Cohen - How to Lose a Marathon: a Starters Guide to Finishing in 26.2 Chapters

Editor: Samantha Weiner

Designer: Devin Grosz Production

Manager: Kathleen Gaffney

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016949531

ISBN: 978-1-4197-2491-6
eISBN: 978-1-6833-5080-4

Copyright 2017 Joel Cohen

Published in 2017 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

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Dear _________________,

Great to meet you. Glad to hear you loved the book, and thank you for using the word brilliant so many times. As punctuation to our life-changing meeting (your words), heres my autograph:

_________________

(The above pre-written inscription is just there to speed up the long line at the many book signings Im sure to have. To speed things up further, please fill in your own name before you get to the table, where Im probably sitting next to someone whose main job seems to be making sure I have enough bottled water. Actually, if you want, feel free to sign my name in the book, too. That would really speed things up.)

FOR S, R & S

NOT for:

M, B, N, R and S (different R and S than above), V, and the guy who took the parking spot I clearly had been waiting for. (He looked like an L.)

JOEL COHEN, AUTHOR OF HOW TO LOSE A MARATHON

Theres really no purpose to this other than the fact that Ive always wanted to write an authors note. In fact, I wanted to write the note more than I wanted to be an author, but they wont let you write the note unless you churn out a book or something to go after it. This time I played by their rules, but next time, all Im writing is the note. Lets see them stop me.

Anyway, this book is, if not totally accurate, accurate enough. Everything in it pretty much happened, but in many cases, events have been exaggerated or restated in a desperate attempt to make them entertaining and/or funny. I didnt change any individual names since the person I mostly disparage is myself (that should cut down on lawsuitsI say should because Im unpredictable at best). I left corporate names as they were, because from what I understand, giant corporations never sue anybody.

In 2013, I lost the New York City Marathon.

I know I lost because a guy named Geoffrey Mutai won, and I have a different name than him. If that wasnt proof enough, he also finished 26,781 places in front of me.

I was disappointed to finish 26,782nd, but I was even more heartbroken to miss out on 26,781st place by less than a second. Less than a single second. The blink of an eye. I trained as long as I did, pushing myself to finish in the top 26,781, and I just missed it. It still haunts me.

Its incredible that I ran a marathon at all, since I used to be an out-of-shape slob. I was so poorly conditioned that even typing left me gasping for air. I decided to start running and began a caterpillar-like transformation into the slightly out-of-shape slob that ran the race.

Even today, I can proudly say Im still fit enough to type several sentences before getting winded. You may have thought these paragraph breaks were just formatting, but theyre actually saving your pudgy author from a heart attack. Even now I feel my chest tightening. I need a break. This is bad. Two returns bad.

OK, Im back, and surprisingly, still alive. As we both wait for my inevitable cardiac arrest, let me try to stay on point. When I made the decision to start running, I began to look for and read books about running. The second part was easyIm an excellent reader, reading well above my grade level. The more difficult part was finding books that informed and engaged an ignorant novice like me.

There are a lot of books about hard-core ultramarathoners and triathletes (I quickly learned Im a uni-athlete at best), but there were none for the beginner grinder runnerthe guy or girl who will probably never finish a marathon in less than four hours. The guy or girl presumably like you and me.

NOTE: I know that the above paragraph bundles you and me in the same group, and I can understand if you are insulted by the idea. If it makes you feel any better, Im not happy being associated with me, either. Regardless, we both need to get over it. It happened. Lets move on and not make this weird.

So, much like a guy who cant find a good sandwich and then opens his own sandwich shop, or like someone who cant find the right size paperclip and then acquires an international steel conglomerate to forge them, I decided to write the book about running I wish I could have read.

Yet another stimulus for this book was to give hope to people who would like to run a marathon but think they could never do it. To all those people, let me tell you: You can.

Ive observed that people are more prone to believe they can do something if they know someone whos already done it. The impossible suddenly seems possible, within reach even. I think thats why so many actors have siblings who also are actorsthe crazy idea of being a working actor isnt so crazy when your brother or sister is already doing it. I suspect Stephen Baldwin saw his brother Alec acting and thought, Hey, I can do that, too. This is why we, the public, may have a class-action suit against Alec Baldwin for unleashing Stephen Baldwin upon us.

This theory also holds true in my career. I was led to believe I could become a TV writer because my older brother was one. This is also why the public may have a class-action suit against my brother for unleashing my crappy writing on society. If you are looking for people to join the suit, count me inyou have no idea how much of my own bad writing Ive had to read.

Regardless, if you are reading this and you dont know anyone who has ever run a marathon, well, now you do. Me. I did it. And trust me, if I did, you can, too.

With this book, I made an effort (and effort is something I dont usually make) to avoid writing merely about my experience for the sake of my ego. A lot of books about people doing unusual things are nothing more than thinly veiled bragging, with the author crowing, Look what I did! I really wanted this book to be the opposite of that. You may think that means I want it to be thickly veiled, like with a veil made out of lead, but thats entirely wrong. I cant believe thats what you thought.

What I actually meant is that instead of bragging, Id like this book to be more a retelling of how I, a lazy lump with more chins than trophies, actually ran a marathon. From the depths of my ineptitude, I want you to find inspiration. If its done right (and we both know it wont be), instead of saying, Look what I did! this book should say, Look what I did, and now imagine how much better