Stibbe - Paradise lodge: a novel

Nina Stibbe

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PARADISE LODGE

A Novel

VIKING

UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand |South Africa

Viking is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.

First published 2016

Copyright Nina Stibbe, 2016

Cover photo Ellie Gerrard-Sharp

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to quote from Uneasy Money by P. G. Wodehouse. Published by Everyman Library, 2004. Copyright P. G. Wodehouse. Reproduced by permission of the Estate of P. G. Wodehouse c/o Rogers, Coleridge & White Ltd, 20 Powis Mews, London W11 1JN ; and from The World is Full of Married Men by Jackie Collins, reproduced by permission of Simon and Schuster UK, 222 Grays Inn Road, London, WCIX 8 HB

ISBN: 978-0-241-97493-3

For Victoria Goldberg

By the same author

FICTION
Man at the Helm

NON-FICTION
Love, Nina

The job at Paradise Lodge was Miranda Longladys idea. I happened to bump into her outside Pop-in stores one day and she pointed out a card on the noticeboard.

Paradise Lodge nursing home for the elderly.

Non-unionized auxiliary nurses sought for part-time duties 35p per hour.

Ideal part-time position for outgoing, compassionate females of any age.

Miranda wanted to apply and was hoping to talk her sister, Melody, into going with her. But when Melody came out of the shop with a loaf of Take n Bake and read the notice she said it wasnt for her. Shed gone into a punk phase around then and had pierced her upper ear with a needle and an ice cube and had intellectual obscenities felt-penned on to her T-shirt.

Go on, Miranda whined, I dont want to go on my own.

While they bickered, I read the card again closely and realized that I wanted the job. I was fifteen and I loved the idea of being professionally compassionate. I was longing for something that might blossom into a new phase that didnt involve horses, or school or becoming a punk like Melody, or having a full-time boyfriend all of which seemed too exhausting to commit to plus 35p per hour would work out at almost 3 a day a huge amount then. You could practically live on it. Plus it was a walkable distance and I was a hater of bus travel.

Ill go with you, I said, and Miranda spun round and looked at me gone out. Wed never been particularly friendly. Actually, I hated her and ditto she me, but for the reasons above, I ended up walking with her to the next village to apply in person forthwith as per the card.

The walk to Paradise Lodge was fascinating. Miranda opened up to me about her reason for needing the job and it was so compelling and romantic and unlike the Miranda of old, I changed my mind about her. I still didnt like her, as such, but she seemed interesting, which was more than could be said for most people.

Miranda and her mother were at loggerheads regarding her boyfriend, Mike Yu. Miranda had gone on the pill to be poised to have intercourse with him when the time came and Mrs Longlady had twigged it because of Miranda suddenly going up two bra sizes in spite of a recent switch from real bread to low-calorie Slimcea. Mrs Longlady had stopped Mirandas pocket money and was now refusing to give her a penny until she stopped seeing Mike Yu.

The real problem was that Mrs Longlady preferred Mirandas ex. A boy from Market Harborough called Big Smig who was posh but tried to play it down by swearing and whose dad worked for British Leyland on the admin side and whose mum did charity work for Princess Anne with a horsey connection and was single-handedly arranging five interconnecting street parties for the Queens Silver Jubilee.

Mirandas mother was offensive about Mike Yu, calling him Buttercup and saying he was Japanese. This infuriated Miranda because Mike wasnt, he was from Hong Kong and the people from there are British or Chinese unless theyre another nationality. But they werent usually Japanese for some reason. Miranda had researched the whole thing thoroughly with an encyclopaedia and had even asked Mike Yu about it, even though that had been awkward and intrusive.

Miranda had recently had a bad dream in which her mother made a voodoo doll of Mike and stuck a pin in it. While poor Mike writhed in agony (in the dream) Miranda had shouted at her mother, Stop doing voodoo on Mike, I love him. And it was via the dream that Miranda was first aware that shed actually fallen in love with Mike.

Since then, Mirandas relationship with Mike Yu had become so serious shed been to dinner twice with the whole Yu family (Mike, his parents and an old granddad). On the first occasion theyd had food sent up to their flat from the Good Luck House takeaway, which they owned and was downstairs and it had been very nice.

The second time, though, it was disgusting. Mike Yus mother had attempted to cook in the English style, in her honour, and though it was a kind gesture Miranda had very nearly been sick at the table. Mike Yus mother had served great big onions as if they were a vegetable, just cooked whole and plonked at the side of the plate next to a slab of pork. Miranda had struggled with the pork (chewy/salty) and the onion (slimy/sweet) and had literally gagged and only just managed to cover it up with a pretend coughing fit. Plus it hadnt helped that Mike Yus old granddad had sat there with his plastic face and glued-up eyes, eating hard-boiled eggs with his fingers.

In spite of all this horror, Miranda was so keen on Mike shed tried to learn Chinese so they could chat in his language. It had come to nothing, though. Just learning Tuesday (tinsywaah) had taken her a week and then no sooner had she learned Wednesday (tinseeteer) than she forgot Tuesday. Miranda had expected it to be a doddle, her mother having become semi-bilingual (English/Spanish) within a matter of weeks when attending a night class.

Miranda had thrown in the towel and just spoken in English and signs. She did learn Mike Yus mothers name (Yu Anching), which meant Quiet, and his fathers (Yu Huiqing), which meant Good Luck, but hadnt bothered with the old granddad because she didnt want to have to look at him.