackburn, Lancashire, especially as the study itself says they are rather small, so though one may have led to the calculation of the other, we must reluctantly conclude that the collaboration may have made some serious errors in their maths.

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?

PATTI PAGE

There is a serious concern we must address about Page, Ps 1953 study of pet economics.

Building upon original research by Merrill, B, we cant avoid the fact she is clearly a horribly irresponsible purchaser of pets. Firstly, as numerous charities have tried to teach us, dogs are for life and not just for Christmas; purchasing decisions should not be made on the whim of seeing a dog in a window.