J. Maarten Troost - Headhunters on my doorstep: a true treasure island ghost story

E veryone has problems. Spend a few moments catching up with friends and youre likely to hear a litany of catastrophes.

I lost my job at the prison, one might say.

Im going to prison, says another.

Im about to lose my home.

I blew mine up to collect the insurance.

My ferret died.

I ate mine.

...

Long story.

Tales of woe had become inescapable. What were once simple quandaries now seemed to come equipped with trapdoors. One misstep and youd tumble into the chute of doom, where demotions became terminations, homeowners became squatters, and Little Bandit was no longer safe. I was no exception. I too had problems. Multitudes of problems. If something could go wrong, it usually did. The only law that seemed to apply to me was Mr. Murphys. For a long while, decades even, the sun had shone upon me. Life had been an effortless glide. Id traveled the world, married my soul mate, sired two strapping boys, and wrote books thatIve been confidently informedlanded on the bestseller list in Eugene, Oregon. I couldnt explain why good things happened to me. They just did. But then, like a bad Chinese proverb, my good fortune evaporated like a spilled Slurpee in a Phoenix parking lot. Everything that could go wrong... was not a thought I dared to finish. It could always get worse, and usually it did.

Whatd happened? I wondered. Good luck seeks no antecedent, but bad luck demands an inquest. Was it simply written in the cosmos? Did the yin of happiness necessitate the yang of misery? Could it simply be bad karma? No, I thought, as I reflected on the causes of my misfortune. Behind every event, every circumstance, lay a cold, hard trail of facts. I needed only to follow the breadcrumbs of past experience to bring me to the source of my tribulations. And there, sadly, I found something immense and unmovable:

Continents.

Bad things happened to me on large land masses. Terrible things.

This was a most unfortunate realization, of course. How Id hoped to discover an unhappy childhood, an unjust prison sentence, or a soul-scarring bout of acne to explain the recent trajectory of my life. Who wants to blame their woes on something as inalterable as the North American tectonic plate? After all, continents areat the very leastnice to look at. I too could admire majestic, snow-glazed mountains, the rivers that flowed with the tide of history, the buzz of the megacity. I am, for the record, appreciative of boreal forests and rain forests, deserts, and the vast expanse of the northern tundra. I like New York and Los Angeles, as well as Mumbai, Shanghai, and Dubai. I am fond of small towns. Also apple pie and yak, though not together. All this can be found on continents. But, alas, experience tells me that if Im not surrounded by an ocean, my life crumbles like a stale cookie.

Its true.

Take my most recent sojourn in North America. Id protected my well-being by living on a peninsula. Surrounded by water on three sides, I navigated the perils of the modern world, and whenever events or situations threatened to leave my eyes agog and my head a-splitting, I retreated to a rented sailboat, where secure in a finite space surrounded by the infinite blue of the ocean, I navigated pitching waves and morning fog with an aplomb that failed me on dry land. On water I was free and sure; on land I felt like a lost fish. But then, chasing a job, I moved deeper into the continent, distant from familiar waters and sandy dunes, and there I fell.

Into the bottle to be precise. This wasnt entirely unexpected. In retrospect, it was probably a foregone conclusion. Id always had a temperamental shut-off valve. Open-minded to the mind-altering, Id long ago learned to be wary of the seductive offerings of both the street and the pharmacy. Id known that drugs could be a problem and that it was best to dispense with the experimentation early on. I pretty much maxed out on magic mushrooms. Instead, Id settled into the steady companionship of pint glasses and decanters. Like everyone. It was normal, no? A few beers at the bar; wine with dinner. It was all good. In fact, hard liquor was a no-no in my worlduntil, eventually, it wasnt, and there was that unknown moment when the proverbial invisible line was crossed, when everything started to tumble with a terrifying ferocity, and despite untold As-God-Is-My-Witness promises to get this under control, to show some restraint, I couldnt. I couldnt stop. Not until my wife, bless her, deposited me at rehab, where, sedated with Librium, I learned that lucky-ducky that I was, I had a fatal brain disease and should I ever pick up a drink again I might as well put five bullets in a six-shooter and shove it down my piehole.

So this was bad. And it happened on a continent. In my mind, the case was closed.

Now hold on right there, someone might say. Do you mean to suggest that there was a link between the pint of vodka you kept tucked in your sock during the last month of your drinking and the fact that you inhabited a continent?

Yes, I do. And furthermore, having noted the correlation between large landmasses and big problems in my own personal lifethe larger, the biggerI gave thanks every day that I didnt inhabit Asia, where I undoubtedly would have ended up a crackhead in Pyongyang. Its important to think positively, I figure. It